Daughter and her Relationships

scubaangel

Im not sure I've ever 'dated' perse, all my boyfriends including my current petmale are people I've know either in person or through friends for a while (the current pet works with friends and we knew each other through a mutual interest forum) before doing the whole 'first date' thing.

Long distance relationships (as with this rep) work for some and dont for others depending on the people involved, in my case Ive had two which didnt and am now in another which so far is going great, whereas I find in a relationship with someone 'local' I feel stifled and crowded very quickly.

I'm not really sure what you actually have a problem with in terms of her not wanting to get in to a relationship until she knows the boy in question, I would have thought most parents would be happy that their daughter is mature enough not to just jump in to bed with the first boy to show an interest, being friends first I have found has made my previous relationships easier and am actually still good friends with all but one of my ex's (after the initial hurt of the break up having mutual friends seems to have almost brought us back to where we started from but without the what if thoughts).

As for the rep, she'll make her own mistakes, but if they're keeping in touch regularly dont be so down on him just yet, he may genuinely want to be with her when he gets back, reps for all their reputation are human too, and if he does live up to the reputation then she knows you're there to help her pick up the pieces when it does go bad.

Katgrit

beachbeth wrote: »

I do tend to just sit back and wait with the tissues most of the time. Its hard when you can see something is likely to happen and then it does and she is upset. You can't protect your children from life and they have to make their own mistakes but it is hard to watch sometimes.

So LET her make her own mistakes! She needs to see things herself. Its like running into a wall and hitting your head, feeling the pain and warning people. Your daughter wont understand to keep away until she's felt that pain herself.

As much as you'd love to stop her getting hurt you cant wrap her in cotton wool and stop influences of the outside world. Otherwise you'd stop all the good emotions too. Cant have one without the other and the good times outweigh the hurt in the end. If they didnt everyone would just not bother and live their lives living in broom cupboards. Trust me, because i was someone who listened to my parents too much, and was too sensible and never took ANY risks, shyed away from boyfriends and the like, and believe me, I've had one HELL of a boring life. The very few risks i did take were worth the upset and disappointment just for the experience of the ride. Its life, nasty stuff happens but good stuff happens too.

DKLS

pulliptears wrote: »

lol, knowing and believing are two different things though. Funny isn't it when you get older you realise your Mum was right, but at the time she was just saying these things because she didn't want you to be happy.....

My Mum thinks its funny now that my teenage nightmares are coming back to haunt me in the form of a short little blonde DD who really does know it all....;)

Very, very true, I remember the conversations that started:
"You think you know it all but no nothing", took a near vertical learning curve of life experiences to learn that she was right. there is no telling teenagers guess you just have to be there to help them when life does bite them on the bum.

Shame babies dont come with a user manual.

beachbeth

The main reason I try to steer her into a different direction re boys isn't because I want her to be like me and meet a man she is going to marry at 19. (I would like both my daughters to marry later than I did and to have good friends and careers first if possible.) The trouble is, the way she behaves at the moment is causing her to be upset most of the time. This is what is concerning me.

Its true that she seems to be going after unattainable people and isn't interested in boys that are interested in her (some of them have been nice lads and gorgeous too!). Its almost as though she is setting herself up for a fall all the time. This is why Im trying (in a gentle and not pushy) way to steer her towards friendships with boys. I do not want her to have a succession of boyfriends that she may end up in bed with - Im sorry if thats how I made it sound.

I know she needs to do these things in her own time but I just wish she would leave alone the type of boy who is just going to upset her.

never_enough

I know you're only trying to protect her, but we learn from our mistakes (well, most of us do! :rolleyes:). Things will either work out with that guy or not, but either way you just need to be there for her when she comes to you for support, guidance or tissues.

beachbeth

RadoJo wrote: »

but it doesn't mean she isn't happy with the way she does things, even if there is a little frog kissing while she waits for her prince.

This is part of the trouble - she isn't interested in looking at any of the frogs, let alone kiss any of them. How can she know there isn't a prince amongst them?

KatP wrote:

I think she sounds a little immature, a slow developer and she is having this sort of "relationship" to protect herself from something more serious. If she started giving these local boys a chance they might expect more from her than she really wants.

You need to lay off her and leave her to it, just be there, we can see that a rep is probably unsuitable just like a crush on a pop star is never going to come to anything but it is kind of an extension of the same thing.

You have hit the nail on the head here. I don't think she is ready for anything heavy and is testing the water with people she can't have. I just wish she wouldn't get quite so upset about it!:o

Katgrit

beachbeth wrote: »

Its true that she seems to be going after unattainable people and isn't interested in boys that are interested in her (some of them have been nice lads and gorgeous too!). Its almost as though she is setting herself up for a fall all the time.

I know she needs to do these things in her own time but I just wish she would leave alone the type of boy who is just going to upset her.

She isn't purposely seetling herself up for a fall. She's picking blokes she feels erm.. cant phrase this right...mentally safe with. Where its all nice and rose tinted specs holding hand while skipping through fields of daisies together. Like younger girls having crushed on unobtainable popstars (ie. Bros, Rick Astley or Jason Donovan in my era!) she's gone for the hunky rep on holiday where she had college, no household chores, where it was sunny and warm and she felt happy, safe and carefree. Its a bit different to seeing the fella round the corner who works long hours as as a mechanic and spends all weekend in the crumbling boozer with his mates or eating pies at the football or babysitting his baby brother. She's just going for a safe option probably because subconsciously shes isnt ready for anything more than that.

Katie-Kat-Kins

beachbeth wrote: »

This is part of the trouble - she isn't interested in looking at any of the frogs, let alone kiss any of them. How can she know there isn't a prince amongst them?



You have hit the nail on the head here. I don't think she is ready for anything heavy and is testing the water with people she can't have. I just wish she wouldn't get quite so upset about it!:o

That's the point though isn't it, getting upset is a part of the experiment, I can still remember my friends crying over popstars, don't you remember them having to set up a free phone counselling service when take that split up??? She's just one step on from that, she's got a real person but one who is that bit further removed so less likely to take her beyond her comfort zone.

There may well be a prince among these local boys but if she isn't ready to find him yet there is no point. By all means comfort her, and by all means warn her if the risks of long distance romances and holiday romances but don't push her into an alternative she isn't ready for.

You really should be pleased that she tries to build a friendship first, this is much more likely to result in a successful relationship when she is ready.

thisuseridistakenagain

she seems like an itelligent girl to me, nothing to worry about.
Being hurt by a boy you like is part of growing up, waiting for him to call, getting excited, let down etc.

If you don't learn that early you will be obsesing by the phone forever!!

It seems harmless to me, she doesnt need a boyfriend at all, so just let her go about her social life in her own way.

pulliptears

DKLS wrote: »

Shame babies dont come with a user manual.

or a pause button