FUTURE PLANNING - ie FUNERALS

ceridwen

Steve_xx wrote: »

I find the whole funeral scenario far too upsetting. Particularly upsetting for me is the fact that the deceased is being carted around in a coffin, often many days after they have died. Those religions that specify a person has to be buried between sunsets is by far the best idea.

When I die I want my body to be taken immediately, without box if possible, and cremated. The remains to be handed back to my family who can carry them in the casket provided, to the church for a simple service.

This will dispense with an expensive coffin and the use of funeral directors hearse and other cars and much of their time and thus expense.

I feel it will save those left behind from the stress and distress of organising a full blown conventional funeral. I know my preference is unconventional, but I don't want a lot of fuss and ceremony and I think this would possible to do. In fact it could almost become a trend, much like cremations have done over the last couple of generations.

That makes two of us - I certainly dont want all the "malarkey" for myself personally. Quick/simple/cheap - and everyone down a decent pub afterwards for a drink would do for me personally - but thats us...not our parents' generation unfortunately.

margaretclare

I find the whole funeral scenario far too upsetting. Particularly upsetting for me is the fact that the deceased is being carted around in a coffin, often many days after they have died. Those religions that specify a person has to be buried between sunsets is by far the best idea.

I completely agree with you on this one. We went to a funeral last spring and it was THREE WEEKS after the poor man had died - backlog at the crematorium or some such. It freaked me out. I thought it was so disrespectful to keep him in cold storage for so long. No one else appeared to think it at all odd - they were more concerned about who had sent/brought wreaths and why hadn't we brought one with us. And the 'social chatting' outside the crematorium, as Ceridwen describes. I did my best to distance myself from all of that.

One of the things which commends itself to me about 'green burials' is that they tend to happen more quickly, because embalming fluids and the like are not allowed.

If you do family history you'll see that in bygone days usually the funeral happened a couple of days or so after the death. People were more attuned to the idea of death happening, death was a normal part of life, black clothes weren't a fashion statement but were part of everyone's 'Sunday best'.

margaretclare

ceridwen wrote: »

No - I guess you dont.

Black will be necessary. Hats/gloves/veils wont be. You are correct about the style of wreaths - "Mum" or "Dad" wouldnt be the style chosen - just simple/tasteful/classic.

THEIR expectations being offloaded onto me isnt how I see it. I see it as "their occasion - their choice as to how it is".

Whose occasion? Your parents', or your surviving relatives?

I would prefer to only receive factual/helpful comments on this thread - not personal opinions. I guess that isnt how you mean them - but some of your comments are coming over as hurtful rather than helpful. It is not appropriate to judge other peoples lifestyles for being different to one's own.

You are going to get personal opinions because that is the only way most of us can suggest any help. We can only help within the limits of our own experience.

What you have written most recently makes it much clearer the thinking behind this questioning. I was quite mystified by your earlier posts. I struggled to understand why you were going into this much detail about deaths that have yet to happen. Hurtful? I would be VERY hurt if I was one of your parents: 'I'm still alive, not dead yet!'

EdInvestor

ceridwen wrote: »

Basically then the position seems to be that:
1. One asks the bank (or presumably building society if applicable) to release enough money from the savings (ahead of probate being granted) to cover all the costs. They will provide enough for the basics only (ie not including the wake).

They will release the money to cover the FD's bill when the bill is presented to them.

2. One then goes to a F.D. of the type that is prepared to wait for payment and arranges absolutely everything with them (including catering - rather than doing it oneself and have to accept that caterers will do it more expensively than you would yourself - but at least tell yourself that you dont have to arrange that, so thats one less thing for you to do).

There is usually no need for the FD to wait as once you get his invoice, the bank will release the funds.

3. One pays the F.D. a deposit

Not usually necessary AFAIK.

.... from that money the bank has released to cover all the "basic costs only". But you dont tell the bank that only the deposit has been paid with the money - so they dont start complaining that it wasnt meant to cover the wake as well.:cool: (Clearly banks dont live "in the real world"...)

The bank will not release money until you present the full bill which will be after the event has taken place.

4. The rest of the money comes from the balance of savings once probate has been granted. But one then has to live with "having kittens" about owing the poor F.D. "his" share of the bill he has presented until probate is granted and the rest of the savings are available to pay him the balance.

No.The whole of the cost of the funeral comes from the bank before probate.

5. One monitors closely the granting of probate - to make sure its granted quickly (ie presumably I'll be on first name terms with some hapless solicitors secretary at that point,).

It sounds like you'd better do it yourself, much cheaper as well but it's irrelevant to paying for the funeral..


I suggest you have a word with a funeral director about the vexed question of the cost of the wake to see if they will include it on the bill, which should then mean the bank will release the funds without problems on presentation of the invoice.

The cost of the wake as described is going to be miniscule by comparison with the cost of the funeral itself (unless of course there are so many invitees that you have to hire the Albert Hall). We are probably talking a couple of hundred quid where the funeral costs will be in the £2500-£3500 range.

So I suspect you are worrying unnecessarily.

ceridwen

margaretclare wrote: »

Whose occasion? Your parents', or your surviving relatives?



You are going to get personal opinions because that is the only way most of us can suggest any help. We can only help within the limits of our own experience.

What you have written most recently makes it much clearer the thinking behind this questioning. I was quite mystified by your earlier posts. I struggled to understand why you were going into this much detail about deaths that have yet to happen. Hurtful? I would be VERY hurt if I was one of your parents: 'I'm still alive, not dead yet!'

Now I know where the phrase "when you are in a hole - stop digging" comes from. I have asked not to be on the receiving end of any more hurtful "personal opinions" - and you give another one.

I have put my request politely - again.

Savvy_Sue

Unless your parents have named a solicitor as executor in the will, you don't have to use one at all, as Errata says.

If they have named a solicitor as executor you can try to get them to agree to leave it all to you.

If they haven't named a solicitor you can use your own, if you feel it's necessary. But if it's a simple estate then it's often quicker, cheaper and easier to diy.

EdInvestor

Some useful Govt info on arranging and paying for funerals, including getting a loan if on benefits.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Death/WhatToDoAfterADeath/DG_10029667

ceridwen

POSTSCRIPT:

I have had a discussion with my parents - turns out there doesnt appear to be any plans on how this all gets dealt with....as I thought. Just a general assurance "Dont you worry about that - there'll be enough to cover it." Now puzzled as to where I got my efficiency/practicality from - oh well....

Well - I've told them how upset I am that I wont know what to do or how its to be paid for and said that I dont need to know the details now - but I just need them to have worked out as to exactly what will happen and how it will be paid for and write it all down. Then to tell me where they have put these instructions - so I can find them come the time.

They have agreed to this - so, as long as they do this "in time" (whenever that may be) - then I will know exactly where to look for those instructions and can just follow them. Hopefully they will be as detailed as mine would be in the circumstances - in which case there wont be a problem (having been told by a legal advisor today that probate can take 6-8 weeks but some banks dont wait for that to pay out everything needed to cover all the expenses, others do - so am hoping that my parents have picked an efficient bank/building society/whatever they have used). The legal advisor said the bank will cover ALL the expenses involved including refreshments. (Though I do wonder what the term "legal advisor" means - I asked her "are you a solicitor or legal executive?" and got the response that she has the same qualifications as a legal executive. Hope that means she really IS a legal person and not just some office worker at the end of a phone...). One does wonder about these "legal advisors" when you are the one using "legal language" and they are the one using very imprecise language....

So - thanks for all helpful comments - and hopefully thats that dealt with okay.

mary-op

ceridwen - I'm pleased you've managed to talk to your parents about this and I'm sure they'll do what you say regards instructions etc.
Before my mum made her new will after she went to the care home she just wrote down on two pieces of paper what she wanted and gave one to me and one to my brother prior to her taking out the funeral plan.

Maybe your parents will do similar and put it in black and white what their wishes are, then there can be no disagreements with anyone, i.e. your brother.