FUTURE PLANNING - ie FUNERALS

ceridwen

slopemaster wrote: »

Here in France, it seems to be common for people to buy their plot in the cemetery, and even put up the fancy marble tomb and headstone, whilst they are still alive. So you see them in the cemetery with the names on, but with the final date missing....
I find that a little odd, but that's just me.

Cor...I wouldnt...I'd find that a blessed relief personally...but each to their own...

ceridwen

the_rottweiler wrote: »

My mum is very secretive and a few years ago told me that she wanted me to go on one of her accounts, just in case she became infirm and couldnt pay bills.
The information she has given me has come out in throwaway comments over the past 5 years, she will make a comment then warn me not to tell my siblings,and refuse to discuss it further, but I know it has to be followed through
I dont think about this account or use it as she still is in roaring good health mentally and physically (still works 20 hours a week at 74 years old)
During a discussion with my sis recently it came out that she thought she would end up paying for mums funeral when the time comes, because I have no money or savings and though she is not rich, she would be able to get loan,
I then explained that the money in mums account was also to cover her funeral and wake and that she would not have to pay anything,
It so annoying that she wont talk to my siblings about it, cos I think there will be rows eventually as I am the only one who knows what she wants

I sympathise with that one. I dont know what they want...but I am the "practical one" in this family. I wish I could say "I THINK there will be rows" - I think make that a "racing certainty" in my family...ie with my brother. Thats part of what I'm scared of...I want everything laid down in black and white exactly what is required and how its to be paid for - as the last thing I want is decades worth of "stored up rows" with my brother at a time when I know very well I will be upset about losing my father. I may not/have often not agreed with my parents - but I am very well aware that my father has always done his best to be a good father to me and cared about me...the one man I could rely on to always "be on my side" even when he didnt agree with me.

mary-op

ceridwen - is it possible for you to sit down with your parents and tell them of your concerns ? That way at least you might discover whether they have made any arrangements that they haven't told you about (as parents can be prone to do).

Whatever you do, don't worry about it, least of all the 'wake'/ham tea part of it all. Honestly, after my Dad died Mum took off to the local supermarket and got a few 'own brand' items so it didnt cost a lot. She didn't buy any alcohol - my OH and sons went to the off license and got their own - anyone else had what was in the cupboard and as most had to drive home they were happy with a cup or tea or coffee.

Just to add: I've dug out the bill from mums funeral directors and although the funeral itself was covered by mums plan she took out there was still £264 to pay which will be settled when her estate is finally sorted out.
Press notices: £95
Flowers: £100 (caught me at a weak moment - if I'd realised I'd have sorted them out at the local florist)
Printing of Hymn sheets: £40 (another moment when I felt I'd like a particular verse mum liked to be read at the service and printed on the hymn sheet so people had a copy. As it turned out, it wasn't read out at the service and I ended up going round explaining why the poem was there)
VAT on top of all this brought the price up.

Savvy_Sue

mary-op wrote: »

Disbursement items restricted to crematory/cemetary fees, doctor and clergy fees.
Not too clear about what the disbursment part means.

Disbursements are the fees the FD pays for other people's services, rather than the things he's providing himself, I think.

So in the plan you are looking at, the 'official' fees are covered, but if you ask the FD to use a caterer or florist, that won't be covered by the plan, but it would be a disbursement.

Unless someone knows different ...

slopemaster wrote: »

Here in France, it seems to be common for people to buy their plot in the cemetery, and even put up the fancy marble tomb and headstone, whilst they are still alive. So you see them in the cemetery with the names on, but with the final date missing....
I find that a little odd, but that's just me.

Nope, that's not just you!

Well, perhaps not odd, but a little unnerving!

Although in the past it was perfectly normal to be measured up for your coffin years in advance, have it made and possibly store it at home. :eek:

Savvy_Sue

If the subject can't be raised directly, ceridwen, can you ask about other family funerals, favourite hymns etc?

mommame

My oh's mum lived in spain and passed away there,she was cremated and straight after the service we stood outside in the lobby composing ourselves,the curators of the crematorium were standing behind the reception type desk and started beckoning hubby to come and speak to them and he was handed a bill which had to be paid there and then!! needless to say we had to put it on hubby's credit card until we got home and had time to sort everything out.

ceridwen

So - thanks in particular to inkie for that very comprehensive reply.

Basically then the position seems to be that:
1. One asks the bank (or presumably building society if applicable) to release enough money from the savings (ahead of probate being granted) to cover all the costs. They will provide enough for the basics only (ie not including the wake).

2. One then goes to a F.D. of the type that is prepared to wait for payment and arranges absolutely everything with them (including catering - rather than doing it oneself and have to accept that caterers will do it more expensively than you would yourself - but at least tell yourself that you dont have to arrange that, so thats one less thing for you to do).

3. One pays the F.D. a deposit - which is sufficient to cover all the "extras" (including wake) from that money the bank has released to cover all the "basic costs only". But you dont tell the bank that only the deposit has been paid with the money - so they dont start complaining that it wasnt meant to cover the wake as well.:cool: (Clearly banks dont live "in the real world"...)

4. The rest of the money comes from the balance of savings once probate has been granted. But one then has to live with "having kittens" about owing the poor F.D. "his" share of the bill he has presented until probate is granted and the rest of the savings are available to pay him the balance.

5. One monitors closely the granting of probate - to make sure its granted quickly (ie presumably I'll be on first name terms with some hapless solicitors secretary at that point, as I'll have to ring so often to make it happen quickly I expect...oh dear!) - so that those savings are released promptly to cover the balance of that bill. Hopefully my parents have chosen a firm of solicitors as efficient as my own are......

Guess that covers everything I need to know then presumably..??

Thats presumably how the costs get covered then from A-Z - without involving my own lowly finances and/or any rows with my brother about "covering" any of the costs temporarily.

Now I just have to cross my fingers that my parents have enough in savings to cover all this - including, it would appear, the cost of a caterer as well...

margaretclare

ceridwen wrote: »

Thanks Margaret...


err....my family don't do "stoned out of their heads" - perish the thought...just a very genteel/civilised couple of glasses of sherry and/or wine....drunkards are NOT approved of in my family (says she - sipping a glass of wine whilst typing this....:o). Its just regarded as "the thing to do" to supply that couple of glasses of genteel alcohol with the sandwiches/etc...

Maybe "wake" isnt quite the word for what I'm describing - what will happen is everyone will stand around very quietly/very genteelly/very politely eating their buffet type food and sipping their one or two glasses of alcohol and making polite conversation....

Believe me - my family is seriously traditional/conventional/formal - they don't come much more so.....apart from that odd exception (ie me - who has long since learnt that the best way to keep the peace is to fit in precisely with what is required when I'm with the rest of my family......). I think the best way I can put this is "try thinking the Royal Family - but with a LOT LOT less money....THAT'S how traditional/one must do the "done thing" my family is....Its just a very "standard" average "family in the street" - but it IS very very conservative...

They sound a bit like that woman in 'Keeping Up Appearances'! Sorry to be rude about your family. I still don't understand why all THEIR expectations and requirements should be off-loaded on to YOU.

Well, you'd better make sure it's all black, including hats and gloves for the women. Do people still wear black veils??? And floral wreaths in the best possible taste - none of those 'Mum' or 'Dad' picked out in flowers, they're a bit chavvy don't you know.

As a person who has spent a lifetime blowing all the stereotypes to the four winds, I'm afraid I can't offer any constructive advice. I would want a church service because I'm a church attender, not because it is what's expected! I'm relieved that the mourners are not going to be leaving the worse for alcohol - picked up by the police down the road!! - but I still prefer a cup of tea or coffee. As I said, I've been to a lot of funerals over the years but have NO experience of the kind of function you describe.

Steve_xx

I find the whole funeral scenario far too upsetting. Particularly upsetting for me is the fact that the deceased is being carted around in a coffin, often many days after they have died. Those religions that specify a person has to be buried between sunsets is by far the best idea.

When I die I want my body to be taken immediately, without box if possible, and cremated. The remains to be handed back to my family who can carry them in the casket provided, to the church for a simple service.

This will dispense with an expensive coffin and the use of funeral directors hearse and other cars and much of their time and thus expense.

I feel it will save those left behind from the stress and distress of organising a full blown conventional funeral. I know my preference is unconventional, but I don't want a lot of fuss and ceremony and I think this would possible to do. In fact it could almost become a trend, much like cremations have done over the last couple of generations.

ceridwen

margaretclare wrote: »

They sound a bit like that woman in 'Keeping Up Appearances'! Sorry to be rude about your family. I still don't understand why all THEIR expectations and requirements should be off-loaded on to YOU.

Well, you'd better make sure it's all black, including hats and gloves for the women. Do people still wear black veils??? And floral wreaths in the best possible taste - none of those 'Mum' or 'Dad' picked out in flowers, they're a bit chavvy don't you know.

As a person who has spent a lifetime blowing all the stereotypes to the four winds, I'm afraid I can't offer any constructive advice. I would want a church service because I'm a church attender, not because it is what's expected! I'm relieved that the mourners are not going to be leaving the worse for alcohol - picked up by the police down the road!! - but I still prefer a cup of tea or coffee. As I said, I've been to a lot of funerals over the years but have NO experience of the kind of function you describe.

No - I guess you dont.

Black will be necessary. Hats/gloves/veils wont be. You are correct about the style of wreaths - "Mum" or "Dad" wouldnt be the style chosen - just simple/tasteful/classic.

THEIR expectations being offloaded onto me isnt how I see it. I see it as "their occasion - their choice as to how it is".

I would prefer to only receive factual/helpful comments on this thread - not personal opinions. I guess that isnt how you mean them - but some of your comments are coming over as hurtful rather than helpful. It is not appropriate to judge other peoples lifestyles for being different to one's own.