FUTURE PLANNING - ie FUNERALS

ceridwen

I've been told it might be a good idea to come and ask over here for advice about a little worry that has been/is niggling away at the back of my mind.

My parents are now ill and elderly - so one of these days (not forever in the future) it will fall to me to arrange the funeral/wake for them. I doubt I will have the help of the other one either - as they have said themselves words to the effect of they both expect to go at about the same time and I think that may well be what happens.

Its not the arranging so much thats concerning me - that should be pretty straightforward - but the paying for it all that is worrying me. I wouldnt be thinking in terms of "cheapskating" my way through either - I would expect to do things exactly the way I think they would want.

They own a house and have got a will made out - so the money will be there eventually to cover the costs. However - it could take months and months to sell the house.

How do things get paid for meanwhile? I've not been able to persuade them to take out one of those prepaid plans and I'd be willing to bet theres no life insurance cover or anything. They know that I'm on too low a salary and too insecure a job situation to be able to "lend out" any of my own money to cover this (quite apart from the row with my brother there would be - when I pointed out to him that he should "loan" half that money towards this..:eek:). So - the money HAS to come from my parents own money (ie the house). Without that - there will be nothing available to cover the funeral costs (I have been told by a couple of people that funeral directors wait to be paid their bills - but I cant see them doing that any longer in this day and age - and I would want to pay the bill promptly anyway). I do know the question wouldnt even arise of expecting Tesco/Sainsburys to wait for me to pay the cost of the food/drink for the "wake" till later - and, with my level of finances, even that would be a problem.

What will I actually do come the time to deal with these costs - bar finding an envelope full of fivers stashed at my parents place that I could use to pay for this (which I doubt...).

Would I actually have to tell the local hospital to keep the bodies in deepfreeze until the house eventually got sold and then I would reclaim them and have the funeral/wake .....or what? Obviously not an option I would want to even contemplate...I would think that was an awful thought and anyway want to be able to sit down 1 month to the day later and think "right - thats absolutely everything dealt with/paid for and I'm just waiting for the estate agents to finish selling the house to that couple who have agreed to buy it". I absolutely HATE HATE HATE hassle and money worries at the best of times - never mind at a time like that.

I'm not actually a "happy bunny" at the thought that my mother is just leaving me worrying about this and not knowing how to deal with this (though they know just how low my salary is - ie I'm only getting round about NMW level) - so I'd at least like to have my own "plan in mind" as to how to.....I dont want to have to deal with feeling angry with her at the same time as upset about losing my father...and knowing I've got things worked out in my own mind as best as possible for how this is to be financed will at least help. My father is clearly aware that my salary is appallingly low - he is as scathing about the level of it as I am - but my mother cant seem to see how bad it is (though she knows the amount) and seems to think that it is capable of covering a lot more than it actually could (hence my suspicions that she does expect me to do precisely that - ie "loan my own money" towards the costs). My father would understand that I couldnt do that - but he wont overrule my mothers handling of their finances - as its "easier" for him to let her decide exactly how those finances are handled.

I have had the suggestion from a virtual friend - as to how she put the wake on her credit card and paid that off when the house was sold - but going into debt (even if it wasnt mine IYSWIM) isnt an option either.

I guess the only plus point in this is that their house is big enough to hold the wake in and I would get enough time off work to be able to do the food preparation myself (rather than having to pay outside caterers).

eslick

my father died last year, similar only a little money, the funeral director was very good, they said they would wait. The costs come out of the estate so they are normally happy to. Only thing we needed to pay was the cremation costs and the costs of the person who did the service. If one of them goes first the other is also able to claim some costs from the state towards the funeral. My father did this when his wife died a few years before him and when we looked into it oddly if a widower or widow dies then the estate needs to pay all funeral costs.

I would say dont stress yourself about it, at the end of the day you may be responsible for arranging it but the costs will be borne from the estate.

ceridwen

Thanks for that.

The service is the other thought that has come to mind since - so I'm thinking theres 3 sets of costs presumably:

1. the funeral director (who may or may not be prepared to wait)

2. The wake (which would have to be paid for immediately - and mustnt forget it wouldnt be just food - there would also be the alcohol - sherry/wine/etc)

3. The service itself (bet that wouldnt wait either! - Anglican - so presumably: vicar/flowers/buttonholes for people/dont really know - as I'm not Anglican myself - so have very little idea whats expected - but my mother would expect all the "trimmings").

I couldnt even manage to cope with "loaning out" half the cost of even one of those bills - assuming my brother would "loan out" the other half (which I VERY much doubt).

Unless theres some automatic non-means tested State help for people - then I wouldnt expect any help to be due from the State in covering any of these costs. It would almost certainly all fall to the family to cover all the costs. Of course - if there is such automatic help then all to the good - but personally I would anticipate that any such help the State provides will be cut/abolished soon in the round of spending cuts we all know is bound to happen soon.

ceridwen

I guess I need to clarify here too - that some people would assume that others in the wider family would help out on the one hand (because they would in their family) or not expect much on the other hand.

Clarifying - in my family: we are amongst the "poor relations" - so it would be expected that things would be done "properly". But its not a close family - so help would neither be expected or asked for by me. I would expect to have to handle this totally on my own.

slopemaster

When my dad died, the funeral and (non-religious) service costs were covered from the estate, ie I didnt have to advance anything. But I did have to get the food and drink in.
Who are the executors; is it you or solicitors? As if they can see there will be money in the estate they may be willing to advance money for wake?

Otherwise, if this is worrying you I think you might have to try again to get them to take out a prepaid funeral plan with the Co-op or something. Put it, not that it saves you worry, but that it enables them to choose the send-off they would want. And try to make sure it covers a payment for the wake!

Hope you can get something sorted; it is a very stressful time without having to worry about money.

McKneff

Ceridwen, i understand your dilemma, but have you asked your parents outright if they have any insurance policies. I woul dbe very surprised if they said no.

Dont know how old they are but older generations in my experience were staunch believers in insurance for funerals and having a good 'send off'
Ask them outright and explain your worries. Your probably worrying for nothing.
Just a small point - you dont have button holes at funerals and a wake isnt compulsory. Even if you do have a wake, there really is no need to pay for peoples alcohol consumption, they really would expect to buy there own booze.

And I know this sounds mercenery but keep all receipts for any costs. If there is any sort of 'share out' from the estate the costs (even for food etc) should come out of it first.
Try not to worry too much.

scotsbob

The immediate costs would fall to the next of kin. When the first parent dies I would assume the surviving parent would be the next of kin and responsible for the funeral rather than you.

When the surviving parent dies are you the next of kin or your brother?

If it is you and you are on a low wage you should contact the DHSS as they can help with funeral costs. However this will only cover costs of the actual funeral, they are not going to cover the costs of a family party (wake as you call it)

Also every undertaker is required to offer a basic funeral, although many try to upsell you, stand your ground and insist that you want the basic.

McKneff

dss wont help if there are assets, house, jewellry, car etc. to sell etc.

margaretclare

Are you saying your parents have ONLY the house - no savings, nothing else? Are you sure?

I'm not sure what you mean by 'all the trimmings'. Flowers are not essential, nor buttonholes - I've never heard of buttonholes at any type of a funeral!

An Anglican service can be as simple as you like. Talk to a local vicar and have your mind set at rest.

'It would be expected that things would be done properly'....well, what's 'properly'? Black is not necessarily worn nowadays.

I just googled 'anglican funerals' and came up with this: http://www.cofe.anglican.org/lifeevents/funerals

ceridwen

slopemaster wrote: »

When my dad died, the funeral and (non-religious) service costs were covered from the estate, ie I didnt have to advance anything. But I did have to get the food and drink in.
Who are the executors; is it you or solicitors? As if they can see there will be money in the estate they may be willing to advance money for wake?

Otherwise, if this is worrying you I think you might have to try again to get them to take out a prepaid funeral plan with the Co-op or something. Put it, not that it saves you worry, but that it enables them to choose the send-off they would want. And try to make sure it covers a payment for the wake!

Hope you can get something sorted; it is a very stressful time without having to worry about money.

I have been named as the executor - I wasnt asked whether I would or no - just told I am.

ceridwen

McKneff wrote: »

Ceridwen, i understand your dilemma, but have you asked your parents outright if they have any insurance policies. I woul dbe very surprised if they said no.

Dont know how old they are but older generations in my experience were staunch believers in insurance for funerals and having a good 'send off'
Ask them outright and explain your worries. Your probably worrying for nothing.
Just a small point - you dont have button holes at funerals and a wake isnt compulsory. Even if you do have a wake, there really is no need to pay for peoples alcohol consumption, they really would expect to buy there own booze.

And I know this sounds mercenery but keep all receipts for any costs. If there is any sort of 'share out' from the estate the costs (even for food etc) should come out of it first.
Try not to worry too much.

Thanks for that thought re the receipts.

A wake would be compulsory I'm afraid - in my family thats what happens. Whatever is "the done thing" - thats the way things are...and that would include me providing bottles of alcohol. It wouldnt be expected that it would be in a pub - so no chance of anyone paying for their own drinks..