MSE Parents Club Part 4

ManOnTheMoon

My_Fathers_Daughter wrote: »

Hi MOTM - can I second everything everyone else has said believe me it will be the only time that I don't have a lot to say for myself

I look forward to when you have more to say then I hope....depends....:rotfl:

elle_gee

It's roasting in my house.. hurrah, I think, for all the new double glazing but it means no through draughts anymore! :rolleyes:

ManOnTheMoon

SusanC wrote: »

Wow - I think it is pretty impressive for anyone to manage seven kids as a couple never mind on their own. It's so easy to stereotype and judge single parents but your situation just illustrates how wrong it is to do so. There is nothing wrong with needing/accepting help - you are picking up the responsibility of your daughters' mothers in addition to your own so effectively trying to do the work of two people. You certainly have nothing to feel ashamed of in accepting help and indeed since you have daughters it is good for them to have positive female role models in their life.


If you have a financial defecit which is filled by the state it is only because the girls' mothers have left so the defecit being filled is created by them and not by you. I find it impressive that you manage to find time to do even a part time job with so many children on your own and it is better for them to have you there for them than out all the time at work especially given the way in which you have ended up in this situation. You are not in this situation by choice and as far as I can tell are doing the best that you can under the circumstances.


How about getting her to take something like a night class and/or do something voluntary (e.g. volunteering in a charity shop) as a gap year so that you both have time to think about things rather than trying to quickly persuade her into a course this year? It would give both you and her time to think about her future and what she wants to do in the long run. Other than thinking about potential courses, she could think about whether she has any ideas for say setting up her own business. Allowing her that breathing space of a year might give her space so that she feels less pressured about college and therefore less resistant to the idea?

I'm not saying it's easy, but i've seen parents with 1 disruptive child have more problems than me. My hard work is different, i'm on call to 7 24/7, usually small things, but it's about finding my own time. I'm not complaining. I love sitting at home in the evenings in front of the TV with them all, hearing about school and friends and anything they do. I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes i'd like an adult to talk too about random nonsense That said, the whole time i'd be worrying about the girls!!!

My female friends are a positive influence for them. They like them and they are good role models. They have families of their own so can't be too prominent.

I appreicate I do all I can and that the mothers have let them down. I'm trying to be dad, mum, friend and everything else all in one.

The reason I work from home is because I don't feel right outside the home and also, being here means I am here for them. Even when they are at school, I feel just incase they come home....

As previously posted, she's considering going to college 2 nights a week (6 hours) and the possibility of some voluntary work, if she is old enough. We did some maths - school hours - college/voluntary = still more time at home than the last few years. College is 10 minutes away, so she can walk and she can help me when she's here sometimes. Told her I wanted her to go out withn her friends to cinema and bowling etc more, to which the reply was 'maybe' She has some good friends from when she was in primary school and they know both mothers leaving her has damaged her. I suggested her friends come around here more and she got excited. It's not like I haven't suggested it before :rolleyes:

ManOnTheMoon

Sami_Bee wrote: »

if you can convince her to do a-levels and she's bright enough, call the local colleges as often lots drop out in the first few weeks
My friend didn't get good enough grades to automatically get in but called the college twice a week once the term had started and got in

I don't think i'll convince her to do full time courses. I've made a small breakthrough tonight and don't want to push her. She's suffered over the last few years and i'm delighted she is doing as well as she is. Her GCSE results are due soon and she's confident she has done really well and her teachers were confident she's going to get amazing results. Not just top marks, but top marks with her disrupted teenagehood. I know when I was her age and my Mother died, I failed miserably, so she's done incredibly well no matter what the results.

ManOnTheMoon

iQueen wrote: »

Hi MOTM :wave:

I understand exactly what you mean. I raised 5 children alone.

In answer to your situation, I would agree, there is a very real danger in not going out - we lose our social skills, we lose our confidence and our self esteem is diminished. This means that when all the children have flown the nest, we are completely bereft and can be in real danger of becoming reclusive.

It is important for you to maintain or develop some personal social activities, among your own peer group, just as it is important for your girls to do the same in their peer groups. Failure to do this makes us social cripples, leading to loneliness and depression.

My children were also protective towards me, for similar motives. Children can be very protective of the status quo, and they do not see that they are actually placing you under a moral obligation. They are young animals, biologically programmed to protect themselves. However, this will not last forever. My children became particularly protective around the age of 16. I think it is a natural reaction to their own growing up - the scary unknown future and the wish to be accepted as adult (before they are ready!) As they become more independent and preoccupied with their own lives, they become more self absorbed, and loosen their grip on you! (Mind you, by the time you've been through this phase with most of your 7, it will have seemed endless!)

I believe that a good basic education is the next most important provision for a child's welfare after a secure loving relationship and basic shelter, food and clothing. This provides our children with the opportunities that we are unable to ensure them after childhood. It was understood from the earliest age that my children would be at school until they were 18 and had A Levels - this was not fixed in stone, privately, I would have read the situation of each individual child at the time, but they grew up with that expectation. My argument was that with A Levels, they could go round the world, become lavatory attendants, whatever... with my blessing, because they would have the basic qualifications to go back into education or train for a successful career later on, if they chose to. No doors would have been closed.

I was very keen on my girls acquiring the keys to a good career - I did not want them raising their own children in poverty, if they were unlucky in their relationships.

All five of my children are now highly successful professionals, happy and settled.

It is important that you persuade your 16 year-old daughter to go to college... full-time! This is what 16 year-olds should be doing, for their education and/or vocational skills, for the development of their adult social and interpersonal skills, and as a stepping-stone into the adult world. The days of daughters staying at home to help with the housework or to look after siblings are long gone, and I'm sure you do not wish to burden your child with your responsibilities.

I advised my own children, and the young adults I have recently been teaching, to keep an open mind career-wise, stay in education, studying whatever they enjoy most, until they recognise the work they want to do for life. None of my children discovered their vocation until their early twenties, but they had great experiences on the way.

I hope this will be of some help - lone-parenthood is the loneliest job. You are welcome to pm me if you fancy a less public chat about the situation.

iQueen

:wave:

I've a few years until they all leave, but I understand what you say and over the next few years, I have to rebuild myself. It will be at a pace to suit us all though.

I think the overprotection is because of what has happened. I mean, i've never really showed negative emotion over their mothers leaving, in front of them, but they know I was unhappy and I wasn't as much fun for a while. I'm back to being fun now, but I do wonder whether I could have been more fun for their sake. I did have fun, but not every few minutes like these days.

I'm not going to force her or any of them into anything. I'll let them make the decisions. I won't let them do nothing though, not for long. Their mothers were lazy good for nothing leeches and they won't want to be like them. They are all clever and all going to have good futures. I think with the eldest, it will be tougher. She sees herself as having the role that her mothers should have given and now feels responsible to look after us all. She knows she can rely on me and i'll never let her down if I can help it, but she appreciates she needs to make herslef a life and build for a future where she can have a family. It just scares her, she doesn't like the thought of us not being all together. She is damaged more than the others, seemingly, and I don't want to push her and damage her more.

I shall indeed PM if I need some advice i'm too ashamed of asking here. I feel ashamed for needing advice full stop. I am usually more 'fun'.....honest

ManOnTheMoon

MrsTine wrote: »

Man in the moon - my appologies - slowly been working my way backwards! Welcome to the gang! I'm sure you'll love it here amongst the ladies and Bruno of course I'm sure he'd love someone else to help keep up the mens side on here
7 kids... WOW - you have my admiration and respect! I struggle with 1!!!

Thanks

As before, use 'man' loosely. I look like a masculine man, but I do have a sensitive side. How can I not with the amout of female influence I have :rotfl:

ManOnTheMoon

Sami_Bee wrote: »

anyone else imagining a sort of Mrs doubtfire character? :rotfl:
I'm so glad my best mummy friends have girls so I can still mix with girlies, having 2 boys I worry it'll all be sweaty grubby games and sport :eek::p
I'm more a shopping and glitter gal

:rotfl: Not quite :eek:

I'd have liked a boy or two, but it wasn't meant to be and i'm happy with what I have.

My girls watch the football with me and I watch Camp Rock with them. Or at least i'm in the room looking at the screen wondering what on earth i'm watching when it's on

ManOnTheMoon

I think i've replied to all again If I have missed anyone, i'm genuinely sorry, it's not personal

I'll try and be more sociable as opposed to talking 'issues', but I lack social skills to be honest and i'm always worrying about the girls 24/7, so that will come out alot!

It's late again :eek: Another 10am lay in as it's Sunday, so I must go to bed before the girls wake me up in the morning. I'm not usually a 2am father, so don't think i'm a bad dad!

Hope to chat to you all soon

Sami_Bee

ManOnTheMoon wrote: »

I think i've replied to all again If I have missed anyone, i'm genuinely sorry, it's not personal

I'll try and be more sociable as opposed to talking 'issues', but I lack social skills to be honest and i'm always worrying about the girls 24/7, so that will come out alot!

It's late again :eek: Another 10am lay in as it's Sunday, so I must go to bed before the girls wake me up in the morning. I'm not usually a 2am father, so don't think i'm a bad dad!

Hope to chat to you all soon

Hopefully some of us more relaxed one will rub off on you, I'm one of the non-worriers (with the odd blip) I just let my boys get on with it in most things (they don't do that much being only teeny)

MadDogWoman_2

Welcome MotM - I think you are doing an amazing job.

You're all going to think I'm very odd - not only am I bf a 28 month old she's sleeps in her cotbed in our room too!

Had a lovely day, chilled out with her this morning. Then this afternoon, a quick trip to the pet shop for a new bed for the dog for the kennel next week (1/2 price sale!), we then took her to the park, she loves the slide.

Only downside is that she fell asleep in the car on the way home so slept between 5.30 and 6.15 so wasn't tired until nearly 11pm :eek: Only went then as DH was going as he's up at 4 for work.

MDW