The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

tea_lover

Ooh can I play please

TTC#1 since 2009. Me - 34, endo, pcos. OH - 41, v poor SA results (count, motility, morphology). Clomid - didn't do much. Once ICSI cycle - BFP then early m/c. Next steps: sperm DNA fragmentation test 1st August, next steps depend on results of this.

I am such a bad mood already today . CD22 but haven't been tracking anything this cycle so no idea where I am. I do usually ov. somewhere in the 20s so guess that could explain the foul mood and bubbling rage. It will be a miracle if I make it through a whole day at work without telling someone to f off.... 30 mins down, only 7.5 hrs to go.

time2deal

tea_lover wrote: »

Ooh can I play please

TTC#1 since 2009. Me - 34, endo, pcos. OH - 41, v poor SA results (count, motility, morphology). Clomid - didn't do much. Once ICSI cycle - BFP then early m/c. Next steps: sperm DNA fragmentation test 1st August, next steps depend on results of this.

I am such a bad mood already today . CD22 but haven't been tracking anything this cycle so no idea where I am. I do usually ov. somewhere in the 20s so guess that could explain the foul mood and bubbling rage. It will be a miracle if I make it through a whole day at work without telling someone to f off.... 30 mins down, only 7.5 hrs to go.

Done.

That sounds a lot like ov to me. I get very angry and irritable around ov - which is great for BD as you can imagine!

Try to remain calm, and say to yourself you will address things on Friday, and hopefully if the problem is 'real' it will still be annoying you then. Otherwise... tis the hormones talking m'dear.

tea_lover

I've always thought it one of the stupider quirks of hormones that ov. makes me want to kill OH, not anything more amorous

One of my mates from the part of the business I used to work in has just invited me out for lunch so that's cheered me up. They all got moved to another site and I've hardly seen him since, although we still speak most days. Just a shame I didn't know earlier, I'd have put proper make up on lol.

cwtw

Hi all, can I join please? Thanks so much time2deal for offering to do this.
Ttc #1 since Jan 12, me 31 OH 32. Me: PCO normal weight and symptomless except bleeding too often; some anovulatory cycles. OH normal everything. On inositol, first fs appt Sept 13 eek.

littleme82

Hi Pinkpot and Mrs Davo

I am really surprised too that I have just got to take 50mg of Clomid for 3 cycles and "see" if it works. From what I have read most ladies on here have scans and bloodtests etc. From what I can see it may be that these 3 attempts are futile and I have therefore wasted half of the 6 recommended cycles of Clomid.

I am going to phone my doctor and asked if I can take 100mg for my 3rd cycle but not sure what she will say when they do not even know if I am ov or not.

I've not had any real symptoms from taking it so DP is pretty lucky I guess.

I do not (well I havent been told) have PCOS. My cycles are pretty much 28 days.

Saying that, the first cycle of clomid last month I had the darkest OPK I have ever seen. AF arrived 2 weeks later.

This month I have been doing OPK since CD9 (now CD17) and still no + OPK. I did have lots of ewcm last week which I never usually have but the second line on the test just was either not there or light so a negative.

So I dont know if I have ov or not. It all seems to have gone creamy now.... sorry if TMI.

So for the first month I would say that clomid did not affect my cycle length. Will know more about this cycle in a couple of weeks I guess.

Pickle - hope your other half is tolerant! and you get your sticky this month.

Good luck this month ladies x

tea_lover

We have to DTD tonight to leave 2-3 days abstinence before the DNA test thing on Thursday morning. How bad is it that I'm seeing this as one more chore to get done this evening?? There is not a scrap of romance left after this long TTC.

In better news, had a lovely lunch :beer:... and I didn't have to pay. Plus I got the best judgemental face I've seen in a long time from the receptionist :rotfl:. Was saying bye to my mate and we hugged - from the look on her face you'd have thought we had a quickie on her desk. It's still making me laugh now!

pinkteapot

tea_lover wrote: »

We have to DTD tonight to leave 2-3 days abstinence before the DNA test thing on Thursday morning. How bad is it that I'm seeing this as one more chore to get done this evening?? There is not a scrap of romance left after this long TTC.

Oh tealover - I know how you feel! It's really hard to keep it romantic. As I said earlier, this cycle I'm being scanned constantly (nothing like a visit from dildocam every other day!!) and then being told to get on it by the hospital. Totally doesn't put me in the mood!!

tea_lover

I'm very tempted to tell him to manage without me... will be good practice for thursday lol. But I also know that the minute I'm not allowed to DTD for 2 days, I'll be gagging for it .

tea_lover

Got home to a letter from the hospital... so the bad mood looks to be here to stay for the evening.

It's a copy of a letter sent to my GP, outlining what was discussed in our last appt. So there's nothing in there that we haven't already heard, but it just seems worse now I've seen it written down. It really hammers home just how bad the SA results have been, eg "on the day of egg collection there were no normal looking sperms", etc.

It also says that our 2 blasts (which were transferred) were of suboptimum quality. Now obviously I already knew this but for some reason that part has really floored me. However early it ended I was pg, and they felt like my children, and to see things like that written down is just weird.

We've got the DNA fragmentation test on Thursday and I'm now thinking it's a terrible idea. The results will be awful - all of the SA results are awful, if anything they're getting worse. Why are we paying £450 to have yet more bad news thrown at us?

It just doesn't seem like there's much point trying another ICSI cycle. But that's our last option, so then what? Just accept it's never going to happen?

I know this is a horrible, horrible thing to even think, I know it's not rational and I know it's terribly unfair but part of me is starting to be really angry at OH about this. Which clearly means I'm just an utter cowbag. He's done some sh*tty things in his time but he's clearly not b*ggered up his sperm on purpose just to annoy me.

I also know that we won't be able to have a sensible conversation about this as he'll just go in a strop and sulk about it. He'll say it's clealy all his fault, that there's no point trying anything else and refuse to have a grown-up, calm conversation about our options.

Hence the enormous rambling post.... sorry, don't even know what I'm trying to achieve. I just feel so rubbish about it all, and have a horrible sense of panic that this really is the end of the road.

MrsDavo

Hi Tealover

I am so sorry that the letter has made you feel that way. But I do understand the need to rant it out on here.

Seeing it all in black and white it just a sharp reminder of all the things that are negative about this and doesn't always mention any positive does it. The words run over and over in our heads.

I think it is okay to be angry at the situation you find yourself in, it is extremely unfair. Everything you wrote there I have felt, when I was told OH's results weren't good and I also have PCOS - it did make me think what next? Where do we go from here? I still think it sometimes. It's scary isn't it?

My OH said something to me the other day which has played on my mind - he told me that he felt that we couldn't move our relationship to the next level, that we were being denied the next step. It's true we are - we are getting married but what comes after that? Of course we will carry on and love each other, but there will always be something missing. Our child/children.

So how do we deal with that? I really don't know. I wish I did.

Sending you a big hug tonight. xxx