The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

tea_lover

I honestly don't think he's grieving in the slightest, he's really just not bothered. This sounds horrible I know but I'm starting to think (or realise, maybe) that he's not a very nice person.

He's now having a massive sulk about a misunderstanding yesterday. I was going round my parents in the afternoon (just round the corner) and asked if he wanted to come and say hello as he hasn't seen them for a while. He said he was too ill (he has a bit of a cold that he's been whinging about all week). So I went on my own - not a problem. I ended up eating there as a) they offered and b) I didn't really want to go home (which says a lot). Got a text from him about 7pm asking what was for dinner. I replied that I'd eaten and he went off on one.

Seems that he's happy to go round if there's something in it for him but not just to be polite or sociable. My dad's taking us to the airport (if we go) at 4am - I told OH it might have been nice for him to come round and say thanks to him for that. His answer "he hasn't done anything yet so why would I want to say thank you". What can you reply to that??

He refused to speak to me when I got home at 8.30, slept in the spare room and went to work without a word to me this morning.

He's so lazy in the house that it's driving me mad now. I literally cannot remember the last time he cooked anything, it must have been months ago. We both work fullt-time but he doesn't think he should do anything at home because he doesn't want to! It's not even like he's grateful for the fact that I do everything, he just sits there with a face like a slapped a.rse the whole time.

Phew.... once you get started it all comes out! I'm just so fed up with it. He's an ungrateful, selfish b.astard and tbh I think I just want him to leave.

fluffnutter

Let it all out. Has he always been like this? Has he got worse lately? Do you think you're less inclined to make allowances because you're feeling pretty down about stuff at the moment?

One thing I try to think about whenever I feel shitty about my life - never make a decision when you're angry, or sad, or depressed. You just can't think clearly nor see things for how they really are. Perhaps you do need to leave. But make that decision when you're feeling strong and well. I think it's too soon after your miscarriage to contemplate changing anything.

Just my opinion though - as always we're here to just listen.

Nicki

They say not to make any life changing decisions within 12 months of a bereavement and IMO a miscarriage IS a bereavement. Added to which IVF is incredibly stressful and many many couples find that it takes a toll on their relationship for a while.

Maybe some general relationship counselling would help even if you still feel that specific miscarriage counselling isn't for you?

tea_lover

RANT ALERT - I don't expect anyone to read this, and I apologise for how off topic it is. I just need to vent or I will explode! Please forigve my self-indulgent post.....

If I'm honest with myself, which I don't think I have been for years, the whole relationship is a sham.

For the first 8 months it (and he) was amazing. He made me feel incredibly special and loved. Was always telling me how much he loved me, wanted to spend loads of time together, talked about getting married etc. I've honestly never been happier.

8 months in I found out he was still seeing the person I'd been told was his ex. It was a total shock to me, I had no idea at all. There followed over 2 years of him p.issing both of us around. Constant promises not to see her again, constant lies. His ex (or gf, or whatever she was) started harassing me (including putting my windscreen through, etc), I was getting abuse from his mum, and still he kept flitting between us and generally making my life a misery.

I have literally no idea how many times I thought it was all over with her and then found out it wasn't. It's all a bit of a blur.

Mad as it sounds I've never really thought about any of this properly. I couldn't get my head around the difference between who he seemed when we first met, and who he really is. I think I've spent the past 7 years hoping that the person I first met and fell in love with would someday reappear. I've never wanted to admit that the sh.itty person I'm actually left with is the real him.

He's incredibly selfish, and finds it genuinely difficult (if not impossible) to see things from other another person's point of view. On some level he obviously knows that how he behaved was awful, but he can't get his head round the actual emotional and mental impact that had on me. It's always the same - when we were going through IVF he never asked how I was, never offered to attend scan appts etc. On the day I had the miscarriage he went to scotland for 4 days of mountain biking and didn't call me once the whole time he was away.

If I try to speak to him about any of this he gets in a massive sulk and refuses. Nothing is ever his fault.

Why on earth am I still with him? Why did we buy a house together?

fluffnutter

Ouch. None of that's good, tea lover. Take a screen shot of your last post, put it somewhere safe and come back to it in six months. If you still see things the same way, time to leave.

time2deal

Tea - I don't think anyone here can really advise you on this, it's your call. But I think fluffnutter is right, remember this and see if you feel the same in 6 months. I often get super annoyed with DH, and have a melt down, and then afterwards I can't really remember why I was so annoyed.

But, if the problems are real, then it's different.

From looking at this site for a while there are lots of people who just straight on the 'dump him' bandwagon, but we all know life is harder than that.

Although, if it isn't the right thing for you, don't feel trapped by a house. Houses can be sold. It'll cost you money, but I wouldn't let yourself be guided solely by that. We all survived as single, non-homeowners before. Money comes and goes, you only get one life to lead.

becca0417

Tea I can't give you any more advice than the excellent advice you have already been given but I just wanted to send huge hugs. Things must be really difficult for you right now xxx

Part_Mouse

Tea I'm so sorry to read how your feeling, not great words of advise I'm afraid but I do agree with taking a print out of how your feeling right now and if things don't get better then you MUST do what is right for you.

xx

claire16c

I concur. You've posted a lot of things recently about him tea and he certainly doesn't come up smelling of roses. To be frank he sounds like an a;£e.

I agree about waiting for a while but at the same time don't let the miscarriage excuse him for generally being an idiot. If you don't mind me asking - you say you talked about getting married but is there a reason why you never have?

Ttc wise If you want a baby you could always use a donor.

jujugaboo

TL - if its not working don't waste time and your life with him and certainly don't even try and have a baby together. I would either try couples councelling if you want to make it work but take 6 months off TTC and see if there is a future. Good luck.