Advice re OH and house buying

Dinah93

mrsbeaton wrote: »

yes I have told his dad, but he just says ' what can i do, I wont see him on the streets'

I do get on well with his dad, and talk to him quite a lot, but it makes me mad that he wont make him stand on his own two feet :mad:

Sorry to be harsh, but you are almost as much of an enabler as his dad is. You say he doesn't pay a fair share but he refuses to pay more as he could move into a flat (my arguement here would be but I'm not living in the flat, I live here, so which is more important to you) for less. Well thats a really childish attitude.

I'd stay as you are, if you are happy to let the relationship as is, then don't rock the boat. He clearly doesn't want to buy the house, I doubt he'd contribute half if he doesn't now so you'll just be left with even more to pay. Personally I think there are a LOT of nice guys out there who are happy to contibute and commit, but only you can know what your personal tipping point is.

mrsbeaton

Thanks Haribo, he is a lovely man, we just need to sort this one way or another, he will not consider councelling though

Phudge, the rest of the cash is his, he pays for the internet connection here, and is always generous when we go out, but tbh I dont know what he does with it, he runs a van so some of it goes on that, but he has no savings, only about £200

Blackpool, I cannot move by myself, as I work part time and could not get the mortgage, the one i have now is for £55k, and house prices have gone up so much that the ones I am looking at are about £170 - £180k, even if i move my mortgage over i will only have £155k and you cannot get a house for that around here

Thanks all for the replies x

RAS

Can you consider getting full-time work?

mountainlioness

mrsbeaton wrote: »

He is not on a huge wage, he clears about £260 a week, he would be happy to live at his dads and still carry on seeing me, but part of me thinks that this is the easy way out for him, he gets the best of all worlds, and is that a step backwards in the relationship ??

But that step 'backwards' might give you the space to reassess the relationship and see if it is really what you want long term.

Sounds like you've worked long and hard for what you have in your current house and I'd agree with other posters who say it won't be long before your DD is more independent and mobile anyway. I'd be wary of sacrificing your v strong position just for a couple of years' worth of convenient travelling.

mrsbeaton

Yes there is nothing to stop me looking for full time work, or another job, I used to work full time at the place im at now, but they cut my hours back, it was not my choice, I love my job and dont want to leave, but I could look for another one to fit around it.

I must admit though I do enjoy working part time , but would be prepared to go full time if necessary.

rozeepozee

mrsbeaton wrote: »

The trouble is, I am already starting to get resentfull that he is living here and not committing, but I dont want to split up with him, I just cant see a way forward

you're not powerless in this - whatever you do, you are making a choice. You can choose for him to pay his own way, and you can choose to let him not. You can choose to ask him to leave, you can choose for him to stay. You can't change him, but you choose your own path in life.

On the subject of buying a house with him, if you choose to do so, my advice would be to ensure that you hold the shares in your house as tenants in common, with a deed drawn up by solicitors confirming proportion of the equity that is your's and what is his - and thus how it would be divided were you to split and sell up (it's not automatically half each unless you hold the property as joint tenants). None at the moment, if he isn't able to contribute to the new house you want to buy. This fact seems to speak volumes to me.

Incidentally, if you've separated recently, what's to stop that happening again - and if you have bought a house with him by then - what would the consequences of that be?

cattie

mrsbeaton wrote: »

he would be happy to live at his dads and still carry on seeing me, but part of me thinks that this is the easy way out for him, he gets the best of all worlds, and is that a step backwards in the relationship ??

I think it's not so much a step backwards in the relationship, but rather that he doesn't want it to move on any further if he can be as happy living with his father as he can with you.

It sounds as if he doesn't actually need you in the same way you need him. You want & need him because you love him & want to spend your life with him. He hasn't properly emotionally or financially commited himself to you or the relationship.

You have to do what's best for your daughter as she will always be a part of your life, whereas you don't know how long this partner will be around.

As others have suggested, if you got full time work could you manage to buy a house in the are you want on your own? If not, could you consider renting for a while in the new area & let out your house or sell it & bank the cash untill the time you may be ready to buy again?

SugarSpun

I wouldn't sell your house for the sake of a few years' convenience - it sounds to me as though you should hang on to what you have and be proud of your achievement in getting it. My ex's mother insisted on moving out of their 2-bed house into a 4-bed house about two years before the older son planned to move out and now finds herself with a massive house she can't afford because neither son is at home contributing to the rent.

Can't help you with your partner, but if he isn't contributing and isn't behaving like an equal, do you really want him there?

mrsbeaton

Thanks for the coments everyone, It has certainly given me a lot to think about.

I must just say though in his defence, when we were talking about the new house, he hapily agreed for us to see a solicitor, and have it put in writting how much money I have put in, and that if we were to split up in the future, I would get my stake back plus 50% of the profit.

He also agreed to go 50 / 50 on all bills, and that if anything should happen to both of us that that his part would be left to my dd, along with my part.

So he is not all bad

Thanks again x

Emmzi

I don't thin it's about 'bad', its just about 'different' and whether different bothers you that much.