Advice re OH and house buying

skintchick

mrsbeaton wrote: »

He is scared of the commitment of having to pay a mortgage for the next 20 years or so, I think he would be happy to live anywhere, I do think its basically wrong though that I am having to push him to buy with me

Now I have HUGE alarm bells going off! He wants a cheap place to live, basically, and not to have to pay equally into the relationship.

I'm afraid it's time he paid his way fairly, or gets out.

If he is scared of committing 20 years to the mortgage, what does that say about your relationship? To me, it says he doesn;t want to commit to that either.

belfastgirl23

I guess I have a sort of different perspective here. You have been trying to push him into doing something he doesn't want to do. The fear of getting a mortgage is pretty real (especially if he worries about his health, whether justified or not) and I guess I don't really see any reason why he should automatically want something because you want it.

And I really don't understand why your question is whether to go ahead and buy a house with him. To me what you're asking is whether you should push him into something he really doesn't want that has no particular benefit for him. I can't see how that's a good thing from any point of view.

To me, you need to rethink your options. Is getting a full time job possible? Could you come to an arrangement with a local taxi firm - reduced rate for a regular job? In a few years time your DD will probably be driving or will have friends who are driving so it does seem like a very permanant solution to what is in effect a temporary problem...

Hope you see this in the spirit it's meant, just offering another perspective

mrsbeaton

But most of the time the atmoshphere is great, we laugh a lot of the time, and he gets on great with my dd, she loves him, and he loves her, its just the odd occasion when he is on a low, that things get worse.

My dd is my life, i would do anything for her, she will always come first, no questions.

Belfastgirl, its ok its good to get a lot of different ideas, I think that is part of the problem, I want him to want the same things as me, and he simply does not, but where do we do from here ???

peachyprice

mrsbeaton wrote: »

Thanks Hun dd is a teen , so not long before she can drive anyway.

The trouble is, I am already starting to get resentfull that he is living here and not committing, but I dont want to split up with him, I just cant see a way forward

Perhaps the way forward is for him to move into his own place, but not necessarily end the relationship. Is there any reason why you can't have your own separate bases but still have a happy relationship?

I think you're right, the resentment that he's living in your house for peanuts is just going to build, but I really can't see buying a house together will ease things, and may well make it worse, he may well turn his resentment on you for making him buy a house and comitting financially to something he really doesn't want.

delain

peachyprice wrote: »

Perhaps the way forward is for him to move into his own place, but not necessarily end the relationship. Is there any reason why you can't have your own separate bases but still have a happy relationship?

I think you're right, the resentment that he's living in your house for peanuts is just going to build, but I really can't see buying a house together will ease things, and may well make it worse, he may well turn his resentment on you for making him buy a house and comitting financially to something he really doesn't want.

I think him moving out may be what you need - at least then you and DD have your space when he gets a bit much, and don't help him out - let him see what its like to pay the bills on his own!! you never know it may even improve his attitude!

mrsbeaton

The idea of him having his own place is appealing, but the thing is, that if he leaves here, which has happened before, he goes straight to his dads house, and stays there, he pays his dad £50 per week when he is living there :rolleyes:

I have even spoken to his dad, and he said he will always take him back in because its his child, so OH has always got somewhere to run to :mad:

I know that if I asked for us to live seperatly he would be straight back to his dad.

peachyprice

Well that's fine, if he want to live with his dad that's not really your problem, at least he will be out of your house, if his dad is happy to have him for £50 a week it's between them.

Would he be happy to continue his relationship with your if he moves to his dad's?

The fact that he will go straight to his dad's does rather support the theory that he's just after a cheap ride. Does he earn much?

delain

mrsbeaton wrote: »

The idea of him having his own place is appealing, but the thing is, that if he leaves here, which has happened before, he goes straight to his dads house, and stays there, he pays his dad £50 per week when he is living there :rolleyes:

I have even spoken to his dad, and he said he will always take him back in because its his child, so OH has always got somewhere to run to :mad:

I know that if I asked for us to live seperatly he would be straight back to his dad.

Ooh that's maddening. i have an ex with a really unhealthy relationship with his mother like that. His mother said in court that he never hurt me (she watched him bite my face - and that was only one incident of many!)

Have you told his father that it's his fault his son can't stand on his own two feet?

mrsbeaton

He is not on a huge wage, he clears about £260 a week, he would be happy to live at his dads and still carry on seeing me, but part of me thinks that this is the easy way out for him, he gets the best of all worlds, and is that a step backwards in the relationship ??

mrsbeaton

delain wrote: »

Ooh that's maddening. i have an ex with a really unhealthy relationship with his mother like that. His mother said in court that he never hurt me (she watched him bite my face - and that was only one incident of many!)

Have you told his father that it's his fault his son can't stand on his own two feet?

Oh god he bit you ?? thats nasty :mad:, yes I have told his dad, but he just says ' what can i do, I wont see him on the streets'

I do get on well with his dad, and talk to him quite a lot, but it makes me mad that he wont make him stand on his own two feet :mad: