Advice re OH and house buying

mrsbeaton

Hello all, I am after a little bit of advice and help if possible, I have signed on under a different username as I dont want to be recognised, some people know the real me iykwim.

I have been with my OH for 4 years this December, I am in my 40's and he is just a bit younger, when we first met I thought I had found my soulmate ( still do sometimes)

I bought this house years ago when my dd was small, I was a single parent from when she was tiny, its been struggle at times, but I am very proud that I have managed to survive with no debts at all, I now have considerable equity in this house. My dd goes to school about 15 miles away, it is a very good school, and I was lucky to get her in there, so I drive her about 6 miles to the train station, where she meets up with her mates and gets the train to school, its a long journy twice a day, and I would like to move nearer to the station so that she is able to walk and be more independant.

I have managed to save all the money for the fees etc, but I cannot get a big enough mortgage on my wage alone, as I only work part time. I bought the subject up with OH a while back, and asked if he would buy a new house with me, he refused point blank, saying that the market was unstable, and we should wait a year, OK fast forward a year, and he agrees to start the ball rolling, I got three estate agents round, got valuations etc, but somewhere in my head I knew that his heart was not in it, I phoned him at work one day and asked if he was sure, and he said yes, I pushed him further and he eventually admitted that he did not want to.

He came home from work that night, and we sat and chatted, I explained to him that I really wanted to move, ( to help my dd with her socilaising as well ) and that this was make or break time for us, after 4 years I thought the time was right. Anyway he went upstaris and packed his bags and left, I did not contact him for a week, he eventually phoned, and we met to talk, we were both miserable without the other one, we agreed to give it another months trial and see how we got on, the month was up on Friday, and he has agreed to buy a new house with me.

Now I have over £100 K equity in this house, which is a huge amount of money, and I have saved cash for all the fees, I have asked countless times for him to start saving, but he has not saved a penny, this is despite him making a huge amount of cash in one month on Ebay.

He suffers from depression and is a hypochondriac, seriously every time he sneezes he thinks he has flu, every time he stands up he says he had dizzy spells, honestly it is CONSTANT, and it drives me mad. He has not seen a Dr for 25 years, as he does not trust them. Yesterday it all came to a head after he moaned about another 'problem' and I am afraid I shouted at him, and told him to get a life, he took himself off to bed for 3 hours, so dd and I went out, when we came back, he was all chirpy and acting like nothing had happened and he had done an awfull lot in the house, I was still cross, and did not really speak to him for the rest of the evening or this morning.

I am now having serious doubts about buying a house with him, If I do I will be tied to him for a long time, and as much as I love him, he also drives me mad at times. But I am also starting to resent the fact that he is living here in my house for a reasonably small amount of money each week, and I think this will only get worse if we stay here.

When he is away I miss him terribly and feel like part of me is missing, and I know I have painted a bad picture of him, but he can be the nicest person you would ever meet, and it breaks my heart when we are apart.

I suppose what I am asking is what would you do ? do i go ahead and buy the house with him and risk loosing money if we should split up , or stay as we are and become more and more resentfull ?

Thanks for reading and well done for getting this far !!

skintchick

If he isn;t bringing anything to the party, financially, then I'd be tempted to simply buy a new house in my own name with my own money and leave him out of it, as otherwise when you split he will take half the house and you will be out of pocket.

I'm afraid I say when you split, not if, as it sounds like there are other issues here than the house.

I'd be hearing alarm bells if I were you.

mrsbeaton

Thanks Skintchick ,unfortunatly I cannot afford to move on my own, as I only work part time, and so cannot get a large enough mortgage :rolleyes:

skintchick

THen if it were me (and I know you are not me) I would stay where I was and work on sorting out the issues with OH, or splitting up.

For a start he should be paying a fair share into the household. And he should also be taking responsibility for his behaviour and his illness (if he really is depressed) and getting help.

My instinct is that you'd be better off without him, but only you can make that decision and I only know what you've told me, not the whole story.

mrsbeaton

He pays for the food each week, about £80 ish, and gives me £50 cash towards bills, I am not sure this is 100% fair but I think that he thinks its more than enough, once during an argument, he said he could get a flat for £400 a month all bills included, :rotfl:we live in quite an expensive area, I told him to get me the details as I might move in there myself :rolleyes:

peachyprice

I agree with skintchick, there are alarm bells ringing, that you should be hearing. You've had to force im into agreeing to buy a house with you, and even though he has agreed his heart it still not in it.

Can I ask how old your DD is, I guessing at secondary school as she goes on the train with her friends?

If this is the case, do you really want to throw away the security you have with your current home, that you have worked really hard for, for the sake of your daughter being able to walk to the station for a few years? Trust me, the time will fly by and she will be out of school before you know it, and you would have given up your independence to buy a house with a man that really doesn't sound like he's in in for the long term.

If you really want to help with your DD's independence, as you say this is the whole reason for wanting to move, start putting money to one side for driving lessons and a car as soon as she's 17. Think of the long term, not the here and now.

chadhar

funding has finished and will not be avialble next year i have just been told by them

skintchick

Of course it's not fair! He works so he should pay. You can either do it 50/50 on the bills, or as a percentage of total household income, and maybe leave the mortgage out of it as it's your house, but charge him rent.

If he isn;t prepared to pay his way then it speaks volumes about how he biews the relationship.

Do you know whay he doesn;t want to buy a new house? Is that he doesn;t want to move, or is it the financial side i.e. that he will have to pay his way for once?

His reasons make a big difference to the situation IMO.

I will say though that a month's trial separation isn;t really long enough. I know you missed him, but I missed my ex at first and we almost got back together, but the longer we left it the more sure i was of my decisin to end it and I've never wished I was back with him.

mrsbeaton

Thanks Hun dd is a teen , so not long before she can drive anyway.

The trouble is, I am already starting to get resentfull that he is living here and not committing, but I dont want to split up with him, I just cant see a way forward

mrsbeaton

skintchick wrote: »

Do you know whay he doesn;t want to buy a new house? Is that he doesn;t want to move, or is it the financial side i.e. that he will have to pay his way for once?

.

He is scared of the commitment of having to pay a mortgage for the next 20 years or so, I think he would be happy to live anywhere, I do think its basically wrong though that I am having to push him to buy with me

delain

i think you just need to tell him to pay up or get lost. my mum married a man like that (admittedly she does not own her own home) he moved in, paid virtually nothing and completely alienated my brother and i to the point where i almost lamped him for the way he was making my mum feel. He was a hyochondriac too, used to cover himself with vicks all the time, like he was addicted to it or something, i can't even look at the stuff anymore! The point of this is that your DD won't have missed all the tension in the house and may be blaming herself because you want to move for her sake. obviously its not her fault, but it's not fair she has to put up with it. I know you love OH and its not always that easy, but in my book, kids come first!

Be strong,your DD deserves a better atmosphere at home!!