Today is a new day!

satchmo1

Oh my dear P&F, do you realise your strength makes Samson seem weak. You are a warm, caring human and humans have feelings. Just because you are weeping isn't bad - in fact, I was reading today that weeping actually alters our hormones and lessens the internal pressure! Would you be so harsh on a friend who was having a bad time? NO! You would find kind words and encouragement for them (just like you find here): be as friendly to yourself. Warmest hugs, Satchmo xxx

poorbutrich

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED wrote: »

Have not just been crying today, Ive been weeping, weeping for England.

I haven't made my target. I missed putting an order through last night to acquire my ideal bonus because I fell asleep about 8ish. Im so so angry with myself, not that I have got the extra £299 I need for my adaption anyway. Its all a complete nightmare. Quite simply, the reality is my best is not good enough, I can pretend all I like everything is ok, but it isn't. Have had real doubts today. What I want to do and what I can physically do are simply miles apart. I really want to hide in a corner, cover myself with a blanket and pretend Im somewhere else. Instead, I need to sort out some deliveries, put my pretend smile on, try and be normal and get what I can done before collecting dd from the after school club, finish the deliveries with her in tow, come home, do supper, just maybe get to bed before falling asleep again. We will need to work for a couple of hours tom. Ive felt so tired today and of course weeping does nothing for your brain. Feel washed out. Not sure what I am going to do, how to manage financially, how to become superwoman. Thats what I need to be. I wish someone could tell me how to overcome the issues. Perhaps my dreams are just too ridiculous. I know what I need, another one of me, oh just how wonderful would that be to have help. All this makes me cry for my dh. I want him here. What I would give for just one hug. Oh Ill shut up. Must get on. I will get over this, Im just gutted at failing again.

P and F - by the time you read this you will probably be back to your positive self but just to let you know that you haven't "failed again" - you are a success by anyone's standards.
We all miss targets and have moments of hopelessness and if we didn't, then the high points would be meaningless. I really hope you are feeling better. You are hugely inspirational and have achieved more than most of us who haven't had to deal with your setbacks. PLease get someone to make you a cup of tea and allow yourself a moment to relish what you've achieved and simply have a rest. Really hope you're ok.

PM me if you'd like a hand with deliveries or practicalities,
pbr
x

moo2moo

Christ woman you put us mere mortals to shame. You work far far too hard, you expect three times as much of yourself as the rest of us do on a daily basis and you succeed. I would be proud to stand in your shoes. Proud but absolutely exhausted.

Is there a way of contacting HQ and asking if they can backdate the orders you were unable to enter last night to enable you to qualify for your bonus?

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, thank you so much for your warm comments. Just popping on to update where I am today!

Watched some of Sports Relief last night and promptly felt so selfish having moaned about life yesterday and weeping so when life and death is at the forefront of so many lives in less fortunate parts of the world.

Nevertheless, I am still weepy, but have made some decisions about how I move on from this point in the coming weeks. Kleeneze IS for me. Its in my soul, its me, many of my customers are dear friends, many have lived my marriage, my pregnancy, the birth of my dd, my dh murder, my falls, everything with me. Take it away from me, if I give up, I am not me. I love the challenge, I aspire to what it can ultimately offer me and dd in terms of financial freedom. I just need to find a way and where theres a will there is always a way. I am just trying to find it. Not least where else can I earn potentially £2700 which is the most I have ever earnt to date for 4 weeks income, (thats what Im striving to get back to) and still be able to collect dd from school, and rest in the day at times of my choosing. Im my own boss, I love it, I wish I didn't feel so alone in the business. By that I mean I know of no other disabled person working the business. There must be, but I dont know them personally to share ideas on how to make it work and build more effectively. So, I do find it lonely from that angle. Am seriously thinking of writing a book on being a disabled , single parent businesswoman. Ive not heard of any books from anyone else in that situation, training is thin on the ground from that perspective, I think there could be a real area of need. Just how many out there like me wanting to start their own business, have access to help/training but all from an able bodied perspective, yet not from their own. Might sound arrogant to say that , but I am starting to write down notes, and maybe one day that could be a real possibility. Anyway, moving on to practicalities!..
1. My gym membership has to go. Its a real shame as it makes me feel so good when I go, however I just can not afford it right now. So, they will be getting a letter of cancellation on Mon.
2. Only just started to go to Slimming World, but this will now stop. Finding £4.95 every other week, let alone every week is just silly for that. Again, a shame as it has been helpful. I lost 2.5lb a week ago.
3. The above two were my areas of a social life, so will just have to forget this area of my life totally. Remember why and just get on with the job of correcting my situation so I can go back to both some time in the future.
4. Will be contacting the Auctioneers selling some of my pictures, they said they could sell some others I have for £50 each, and as I have 12 by the same artist, Im going to sell them all. If they all sell inc the ones they have already for the recommended prices, that would give me £1500. I have to do it. Breaks my heart, however Im very lucky I have such things to sell.
5. Mum has offered to lend me the money for the adaption. If I am totally honest I wish they would offer to buy it in full, however she has said if need be I can pay her back half of it. I have tried to explain to her that I do not want to increase my outgoings any more, but Im in the corner, my back is against the wall, I have no other means of paying the full amount req and without a car I am nothing. Work, dd everything relies on me getting about. So, I have accepted her offer but have yet to arrange repayments. I would like to leave it and pay her out of the picture sales, but of course if for some reason they dont sell Im back to step one owing her the money.
6. So everything falls to my business plan from here on in. For the next 4 weeks:
I intend to retail a min of £1125 a week.
Contact 10 prospects a week, a small start however I recognise I need to build my team.
Do an Easter fair at dd's school next Sat, I am hiring a table with a view to promoting the business, do a draw for anyone who completes their details for me to send them some info and call them to see if of interest.
Do a newsletter to all my customers, offering another prize draw for all orders by way of saying thank you for their custom and patience during the cold, snowy weather during the winter. Intend to offer a £25 worth of products of their choice for free to the winner of the draw.

Thats where Im at right now. Have a busy weekend, my sis and children are coming over again tom. If I can get through next week financially, I can get through anything. All will be ok, it has to be. Ive come so far, I am not going to give up now. I just hope I can be strong enough to keep going. Believe in myself a bit more, be confident that all will be ok. Be grateful for the now with my dear gorgeous dd! Thanks for your words.

Smart_Mart

I've hesitated before posting this, PaF, so forgive me if it appears a little harsh.

You seem to be operating at 100% most of the time in your life which is really admirable but no good at all in the long term. If you were a footballer, you'd be constantly injured; if you were a social worker, you'd have been signed off with stress and if you were a lollipop lady, you'd have stuck your lollipop up someone's £$%^&* by now.

Point I'm making is that you cannot expect to continue at full throttle all the time. Either you need to reduce your outgoings (which you are doing) or get to a point some other way of not needing as much money coming in.

I have to do 712 newspapers each week. I used to deliver them over two days but now I take four. I still get the money the same regularity, I still do them in the allotted time but I'm not as stressed and tired as I was before and I mix the papers in with other jobs and stuff that makes me feel happy.

Your work/life balance is all skew wiff (sp?) and until you sort it out, you'll never be happy. You need to reduce your output from 100% to around 80% then maybe things will start clicking for you at last. Running at full speed will run you down eventually and none of us here want to see that happen.

thrifty_fifty

Hi P &F,

What an amazing person you are.My own diary looks like a complete winge fest compared to yours. You are an extremely strong person, and I can relate to you loving your job, because that is the thing that keeps you focused and active in achieving your goals.

I can't begin to compare myself to you in any measure, but I know that when I was going through my worst patch, studying was and is my thing, because no matter how crappy things get, I know I am doing something positive to change my situation. And while I'm actively trying to change things, then the bad stuff won't be forever, eventually there will be some give, and the good times will roll in.

And what a role model your child has, someone to really look up to. And when you do have a down moment, just remember that your friends, family, and everyone on here is behind you, every step of the way.

xx

InaPickle

Hi PaF! Sorry I haven't been round much, but I've been working a stupid number of hours (and dodgy ones at that), so it means that there hasn't been all that much time to :money:.

I'm sorry to read about your VBD (Very Bad Day), but you are entitled to them as much as anyone. The main thing is not how many times you fall over, it's how many times you pick yourself up. If you keep the latter one more than the former, you will be fine!

But seriously, I don't mean to sound glib, but things are tough sometimes and you feel them more than others. It sounds like your past fortnight has been just exhausting and that has probably compounded your negative feelings. I'm glad to see that you have decided to keep with Kleeneze (for the foreseeable future at least) as your posts make you sound like you enjoy it so much. I can see that it is hard work and long hours, but you seem to do brillilanly at it, and have put in many hard days in building up your business. If you stopped and lost all the momentum you had gained, then ever decided to return to it, you would have to start again, and if your heart is really in it, that would be such a shame.

As for feeling alone in the business, why don't you mention something to someone a bit further up the chain? Perhaps you could start a group? It might be something that they would be interested in as it would promote a positive image of the company as an equal opportunities employer. They might ask you to do it though, so it might take some of your scant time, so think of the flip-side!

Sorry about the gym and SW going, but the can come back later when things are easier. And STOP BEING SO PROUD! Your mum is probably more than happy to help you out and will be happy for you to pay her back when you can do so comfortably. People, especially family, like to help, so let them, occasionally: that's what family are there for, and it often gives them pleasure to do what they can. Don't beat yourself up about needing some help from time to time - we all do!

Take care and look forward to hearing more news from PaFland soon. x

Different_Corner

Paf

You are seriously allowed not to be superwoman.
You can get angry, tired and sad at the same time, honest. Without making light of it a bit of duvet diving crying your eyes out is good.
You are so honest about your feelings, so don't deprive yourself of letting it out.
Hope it doesn't sound harsh. I don't mean to be.
Just we expect so much from ourselves that sometimes we set ourselves up for a fall.
Hope the week is going to be kind to you. HUGS.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, Ive just come on here v quickly thinking the last post on this diary would be my own. You are all v kind. You are so right Smart Mart, I know you are. How though? How!

Mum texted me this am. She wants to talk to me tom. I saw my sis yesterday and had a frank conversation with her. Basically from what she said, my family feel Ive made my choices and they are not the same as the ones they would have made for me and so I have to live with the consequences, and maybe its time not to do what I do. So, Im not sure what I will do if mum talks to me on tues expecting me to give up my business. That said, she has said she doesn't want me to give up the gym as she knows its good for my disability to keep everything working as much as poss. I went there this am. Did 10 mins on the bike, 10 mins on the step machine, some stretches. Thats all but I feel just so so great after it all. Anyway, will wait to see what transpires tues. I dont want to have to be on the defensive, but I will just have to wait and see.

Re Kl, Pickle, Ive approached my upline re more representation in the business for disabled and Ive been met with a wall of silence. They have always been great to me, Im featured in the info packs for prospects, Ive been given 2 awards, I value their support tremendously. However, on this issue, I dont think they know what to do with me. Over the years, Ive also become more vocal about my thoughts on the subject as Ive become braver in my attempts to lobby for greater equality! I did send my story into Kl themselves, do you remember, and they published it. Nevertheless, personally I long to hear from other people in the business with mobility issues, always have, but never had the chance for whatever reason, they are not given the stage to share how they succeed at the business. Im talking about a training, the nitty gritty of how they do the day to day stuff, overcome their challenges. Its the way this world is, I do wonder if people in the main just don't want to be reminded people like me do exist. Hence why the Disability Discrimination Act is a good thing! I have always had to find my niche and prove myself to others. I worked 18 years in the banking industry, it took me months to be given the chance to become a cashier, when I finally did I went on to become the No 1 cashier in the branch so as with everything, its just being given the chance. (I used a tupperware bowl instead of my hand to count the coin. I would put it on my lap, and it worked v well!) In Kl I would love the opportunity to hear others like me. I am thinking of writing to Kl head office and offering my services with regard to training for disabled in retailing. But as you say the time element in doing that is not what I need right now. I want to build a wonderful business, I aspire to becoming an entrepreneur. I need to manage my time to do that. And frankly my dd needs to be prioritised too. Would I rather have a hug with my dd for an hour or write letters to Kl, I think the former right now!!

Speaking to my sis, I am going to look into Incapacity benefit. Double check whether I can work while getting it, then thats great. If I can't, I just don't want to go there. One thing anyone who knows me has to respect is it has taken me so much determination to keep my home, keep everything paid up to date, build my business to the level it is at now, and do all that over the last decade while dealing with my dh alcoholism, a baby, my dh murder and my disability and falling over. I am not prepared to give it all up to make others happier. They can support me or leave me alone!

My focus at present is to get through today and tom, get this talk over with my mum tom, and go from there. Thank you for all your support and wise words.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Ive just googled Incapacity Benefit. I already feel uncomfortable about it. I would on the face of it have to lie as I can work, I want to work. It's for people who definately can not work. I will double check the criteria with someone who can clarify but looking at 2 websites it would seem I do not qualify. Also, on one of the websites it says an application can interfere with the Disability Living Allowance. Do I want to put myself through all of that uncertainty, have a medical etc if I by some miracle I could qualify. The reason I have doubt is that it states "if you are self employed", not were". My gut feeling is to keep things as they are. The summer is on its way, my physical well being is always better in the warmer months. Then it will be Christmas, and my sales always shoot up. Why dont I give myself the rest of the year to assess how I can move on from here on in. Really try to implement the things I want to address in my life, keeping myself fit, addressing my sleep patterns, keeping my diet healthy, keeping my spending low. Reduce the debt, keep on top of all the bills. Enjoy life with dd. Yes, to me giving myself till the end of the year is a good , length of time to monitor how I do with all these things. That way, if I find I can not keep it all up at least I know Ive really given it my all. I do not want to give up just yet!