advice please

dipsy

Hi

wondered if anyone can give me some pointers on the best way to deal with this.....

my partner has two children aged 9 & 7 that live some 250 miles away from us, his now ex wife moved away to be nearer to her family which is totally understandable.

my partner sees the children every other weekend, hiring a car, fuel B & B, entertainment for children etc which he has no problem with at all.

the last couple of times he has had the children their mum has refused to pack clothes for them saying he has to provide weekend clothing for them - he has buys them bits and bobs of clothing everytime he sees them but does not see the point in him holding onto them as they wont get the wear out of them every other weekend and the clothing are items that they have chosen and like so it is only natural that they should keep hold of them - but then she won't let him have them the next time he visits, she has in the past sent dirty/wet/unironed clothes, this weekend they went in the clothes they were wearing and little else.

anyway to keep it short and to the point


she verbally attacks him all the time in front of the children re lack of maintenence, lack of support etc etc... he is self employed has no income as such and the little money he has he uses to visit the children - £7800 per year based on every other weekend, although he does extended visits and holidays etc

he has suggested less visits and pay her money but she is not happy with this either

anyway question is what steps can he take to make sure the children are ok as they witnessed a particularly horrible scene on Sunday and the eldest who is very sensitive was left very upset and his dad did not want to leave him .......

is there anyone he can contact?

Can he speak with the school and ask for any letters that go home - does he have a right to do this?

Can he inisist on mediation and how does that work/costs etc?

He is worried that the children are going to be scard in the future as she is constently telling them their dad does not pay anything towards them, he had affairs thats why they split up, etc etc etc

PS they didn't split up because he had an affair, they were seperated when he met the woman she mentions.... I guess technically as they were married it was an affair, but then that means she was equally as she had a boyfriend not long after......

Who can he contact with his concerns over the childrens mental well being?

thanks for reading....

ameliarate

He can contact the school and as to get copies of letters, reports etc.

My first instinct on reading your post is, if he is not paying any maintenance at all for his children then, whilst I don't think his ex is right to fight with him in front of them. I'm not surpised she is upset. Regarless of what it costs him to visit them they are his children and he should be supporting them financially.

dipsy

Hi Amelia

I understand and hear what you are saying, but how can he pay what he doesn't have, the only alternative is to pay but not see the children......which is something neither he nor the children want.

and its not just being angry in his presence, she is constantly bringing him down over the phone, to the children etc

and whilst I understand she is cross that he pays nothing to her, he has offered to pay her but will then only be able to see the children one in 4 not the 2 in 4 he presently does

she says that this is not acceptable either as she needs a break........ what can he do...

maybe things might have been easier if she had not decided to move 250 miles away, he could have seen them more and still paid her some money

its a bit of a mess really, kids upset, shes upset, hes upset......

just really wanted to know what steps he can take to try and resolve all of this, what does mediation involve?

thanks

ameliarate

dipsy wrote: »

Hi Amelia

I understand and hear what you are saying, but how can he pay what he doesn't have, the only alternative is to pay but not see the children......which is something neither he nor the children want.

and its not just being angry in his presence, she is constantly bringing him down over the phone, to the children etc

and whilst I understand she is cross that he pays nothing to her, he has offered to pay her but will then only be able to see the children one in 4 not the 2 in 4 he presently does

she says that this is not acceptable either as she needs a break........ what can he do...

maybe things might have been easier if she had not decided to move 250 miles away, he could have seen them more and still paid her some money

its a bit of a mess really, kids upset, shes upset, hes upset......

just really wanted to know what steps he can take to try and resolve all of this, what does mediation involve?

thanks

I despise women who do this, using their children in this way, I would still question the maintenance or lack thereof, but still it is no excuse for her behaviour. I don't know the answer I'm afraid other than he has a word with her and tells her that if she continues to behave towards him like this in front of the children alternative arrangements via a third party will have to be made when he returns them home.

gizmo111

has no income as such and the little money he has he uses to visit the children

What does he live on then?
I think it needs to be sorted so that mum is getting some maintenace - he is paying out an awful lot - would he be better off saving for a car rather than paying out all that car hire every month. Equally if she provides clothes then she can have the cash he would spend on that.
Has she gone to the CSA?

chnelomi

hi so sorry to here what your partner is going through. unfortunately this seems to happen so often now. mediation is a good way to go as it usually involves just your partner and his ex going to a mediator who will help them to discuss things in a controlled environment. they will help in the process of understanding what is best for the kids, help decide if seeing them is more important than paying maintenance or help them to reach an agreement in between say 3 weekly visits etc.

I know people who have been through it and those first meeting had them climbing the walls in frustration as in each persons opinion the other was being unreasonable lol Eventually though they came to agreements that worked well for the majority. it also helps to work out things like school reports and what would happen in the event of medical problems and emergencys.

dipsy

gizmo111 wrote: »

What does he live on then?
I think it needs to be sorted so that mum is getting some maintenace - he is paying out an awful lot - would he be better off saving for a car rather than paying out all that car hire every month. Equally if she provides clothes then she can have the cash he would spend on that.
Has she gone to the CSA?

Hi thanks for your reply.... he lives with me and therefore has no living costs per se......

if he saved for a car then he would not be able to see the children in the meantime as he wouldn't have a car in which to go and see them, the car hire is the smallest element of the whole cost in any case and to own a car he would then need insurance/MOT/Tax maintenence, the £50 he pays to rent the car every weekend he sees them is a much cheaper option than buying and maintaining one at present.

the CSA are involved and have stated he has nothing to pay at present.

dipsy

chnelomi wrote: »

hi so sorry to here what your partner is going through. unfortunately this seems to happen so often now. mediation is a good way to go as it usually involves just your partner and his ex going to a mediator who will help them to discuss things in a controlled environment. they will help in the process of understanding what is best for the kids, help decide if seeing them is more important than paying maintenance or help them to reach an agreement in between say 3 weekly visits etc.

I know people who have been through it and those first meeting had them climbing the walls in frustration as in each persons opinion the other was being unreasonable lol Eventually though they came to agreements that worked well for the majority. it also helps to work out things like school reports and what would happen in the event of medical problems and emergencys.

how does he go about arranging this, she is based in Kent and he is based in the North of England, I know he would be willing to travel down there if it meant coming to some resolution as this is becoming unbearable for everyone concerned, I know it can't be easy for her and it must be very frustrating for her not to have any money coming from him, but the only way he can pay her the money is not to see the children which is really not an option.....

gizmo111

Hi thanks for your reply.... he lives with me and therefore has no living costs per se......

And how longare you prepared for that to continue? What about your own plans - do you want children of your own? I don't think the situation is sustainable in the long term. Why have the CSA assessed him at 0 when he earns money? Even people on benefits have to pay a small amount of £5 per week.

dipsy

gizmo111 wrote: »

And how longare you prepared for that to continue? What about your own plans - do you want children of your own? I don't think the situation is sustainable in the long term. Why have the CSA assessed him at 0 when he earns money? Even people on benefits have to pay a small amount of £5 per week.

hi well its been like this for a year now... I do have my own children

The CSA have assessed him at 0 as he is self employed and its a new business therefore no accounts as yet or at least that is what I have been led to believe.

if he/they have got this wrong and they assess in a different manner then I guess this needs to be addressed, and he is willing to pay, but as he has no spare cash he can't, the money he can pay he uses to see the children and he does it on a shoe string, if he pays the money direct to her then he won't be able to see the children

all in all its a very difficult situation.....

but my main question really is how can he ensure that the children are not subjected to this emotional disturbance... he is really concerned for them as am I, can't be nice for them to be left in an atmosphere knowing they wont see their dad for another 2 weeks....

galvanizersbaby

dipsy wrote: »

Hi thanks for your reply.... he lives with me and therefore has no living costs per se......

if he saved for a car then he would not be able to see the children in the meantime as he wouldn't have a car in which to go and see them, the car hire is the smallest element of the whole cost in any case and to own a car he would then need insurance/MOT/Tax maintenence, the £50 he pays to rent the car every weekend he sees them is a much cheaper option than buying and maintaining one at present.

the CSA are involved and have stated he has nothing to pay at present.

Would it be cheaper to bring the children back to his home for the weekend? 8K per annum seems a lot of money for 2 weekend visits per month