Swapping kids rooms when son joins Forces

Kaz2904

26 weeks is 6 months. So his room will be unused for 6 months and your DD cramped in her room. How about keeping it as his room but let her sleep in there while he's away and do it gradually? Then when he comes home ask him if he wouldn't mind going in the small room because he's got much less stuff than she has.
If he has any issues just point out that it's her turn to have the space that he has always had.

never_enough

Have to agree with previous poster. 6 months of the big room sitting unused is crazy. He's leaving home, offer to help him sort things & box stuff up before he goes. Explain that his sister will be moving into the larger room & he can have the smaller room if he ever comes to visit. It would be nice if he made the suggestion himself, but it's unlikely he'd think of it.

babs2008

dizziblonde wrote: »

My mum did it to me the week I went to university (it was partially done as a revenge thing cos I didn't live at home like she wanted), and she decorated the small room in her taste, plonked my bed in it and called it my room... I never felt at home in that house after that when I went home for holidays etc and I really really resented it. Had she asked me and started a discussion in it it would have been different - but being given that fait accompli done so abruptly still rankles to this day.

Same thing happened to me. As soon as I left for uni (a top up degree, so I'd only be away 8 or 9 months) my brother moved into my bedroom.

I only found out when I said I was coming home to visit for the weekend. I was then told I had no bedroom any more and would have to make do in the smallest room.

I was gutted. I would have appreciated it if someone had at least asked me or even told me!

Now I'm back at home, and although my brother has worked in Manchester for over a year and a half, I know I'd never be allowed my room back.

I have given up trying to feel welcome in my own home. It's not the same any more. I'm desparate now to get away, to somewhere I can fit my own things. I have nowhere to even store my clothes - they sit outside my room in a pile.

I feel like an outcast in what used to be my home.

cheepskate_2

Its a huge thing for boys to move out, The forces is a hard life to get used to sometimes. Not only have you moved out but also moved away from all your friends and support network.

I dont think swapping rooms straight away is right and kind of leaves the kid with a not part of the family feelings.

I would maybe do as KAZ says and move your daughter into the room. but not her toys while he is away for a short while.

My youngest son would sleep in his brothers bed when he first left, suppose to be near him, which my eldest was fine with, as long as it was his when he came home.. By doing it gradually it gives your son a complete feeling of safety , that he is still a part of the family unit when times are tought during training, and allows your son to make that choice himself which i think is nice and treats him like an adult.

(QUOTE) & he can have the smaller room if he ever comes to visit. (

I cant really understand this way of thinking, Her son is going into the forces, he doesnt have another house so this house is still his home in that he does not "come to visit " but comes "home" on leave.

ailuro2

If he's only civil when his girlfriend is there, ask him what he thinks about offering his room to his little sis while she is there.....;)

Tell him you'll do all the work once he's away, and that nothing will be thrown out, it will all be waiting for him in the smaller room. I would also recommend offering to paint over the care bears wallpaper, or whatever's in your DD's current room. Postpone decorating the bigger bedroom for now, till DH comes round to the idea. I suspect your DH wants to leave it as it is because there's no work involved moving furniture etc.

See how DS reacts and take it from there.

BungleGirl

Thank you everyone that has replied! It has been really helpfull reading peoples views from the parents side and also from the young persons perspective.

So far I'm thinking that it would be a good idea to speak to DS before he goes and saying that it would be nice if he would consider swapping rooms with his sister...not straight away...but that he could let us know when he feels the time is right. If he hasn't offered to swap by the six month point (when he has his last opportunity to change his mind about joining) then it may be time to push things along a bit. Hopefully he will offer to swap after a few months.

When he first goes I don't think that there would be any harm in storing some of DD's things in his room - mostly eveything is in boxes so I'm not talking about filling his drawers/cupborards with her things and when he is home we can move them out but I don't think that he will mind them being left in his room.

I do also think that talking to him when his girlfriend is here is a good idea. We have decided to do that when we tell him that we have booked a week away in the summer - my step-daughter (16) is coming over from Canada and it will probably be the last time that we will all be together at the same time so we thought it would be nice and if his girlfriend comes too they will get a week together before he starts his training and she goes to uni. I'll see how that goes down first and then talk about the bedrooms another time!

amandada

richardw wrote: »

Does she really need all that stuff?
Perhaps she could put some on ebay/gumtree or take it down the charity shop.

It is his room and he will need it when he comes back on leave to rest, there is no need to swap rooms about.
The time may be when he has left home and perhaps has a place with a partner, perhaps just wait a bit and see.

Good luck to him in his training.

hahahhahaha do you want to be the one to tell the 9year old that she needs to get rid of her "stuff"???:rotfl:

And maybe there's not a "need" but it makes practical sense and if it's handled in the right way, as others have suggested, then it'd a lovely thing for a brother to do for his sister.

belfastgirl23

I really think this has the potential to blow up into something huge. your step son is probably already feeling a bit worried about heading off, it's a huge commitment and a big step from being a child to being a man. As someone who moved around a lot as a child I have to say there is a real security in having your own place and your own space, and some of the posters above have identified feeling completely out of place at home since their rooms were taken over. Don't make the mistake of thinking it's just a room - it's HOME for him and the loss of your home is a huge issue, especially if you are losing pretty much your whole life as you know it already.

The other thing that I don't think anyone else has picked up on is that this is your step son not your son. You've already alluded to the fact that there are tensions there. And I think step kids are always more likely to feel excluded or pushed out or that the 'real' kids are prioritised. If any of this is going on at all then you shouldn't ask him to give up his room.

So I guess I'm saying the opposite of most of the posters here. I think you should let him head off and leave his room for him as is. Yes it's ok to store his sister's stuff in there and maybe even let her use it to sleep over in if she has friends to stay (with his permission), but it's still his room. Once he's settled in and hopefully doesn't need it then it's ok to make gentle enquiries.

DaveLy

He wants to join the marines, willing to cope with sleeping in the freezing cold or swealtering heat with bombs going off in the background... kipping in a small bedroom shouldn't fase him. If he's the sort of guy to get into a tantrum over loosing his bigger bedroom i'll tell you as a matter of fact right now, he wont last 5 minutes in the marines.

Make a deal, if he leaves the marines in the first 9 months he keeps the room (not everyone passes) otherwise it's given to the daugher.

Mojisola

DaveLy wrote: »

He wants to join the marines, willing to cope with sleeping in the freezing cold or swealtering heat with bombs going off in the background... kipping in a small bedroom shouldn't fase him. If he's the sort of guy to get into a tantrum over loosing his bigger bedroom i'll tell you as a matter of fact right now, he wont last 5 minutes in the marines.

There are men who thrive in the Marines and the SAS but can't cope with personal emotional relationships - these are very different skills. As belfastgirl says - there is the added complication of him being a stepson.

See how he gets on with the training and be sensitive about his feelings.