REMO-Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Order

twirlie

Came to update. Funnily enough I was reminded this post exists because I just had it thrown in my face as proof of how much of a 'money grabbing' witch I am by my son's Dad. I forgot I'd even commented here so I never saw any of the replies! (Should thank my ex for that really! Thanks to your replies, I now know exactly how to go about getting orders amended! Haha!)

Just want to reiterate, DONT GIVE UP. It's horrible, it's lonely, you feel like you might as well be talking in chinese for all the sense you're making to the clerks who've never heard of what you're asking for before, but you will get there. if I did it, anyone can. Don't be put off by not having a lawyer. I'm no expert and I can only tell my story but if I can help, I will - as I'm sure would anyone else who's been through it. Just PM me.

As a note of encouragement, my ex repaid all his backdated child support this year through his taxes. He said he was overpaying them intentionally, but I never really know what to believe. He's now re-married with 3 more kids, so he could easily have found reasons to pay less taxes (I don't really understand the system) which leads me to believe there were big reasons for him to want to pay the debt off in one go - (Driving licence being revoked? Bad credit? I'm guessing here.) The money was held for 180 days (in reality around 120 full days - not even business days!) by the tax office because his wife was entitled to claim her half back, but obviously, she never did. So don't lose faith. The US CSA is a LOT harder on debt owing NCP's than the UK one appears to be!

We're off to TX next month so little man can finally stay with the Daddy he adores. Things are still horrific between the ex and I (as is obvious by tonights exchange) but, whatever. Contact started again a few months after I wrote here last and being the moneygrabbing witch I am, I spent nearly 3/4 of the entire backdated amount to make it happen before the money had even been released by the TX CSA. I know I apparently have MUG written across my forehead, but I do still think its a positive ending! xx

EclipsedMind

twirlie wrote: »

but I do still think its a positive ending! xx

It is a great ending and a testament to your dedication to your child by putting his needs first. Much kudos to you for doing so after all the difficulties and I hope things stay as trouble free as possible fro you.

EM

twirlie

EclipsedMind wrote: »

It is a great ending and a testament to your dedication to your child by putting his needs first. Much kudos to you for doing so after all the difficulties and I hope things stay as trouble free as possible fro you.

EM

Thank you! While I appreciate your comment I'm not sure it's deserved. I'm no martyr. I'm simply someone who's been dealt a bad hand health wise and who wants some security in knowing boy would be okay if I was long term hospitalised or ..worse. He ended up thrown at foster carers (thankfully neighbours who's son he knew through school) at the last second when my body decided to give itself reccuring C-Difficile and my family decided that it would be fine to keep him out of school for near on 2 weeks recently. I have a phone number for social services should the need God forbid, arise again, but as there's a 75% probablility of surgery some point in my lifetime, and I've watched my 19 year old brother nearly die, and take a year to recover from the same surgery, it changes your perspective. I would do or pay anything to have the security of knowing that little man wouldn't be a fish out of water shipped off to people and places he doesn't know if the worst, or some degree of the worst ever happened.

Plus for as much as he apparently hates my guts, Dad IS a good guy. It's easy to forget that you had reasons for having children with them when your only memories are of horrible things for many years. He has a nice family, stable home, a kind new wife, 3 kids, good job etc. It's so easy to get sidetracked when you're embroiled in "She's moneygrabbing witch!" and "He's an unreasonable !!!!" petty fighting. lol! Hopefully we resolved things a bit last night - but it will always just be a band aid fix. The best advice I've ever been given, and the advice I'd like to pass on - is "Keep it about the child. Don't let conversations stray past that." because it's damn good advice. It worked for nearly a year until I decided we were at place where I could joke with him (yesterday) and nearly caused world war 57 in the process. lol!

Hope this - and the info that google can help you find a US state employee's salary helps someone else. I hated getting my original court order with just estimates. Is where the moneygrabbing remarks stemmed from, and it's caused so many unnecessary fights.

For anyone reading this sitting where I was 5-6 years ago - Just remember, nothing is worth more than your childs happiness. Don't do something now out of anger that will be thrown back at you down the track. Is your child not having contact with their other parent worth an extra £50 a month? Don't get involved in petty fights. Don't brag! It's not worth it. By all means, use the courts, get REMO involved, BUT, keep it simple so you can always justify your actions- both to yourself and your child. Is advice I wish someone had given me, because God knows, I do have myself to blame - as well as him, for making it all far more complicated than it ever needed to be. An example - My original court order amount was accidentally set in £ instead of $. When I saw it, after the relief of the day, I wrote something that amounted to - "THIS is AMAZING! Hahaha! HOW Hilarious! I wish I could see his face when he finds out! THIS will teach him not to be so nasty!" - and of course, he found it. Of course by that point I'd been back to court and got the £ changed to a $ so the figure was fair before it was sent to REMO, because I knew he (then) had 2 other children to support and the amount I'd been awarded was unreasonable in £, but does he remember THAT PART 6-ish years on? Of course not. He just thinks I tried to - and very nearly accidentally did - screw him over. I live with the consequences of that stupid throw away comment every day, and for what? Nothing. I know it's tempting when you're hurt, but try and take the high road. That's the one that pays in the long run. x

fedupdad

I am glad that you got the result you wanted but I would just like to make the point that some NRP's, such as myself should not pay child maintenance.

Although I have offered it, I refuse to pay my ex any child maintenance after she abducted my children. As far as I am concerned she waived those rights as soon as she put the kids on the plane.

I will do everything I can to make sure she never gets a penny more from me. The money would not go on the kids in any case and she did not consider me when she abducted them.

I just wanted to make this point as sometimes there can be reasons for NRP's not paying child maintenance, we are not all dead beat dads.

EclipsedMind

fedupdad wrote: »

I will do everything I can to make sure she never gets a penny more from me. The money would not go on the kids in any case and she did not consider me when she abducted them.

I just wanted to make this point as sometimes there can be reasons for NRP's not paying child maintenance, we are not all dead beat dads.

Are you putting the money aside for the kids so that when they are free of the influence of your Ex and seek you out you can help them get settled in their adult lives? If not perhaps you should rethink the last sentence.

EM

fedupdad

EM,

One of the other reasons for putting my post up was to see the prejudice that still remains with some members of society.

Supporting children is not just about paying money.

I note that you made no comment about the wrongs of a mother abducting children but instead tried to point the finger back at me.

I will not make assumptions about your personal circumstances, however would you pay your ex if your children were abducted? I dont think you would and I dont think anyone would.

I accept that there are members of society that deserve to be hunted down to pay for there children through REMO but there are others who do not deserve to be.

twirlie

Fedupdad, I read your story yesterday. While I feel for you hugely, I think you're taking this very personally when it's not really relevant to your situation. I don't know where you are with prohibited steps order, but I feel exactly as you do. A child should have access to both parents. In an ideal world we'd all get on fabulously and a child would be supported in EVERY way by both parents. As we know though, it's not an ideal world. For me, child support had 2 purposes. Of course we needed the money, but it was also at the time, the only thing I COULD get from my son's Dad and I liked that even if everything stayed as bad as it was, I'd be able to say to him in future - "he might not have been around but at least he contributed towards xyz". I think a lot of us here focus so much on getting child support as its all we have left TO focus on as no other support is forthcoming.

I agree money is a poor substitute for time. I think EM was trying to say that in your circumstances perhaps you should consider paying 'child support' still - but just into a separate savings account instead of to NCP. That way you're not jeopardising your position legally re: abduction and you'll always have the moral high ground, and there will be funds available so you CAN travel to see your children, or give them a leg up financially in future of you're secure enough financially be able to afford both. I for one don't think yo53 a deadbeat dad and i think there's a lot more to being a deadbeat parent than money. Money is just sometimes all that's left when all other forms of support are non-existent. Xx

twirlie

Sorry, stupid iPhone!

fedupdad

Twirlie,

Thanks for your comment.

I already did have a prohibited steps order preventing their removal from the uk. She took them anyway.

I put my comments on here as I will soon be at the wrong end of the REMO process and frankly I feel it is wrong.

All cases should be treated on their merits. I have actually offered maintenance but she refused my offer and is now pursuing me through the courts. I will write a book at some point

twirlie

I'm probably being very nieve, however your whole story confuses me. Ireland and the UK are both part of the Hague Convention, so I find it distressing the systems in place for child abduction seem to have failed you so badly - especially given the short distances involved (comparatively, when you think most are properly 'international'!). If it is indeed so unfit for purpose, what stopped you going over there and just.. kidnapping them back while the UK was still their habitual residence?! I'm in no way suggesting this would have been the right thing to do, I would have followed the rules the same way you did - but it does beg the question of what she could have legally done in that scenario.

Of course for that scenario you would have had to have been given unsupervised access in the first place which is what I assume did not take place.

This is the part I personally find most infuriating in every access arrangement. My son's Dad calls me a control freak and all sorts, but fails to see that there really is TRUST needed on both sides. It's all well and good for someone to put themself in the position where they claim to be the injured party against the 'big bad wolf' of an ex-partner, however regardless of fault, blame or whatever has happened in the past, to move forward that big bad wolf still has to trust that the other parent is going to behave reasonably with the one person that is most precious to both of them - which is a very big undertaking when there's still so much spite, anger, rage and general unreasonable behaviour going on! None of the above paragraph is aimed at you - just.. situations in general. It's beginning to seem to me now that sometimes that's the hurdle that sometimes never gets overcome, which prevents any good intentions being implimented. And it's so sad.

(Can you tell our planned visit is not looking too promising atm?!)