Thinking of serperating frm my husband

Poppy9

One of my friends asked her OH to leave because she was unhappy. Her children were 12 and 9. She only worked part-time 3.5 days a week and had free childcare from her parents.

Financially she was in a real pickle. They had a £100k mortgage on a house worth £190k plus £20k of car loans. She was initially going to sell her house, split the proceeds and buy a new house. I told her no way should she sell up as after all the debts paid, plus selling fees she would £25-30k deposit and she wouldn't be able to get a smaller house in same area (school and work were local to her home). I advised her to speak with a solicitor and to come to an arrangement for her to remain in the house till OH was 18 and then split proceeds 60:40 in her favour as she was paying mortgage. They wiped out £10k of debt by cashing in some insurance policies. She now works full time to pay the mortgage plus her OH pays her maitenance even though the children are with him 2-3 nights a week. After struggling for a year her car had to be sold too.

I think she under estimated the impact on her children as they were older and very used to having both parents together.

bestpud

sunnyone wrote: »

Its very sad when any relationship breaks down, no one gets married thinking it will only for a few years, do they? When I got married I believed it was for life.

If you have decided to split then the best thing to do is try and keep it amicable, hes always going to be part of your life because you have children together,your relationship can change to just friendship, my ex husband is now a good friend.

Some children take the news better than others, you can help your children by always telling them the truth and make sure there school understands that your family is having a tough time so they can look out for any signs that your children need extra support. Counciling is available for children who take a family break up hard.

sunnyone

I know just what you mean. I feel very sad we could not make it work after 20 years being a couple but at the same time I know we were both unhappy. I too thought it was forever....

IMHO, it is not divorce per se that upsets children; it is more the way it is handled and I agree parents can do an awful lot to make things easier for them.

I appreciate this is more difficult for many (ex) couples though - I guess it depends on the reasons behind the split.

W130SN

I don't have any advice to give at this point , but wish you the best of luck.
Regards

James123_2

I've no direct experience of such matters, but do appreciate some of the difficulties involved.
The only thing that struck me is that doesn't the Law allow for the children to live in the family home with whomever has custody? The idea that the father might remain on his own and three children would be seeking a flat would seem improbable. I could, of course, be wrong.
Anyway, talk to CAB as a first measure. As I've said, I've no direct knowledge of the legalities or otherwise of separation. It's a huge step - I do see that.

alwaysonthego_2

The cab will be able to refer the op to a solicitors that offers a free half an hour session.

space_rider

Having been there and done that I would suggest you first try Relate. If that doesn`t work I would wait until your youngest is old enough to go to nursery and you can work more hours.

When I split from my husband he wouldn`t pay maintenance and the CSA were worse than useless. I increased my hours from 20, working only school hours when I had the girls but more hours when they were with their father 3 days a week.It wasn`t at all easy as they were only 5,8 and 10 and we were very short of money as I had a mortgage to pay.

We were/are amicable and always go to parents evenings and school plays together and can be civil enough to have a coffee at each others houses. One good thing is our daughters will never have to choose which one of us to have at a wedding. If I knew then what I know now we should really have put more effort into saving our marriage. Neither of us wanted it to get to the stage where we hated each other and I think we bailed out too quickly.

The girls are now 22, 20 and 17 and are happy well adjusted girls who all did fantastically well at GCSE`s etc. I`m sure if you asked them they would say they would have preferred to have had parents who lived together rather than having 2 homes.

athensgeorgia

I'd really like to thank everyone for their replys today. I've spoken to my husband and told him i've looked into leaving and it really shocked him (i think cause i told him on a normal day rather than in the heat of an argument). He said he really wants to try and sort it out and I told him most of the things that have hurt the relationship and he said he had no idea but he doesn't like the constant arguing either and is gonna try and not be so short tempered and aggressive. I've told him that just a few words aren't going to solve our problems overnight but to be aware there is a problem. I've also put a time limit on it (not sure if this wise) i said i need to see an improvement by the end of June, I'm not expecting everything to be sorted by then but if i see an improvement in 2 months i'm sure we can manage it better over time cause lets face it I am only 27 and i think we've done ok to last 11 years. I just hate the kids having to suffer and i also put that in too if he really cared for the girls he'd stop hurting them by arguing so much.

If anyone has anymore thoughts, i know not very benefitsy but i do appreciate other peoples opinions i'd like to hear it. I suppose just a bit of reassurance i'm doing the right thing. (The only friend i've confided in has said you'll never leave like its some sort of challenge/dare not my whole familys lives)

P.S I also thought i'd be able to get some money together by the end of June if he doesn't make the effort.

James123_2

Reading your posts, I think this is the best outcome available. It's very easy for total strangers to make judgements, but please don't put him on 'trial' and/or have a reserve escape plan. I think you should both talk, listen and learn from each other as to what's really going wrong. It's rarely entirely the fault of one or the other.
Anyway, MASSIVE apologies if I'm offending you. You've been open and honest, which is a tremendous start and I think that posting here might just have been a sort of therapy for you.
The above is merely my instinct which others will not necessarily agree with. I do sincerely wish you well.

Poppy9

Good for you. Perhaps you both should draw up a list of what you can do to make things better for you as a couple and family.

Can you get a babysitter or can the children stay with grandparents for the ocassional night. You don't have to go out, just have some space. You are both probably tired and stressed with 3 children, working and little real time for yourselves.

If your OH is short-tempered he's probably stressed too. Does he come home from work to the children jumping on him and everyone demanding his attention.

sunnyone

You have done the right thing, telling him that you cant live with the situation as it is/was when you are both calm and giving him the chance to "fix" your relationship.

Councilling may help or just ask for a babysitter so you can have time alone together to try and sort through your problems.

You will be safe in the knowlege that you have tried to mend your marrage what ever the outcome is and so will your children when they are older.

good luck, I wish you the best outcome for you and your children.

sunnyone