Mothers...what would you do?

poet123

We have been in a similar situation with a niece. My husband was asked to give her away in Mexico. We initially agreed,but as we are a family of 5,the total cost for 1 week was around 5000. This coupled with the fact that it was a beach based holiday on a complex,which we don't enjoy,and the clash of school holiday dates/A level exams meant we eventually had to regretfully say no. Weddings are the most important thing to the main parties,they are not the main thing in life for guests. We had to put our families needs first.

Had it been or son we would have course attended,but we can afford it,your MIL clearly cannot. If I were her I would be very hurt that my future DIL would go ahead with plans which could not include me. Suppose the tables were turned and your mum was ingle and in her position,and even after doing all she could to save,it was not within her reach,would you help her out,cancel your plans or go ahead anyway? Bearing in mind everyone is entitled to a few luxuries to make daily life bearable, and should not be expected to exist for 2 years to see a wedding.

abbecer

Sorry poet 123 I respect your opinion but I completely disagree. As a Mum you sacrifice for your children whatever their age. You should want your child to do what makes then happy and not what suits you best. It does sound as if she could make cutbacks to at least try to be there.Also her youngest would have the holiday of a lifetime. I would eat beans on toast for two years if it meant I could be there.

lynzpower

shellsuit wrote: »

I'd LOVE to get married abroad, but I wouldn't.

First reason is because I want my Dad to give me away and he won't fly.

Second reason is because I want our closest friends and family there and there is no way I could expect them to stump up to pay to attend something WE have chosen.

If you OHs Mum can't afford it, then she can't afford it. Don't say well she can afford to smoke etc, it's upto her what she spends her money on.

She's a single Mum too, so it's not just herself she would have to pay for is it, she has a 6 yo son, so she would have to pay for him too - 2 years isn't a lot of time to save for something like that.

I totally agree that this is "a tough one".

I have been in the position of
a) looking for holidays to florida
b) giving up smoking

Over the last few weeks.

for me & OH to stay in a basic in kissimmee is around 400 quid inc flights.

OH and I have given up smoking and we have saved £400 in 5 weeks.

I dont think the issue of "wasting annual leave" applies - as the OPs MIL is on benefits and doenst work, so there is nothing to take time off from.

Many years ago my father said to me," if you smoke and are a parent, you are inadvertently neglecting your children, even if you can afford it, you neglect putting them first, and they need thier parent to be healthy and you can never guarntee you will always be there for them if you smoke" . I never thought Id agree with him ( he is very black & white on smoking having gave up himself shortly after I was born) but I do. Someone on another part of this board mentioned that if a couple gave up smoking then the 4grand a year they save can almost pay for a years school fees in a middling private school.

Maybe this isnt about the smoking, any moneysaver knows the odd bottle of wine wont be missed, we can slice back our spendings and find untold riches.

I owuld be really disappointed if my mum wouldnt give up any luxuries to see me get wed, my own parents would move heaven and earth to be wherever I wanted them to be, albeit I dont tihnk we would ever get wed abroad as we kjust have too big a circle of freinds, that wouldnt be able to make it.

I feel sorry for the brother, he wont be able to go as mum cant reign in spending on herself and fripperies for him that he probably has forgotten.... thats really sad IMO. I went to disney as a child and it will stay with me forever, it is a wonderful place for children- and adults!

poet123

Maybe because of your experiences you see this from a different perspective than I do. Of course,I would do my best to attend,but ultimately I still think that to arrange a wedding without thinking about whether all those close the brdie and groom can attend without hardship, is a bit selfish. It is not something I or my DH would have done,and hopefully it is not something my sons future wives will do. However,as you say we are all different so maybe I am the one out of step here!

I do agree that the young brother would enjoy it though,and looking at it from that angle may be the way to encourage the mum to save. If it was me though,I would offer to pay for the child,or Disney tickets,to show I was helping,and give vouchers for Xmas etc to help with the cost.

abbecer

I can see both sides of the argument. They want their dream wedding and everyone there. Mum doesn't want to do without for two years. I think both sides have to ultimately do what is right for them but have to respect the others decision with no blame.

Swans1912

poet123 wrote: »

We have been in a similar situation with a niece. My husband was asked to give her away in Mexico. We initially agreed,but as we are a family of 5,the total cost for 1 week was around 5000. This coupled with the fact that it was a beach based holiday on a complex,which we don't enjoy,and the clash of school holiday dates/A level exams meant we eventually had to regretfully say no. Weddings are the most important thing to the main parties,they are not the main thing in life for guests. We had to put our families needs first.

Had it been or son we would have course attended,but we can afford it,your MIL clearly cannot. If I were her I would be very hurt that my future DIL would go ahead with plans which could not include me. Suppose the tables were turned and your mum was ingle and in her position,and even after doing all she could to save,it was not within her reach,would you help her out,cancel your plans or go ahead anyway? Bearing in mind everyone is entitled to a few luxuries to make daily life bearable, and should not be expected to exist for 2 years to see a wedding.

I'm quite willing to help out in terms of gifting dollars/vouchers as presents for special occasions for everyone invited regardless of whether its mine or my DF's family. If worst came to the worst and everyone decided they didn't want to come (they wont decide to do this, but just using as an example) then DF and I would go it alone for the wedding WE want. IMHO a wedding is about the couple doing what they want to, not what the couple's family want them to do (i.e a ceremony at the local church - DF and I are not particularly religious so don't want to do this) if we based our wedding plans on what everyone in the family wanted to do, then no-one would be happy because everyone has different ideas and would have different expectations. I don't think it's being selfish having the wedding we want, especially as we are the ones paying for it, if our invited guests want to come, thats great, if they cant go, then thats a shame but we will still have the wedding we want and will have a great day as its about US getting wed.

poet123

That is of course your decision. Where we differ I suspect is the perception that a wedding is just about the Bride and Groom.

To me,and to my family,it is much more than that,it is a family celebration and the chance to watch two of our family members express their love and committment to each other. If they wanted to have their own private nuptials abroad that would be a disappointment to many family members who could not be present.

I cannot imagine any of my kids going off and getting married without close family present. I suppose it depends on whether you are a close family or not. Each to their own.

Swans1912

poet123 wrote: »

That is of course your decision. Where we differ I suspect is the perception that a wedding is just about the Bride and Groom.

To me,and to my family,it is much more than that,it is a family celebration and the chance to watch two of our family members express their love and committment to each other. If they wanted to have their own private nuptials abroad that would be a disappointment to many family members who could not be present.

I cannot imagine any of my kids going off and getting married without close family present. I suppose it depends on whether you are a close family or not. Each to their own.

Well the family have been invited, its not as if we have decided nobody is to come or anything, they do have a choice as to whether or not they would like to/are able to attend.

poet123

Of course they have a choice,but sometimes it is not just about choice. For example my niece(another one)would have liked to be married in Italy,but her Father cannot fly,and her Grandmother was terminally ill and could not have atended. So, rather than have her wedding in the place she would really have liked, she chose to have it where the people she loved most could attend.

Weddings are about people,not places.

My inital point was that if your own mother could not attend for whatever reason would you still go ahead as you intend to do without MIL. You said that you would,so that is OK,you are treating both sides fairly.....as long as you are being honest about it,even to yourself.

As I said,we are all different and have different perspectives.

Spendless

I got round this problem by having a blessing afterwards to which friends and family were invited. It wasn't expensive as we already had our clothes, didn't have a special car, and photos were just family taken ones. My nan made a cake for the buffet we had back at one of our parent's houses, most expense was the evening do.