Mothers...what would you do?

Swans1912

Hi all,
I sat down with my partner last night and we agreed that if we are quite careful with cash we can manage to get married in 2011 so I can have the wedding I've always dreamed of. Ever since my first trip to Disneyworld in Florida when i was 5 years old I was mesmerised by a bride having her wedding at this fabulous wedding pavillion on the resort so when my DF proposed that was my first thought (after saying yes of course!) my DF loved the idea and to this day he is still excited over the idea.
We got engaged just over a year ago and when we told DF's mother about where we wanted to get married she said "Oh well I won't be able to go then" She's a single mum on benefits so I understand that getting out there wouldn't be as easy for her as it would be for our other family, but DF and I assured her at the time that we wouldn't be getting married for a few years so she would have time to save. Now that we've decided on 2011 she still says she won't be able to go - now this would be fine were it not for the fact that she smokes 20 cigarettes per day and goes out every saturday night aswell as having numerous bottles of wine through the week. Also at xmas she went completely overboard in buying presents for DF's 6 yo brother (nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, numerous games and enough toys for about 3 kids - how many consoles can the kid play at once? ).

Now DF and I do not drink nor smoke so we are kinda biased in our opinion that if she quit drinking and smoking to the extent that she does then she could easily afford to attend her eldest son's wedding. It really hurts my DF to think that his mother won't be able to come to his wedding, but he knows that it is ultimately up to her to save up and make an effort if she wants to be there. Please could you offer your thoughts? What would you do if it were your child getting married and you were in that position? All opinions welcome.

kelda_shelton

I guess you could try to accomodate her by saying that you'll go some way to help her with the costs - eie you pay 3/4 and we'll pay a quarter...

Like you say she has over 2 years.

Also - yu could tell her that her wedding present to you is her being there and that she does not need to buy an additional present - also could part of the costs for the holday be covered under xmas presents.

ie - if your OH's brother is 6 - he'll be 8 then and still love the idea of Disney. her Xmas present to him on the nearest xmas could be the holiday to Disneyworld..

Also maybe all the enxt xmas and birthdays and mothers days she has - you give her some thomas cook ouchers or whatever towards the holiday or $$ which she can use while she's there?

I think its maybe about offering her ways round the situation and show you're willing to help. But making sure she also does the same thing.

My Mum is a pensioner on state pension, and by hook or by crook she'd be there - whether it meant having the heating one notch lower or whatrever. She's insisted on paying for my wedding cake (I was happy to buy from M&S) and at least part of my photographer - which I feel terrible about but she is insisting.

Swans1912

thats a really good idea about presents and vouchers for special occassions, i'd never have thought of that! Thanks!

I agree - if it were my mum she would do everything in her power to be there for my big day

I'm not going to pay a percentage of the total cost for her to go because other people in both sides of the family are putting £X amount per week away (even his Grandparents on his dads side who are on a state pension) and if we do it for her we will have to do it for other people too which we can't afford.

lindaatno9

Well, as a mum, if my daughter wanted to go abroad to get married, I guess I'd be a little sad, yes, but the bottom line it's her day. I'm not a lover of family politics concerning weddings so we went off and did it our way, because it's us who are getting married.
I think you have to try to be accomodationg but remembering it's your day which is the most important.

debs2327

hi ya i feel the same about my sister i live 200 mile away from and as shes 1 of my 7 bridesmaids i need her to travel down to try her dress on , but shes always crying poverty but manages to smoke about 20 a day and her hubby drinks wiskey during the week and he seems to be able to afford to take sick day here and there all time , as ive paid for her dress + her 2 lads pageboys suits (unknown to mil as she thinks my sis has payed for them as all the others have bought there own too ) i didnt want to feel embarassed of my family not coughing up , cos my h2b`s family couldnt do anymore to help , ive decided to keep my mouth shut and not let it ruin my planning but i do have the little digs in when i talk to her but will have it out after the wedding,, sorry it s long post hope you get sorted and you make sure you have the day you want !!

kelda_shelton

Well, Ikennet - I can see why you wouldn't offer to to her if you'd have to do it for all - perfectly understandable.

But I guess the special occasions gift is a good meet in the middle suggestion and the no wedding present rule. You could extend that to grandparents etc too to help them out

Hey you have your xmas shopping for half the family sorted now! One trip to thomas cook to get vouchers and $$ and you're sorted!

The other suggestion is you help her in finding the cheapest possible deal to get there - you could ask other MSE forum users to help you with that if you're not an expert in finding deals.

And make sure you choose a hotel or area where people will be staying that is accessible for all to afford. I know that sometimes people will feel like they need to stay in the same hotel as you even if its more pricey than they'd hoped.

Also if you book your holiday as a group you might get great group discounts?

flea72

you cannot decree how someone else spends their money, so if they would rather spend it on fags, than on going to your wedding thats their choice

Much in the same way, you have chosen to have your wedding abroad, but have then told people they have to pay their own way to get there. Either you save the money to pay for the guests you want to be there, or you make other plans

They have allocated their own money towards fags, you need to allocate your money to a wedding for all the family

But tbh, 2yrs is nowhere near enough for someone to save to go to Disneyworld, espec if they are on benfits. Even saving £100 a month for 2yrs, would not be enough money to get a family to the US, hotel, food, spends, etc., and i would doubt somone on benefits even had £100 spare to save

You say its gonna take you two years of being really tight, to get your dream wedding. well other people, have other dreams, so why should they put their financial life on hold, because of your 'disney' dream

What if someone else invites you to their wedding next year, abroad. will you stump at the cash without a murmor, or decide you have better priorities for your money?

Flea

veruccasalt

I can see that there are lots of sides to this dilemma, and can see so many different points of view.

WHat about trying to get an idea of the cost, as perhaps your MIL to be thinks it is going to be really expensive and she will have no way of saving the money. Perhaps when you can see the likely cost, she can work out how much she would need to save per week or month, and she can see a way to do that. Perhaps even a 'totaliser', sort of Blue Peter thing?

But I do agree with others that at the end of the day, while she might not want to miss her son's wedding, she might have other priorities for her money for the next two years?

The other thing you could consider would be to have your wedding here in this country so that everyone can attend simply, and have your honeymoon in Florida? You can still do loads of fun things as a couple, and book some special events-Disney are very good at taking your money!

Because to be honest, you probably are asking a lot of people, in time and money, to attend your dream wedding.

Can I also recommend you look at a website called mousesavers.com:

http://www.mousesavers.com/ and a related site called http://www.mouseweddings.com/

You should find lots of ideas for money saving.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.

Swans1912

flea72 wrote: »

you cannot decree how someone else spends their money, so if they would rather spend it on fags, than on going to your wedding thats their choice

Much in the same way, you have chosen to have your wedding abroad, but have then told people they have to pay their own way to get there. Either you save the money to pay for the guests you want to be there, or you make other plans

They have allocated their own money towards fags, you need to allocate your money to a wedding for all the family

But tbh, 2yrs is nowhere near enough for someone to save to go to Disneyworld, espec if they are on benfits. Even saving £100 a month for 2yrs, would not be enough money to get a family to the US, hotel, food, spends, etc., and i would doubt somone on benefits even had £100 spare to save

You say its gonna take you two years of being really tight, to get your dream wedding. well other people, have other dreams, so why should they put their financial life on hold, because of your 'disney' dream

What if someone else invites you to their wedding next year, abroad. will you stump at the cash without a murmor, or decide you have better priorities for your money?

Flea

Thank you for your comments. OH and I are going to disneyworld this august for a holiday. Flights, transfers and accomodation totalling £1100. So i don't think its impossible for her to save up especially the way she blows her money. I'm not saying what she should or shouldn't do but it does seem odd that a mother wouldnt even attempt to do anything to see her son get married. I didn't say we have to be tight to afford the wedding, OH and I earn a good income and having out disney wedding means a few cut backs, nothing heavy. Everyone is very happy to pay go get to the wedding apart from her. We wouldnt mind if there was just a little bit of effort being made, but there is not - which again I find very odd for a mother to do.

We will be having the wedding that we want and will NOT be paying for our guests to travel, especially when drink and fags take priority. She would have had THREE years to save had she started when we announced our engagement.

Either you save the money to pay for the guests you want to be there, or you make other plans

They have allocated their own money towards fags, you need to allocate your money to a wedding for all the family

- where i do appreciate your comments, i completely disagree with this one. If she doesn't make an effort, she will not be coming, simple as. We are not changing our plans to suit her selfish lifestyle. And I cannot believe you are suggesting I pay for my whole family.

Swans1912

veruccasalt wrote: »

I can see that there are lots of sides to this dilemma, and can see so many different points of view.

WHat about trying to get an idea of the cost, as perhaps your MIL to be thinks it is going to be really expensive and she will have no way of saving the money. Perhaps when you can see the likely cost, she can work out how much she would need to save per week or month, and she can see a way to do that. Perhaps even a 'totaliser', sort of Blue Peter thing?

But I do agree with others that at the end of the day, while she might not want to miss her son's wedding, she might have other priorities for her money for the next two years?

The other thing you could consider would be to have your wedding here in this country so that everyone can attend simply, and have your honeymoon in Florida? You can still do loads of fun things as a couple, and book some special events-Disney are very good at taking your money!

Because to be honest, you probably are asking a lot of people, in time and money, to attend your dream wedding.

Can I also recommend you look at a website called mousesavers.com:

http://www.mousesavers.com/ and a related site called http://www.mouseweddings.com/

You should find lots of ideas for money saving.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.

I completely agree with you, its just a shame that these priorities are booze and fags. This is why I wanted to ask for everyones unbiased opinions.
Everyone else I have invited are happy to pay to travel and do not feel that is a lot to ask

debs2327

i agree with the quote of they can spend there money where they want but if they really want to go to the wedding then they themselves will make sacrifices !! if not then its obvious the other things in there life is more important , as for the quote of
"
They have allocated their own money towards fags, you need to allocate your money to a wedding for all the family"

i think thats wrong cos any bride has the right to have her wedding where ever she chooses whether its abroad or in her own back garden !!!!!!!!!! SHE SHOULD NOT ALLOCATE HER MONEY FOR A WEDDING FOR HER FAMILY , ITS FOR HER AND HER H2B !!!! she gave them plenty of time to organise things and money if they would like to be there