Support for people with Depression

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
Here we go then, on with Part 10 proper, in an effort to explain how it came to pass that the Tiffster was unable to tiff.....

''The Tiff Chronicles ~ Part 10.''

And so X and niece, Y and sil, and I went through everything in Mum's flat the next morning. It was so cruel, to walk through that door and see her recliner, her teapot, her walking sticks - it cut me to the bone. There were layers of her life everywhere - just left as though she'd popped out for a while.
Now I've always been very sensitive to atmospheres - the infamous and ever faithful Tiffy radar! There was a lot of tension crackling in the air. I didn't know why it was there but it was coming from my sister towards me. I thought maybe I was just being over-sensitive, but I can't deny that it had been there at odd points through Mum's hospital stay too. Mum and I often talked over the phone and within the previous year, Mum and I had talked about family relationships and I'd said in more than one conversation, 'When you go to heaven, I'm coming with you - you're not leaving me here with this lot! You're the only left who really loves me - I'll be left all on my own.'' This was quite jovially said, but as happens a lot with such dark humour, there was an element of truth in it. It was truly how I felt.
Mum said, ''No you're not! You're not coming with me - of course they love you! Your sister and brother both really do love you!''. And I'd say, ''I know.''
But sometimes, sometimes you just know that your intuition, your gut feeling, is not misleading you.

We were all still in shock and people have their own way of dealing with grief. Knowing this, I tried to concentrate on the job at hand. We started to sort and bag things up. My sister (X), was snappy with me and moody. I left X, my brother, Y, and my niece in Mum's bedroom and I went out to the lounge because I felt uncomfortable and I didn't want any kind of upset. Suddenly they all called my name from the bedroom and then came through to the lounge holding a gift bag. Inside was the 1/4 carat diamond ring that I'd bought Mum for her 70th birthday the year before. She'd loved that ring so much. I'd bought it for her 70th birthday and told her at her party when I gave it to her, that she was the diamond in my life and that after all the struggling in her life, all she'd done for us, she deserved the beauty of a diamond if anyone ever did, and that it was from the three of us children, even though I hadn't actually involved my siblings. And Mum had cried - she'd never had anything much, but it was the sentiment of the gift that was so very precious to her. Mum never got to wear it because it just vanished within a couple of days - she was so upset because she thought she'd lost it. X and Y had looked for it in the weeks afterwards her but couldn't find it. And in the end, it had been there all along. This again seemed so cruel, that what was this little treasure to her, had been denied her.

It came to the point where things needed dividing. I asked whether Y would mind if I had Mum's sofa, her old recliner, (which had come to Mum after Dad passed), and a chest of bedroom drawers. Y said he didn't need anything as he and sil had set up home over a year before and that he wasn't sure what was happening and that I'd have to ask X. I thought it odd that he said it that way. Of course I had every intention of asking my sister too - why wouldn't I? I repeated my request when X, sil and niece came through. My brother then said that X and niece were having Mum's cooker, washing machine, bed, fridge freezer, kettle etc. Most of those things were going to my niece who had 2 young children and a fiance, (and we really won't go there!), which was reasonable I suppose. I asked X about the three items of furniture and whether she minded and got a short, ''No.'' The atmosphere was horrible - X looked ready to explode and to this day, I don't know why. I was upset because these agreements were made without even involving me. It wasn't about who got what, it was about being included in the discussion. I asked about Mum's TV and Y said X was having that.

Surprised, I said something like, ''The television too? When was all this decided?''
X said in a loud, nasty tone of voice, ''Let her have it!''
''No, it's fine.'' I replied. I tried to reason that my problem wasn't with the TV or other items but that I was left out of conversations, that I wasn't being consulted. I wasn't arguing over a stupid TV - or even arguing at all!
''Have it!'' she shouted. I ignored X and said I'd hire ''a man with a van'' to bring the three items to my house the next day and turned to my sil and asked her to drive me home. I was furious, deeply hurt. I needed to get out before I said exactly what I was thinking because that would really have caused X to explode and I didn't think it was right to do that in Mum's flat and with the others there too. I was furious with myself too because why shoiuldn't I be the one to speak her mind? What gave her the claim to that right? Why did I have to be the sensitive, reasonable one, the peacekeeper? These feelings weren't just down to grief at losing my Mum the day before and my hackles were well and truly up. I don't know how I got out of there without educating X as to exactly what I thought of the way she behaved in life but it wasn't the time for home truths. X has had a very hard life, there's no denying that. But when her problems flared up or repeated themselves, they were always mini crises &dramas - nothing was ever just a problem, iykwim? And you do get to the stage and realise that sometimes, people can't be helped because they won't ever see changing themselves as being part of the answer.

My sil and I got in the car. I was holding back tears. I asked sil what X's problem was, if I had done something wrong and when had those decisions been made? She made a comment along the lines of, ''I don't really know to be honest. It'll be all right, you know how X gets.''
And that's when I spoke my mind, saying some of the above, that I'd lost my Mum as well and how X was always such a drama queen and I was fed up of her thoughtlessness. My sil then said something that shook me to the core.
''Well you're both drama queens really - you're both that way, you're as bad as each other for that.''
I was stunned! I've always gotten on well with sil and she knew my history. She's an only child and apart from her gap year, uni, holidays and a good job, she hadn't been out of the local area for long nor had much real life experience. She could be an immature and ditzy then 32 year old at times and that can translate easily into her sounding patronising. All these things sil has even said about herself. I still cared for her deeply and she was always saying she felt close to me, that I was very wise. (I know - go figure, right?! )
I couldn't believe what she'd said and this was one sleeping d-o-g that I wasn't going to let lie. I said she was way out of line and then reminded her that I'd been the victim of a !!!!!phile, severely bullied, a victim of an attempted rape as an adult and went through a successful prosecution, nursing my husband through cancer overseas after being told that there wasn't anything to be done (thank God there was!), about being held hostage and nearly dying, being subjected to domestic violence which resulted in the end of my 14 year relationship with hubby, my two breakdowns, fighting to protect DS, my physical and mental health problems and becoming disabled! I finished with, ''Now forgive me if I'm wrong, and maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but knowing all this, how the hell can you say that I'm a drama queen? I never talk about it!''
She apologized. I knew it was a token effort to smooth things over, but I accepted her apology. What saddened me most was the realisation that I really didn't know her at all -how could she think of me like that?! I felt that I couldn't really trust her sincerity any more. Another someone I'd thought of as someone to grow close to, gone from me.
I got in the house and cried long and hard because this was all so unfair, so confusing - I hadn't done anything to X and I was deeply hurt by what sil had said.

On the Sunday, the others were at Mum's house finishing off the clearance. I was waiting for the man to deliver the 3 items, as we'd all agreed and confirmed that morning. I'd got the £25 ready for him and made room for the three items. The van arrived and the men asked me where I wanted everything to go. I pointed the way as the three items came in. They'd gone back to the van and emerged with Mum's TV and stand. I said I wasn't expecting it and asked if they sure it was to come to me. They said yes, that they'd just picked up everything they were given. I thought that I'd just sort it out with X and Y later on. But what I didn't expect was the stream of bin bags that followed full of Mum's things, and her crockery, all Mum's clothing and underwear, all her notes and documents from over the years and her now useless medication. They'd even sent her cleaning products! You couldn't see the floor in my dining room or my sitting room after they'd finished bringing the bin bags in and stacking them. I was so angry that X and Y did this without consulting me. Then the man said the price was higher because of all the extras and charged me £60! Thank God I'd got my week's food money in the house!
After they'd gone, I called my brother to ask what was going on. Y and sil were both full time workers in a 2 bedroom house with a garage, a shed and two cars and X was on benefits, lived in a 2 bedroom house just a 10 minute walk away from Mum's house and she also had a shed. My house was still holding some of my Dad's stuff that got dumped on me to sort as they'd both nowhere to put it. I already had some bags of Mum's things from when she downsized from a 3 bedroom house to her sheltered council flat five years before, bless her. They'd decided that as these guys had a van, it was the best way to move everything out quickly, make it easier on everyone. They never asked me or warned me and they didn't even think of me facing extra costs and whether I had the money, being on benefits. My brother shouted down the phone at me, saying I was being unreasonable, that he hadn't known they'd charge more and I should have said. I hung up in tears - I couldn't believe it! How could I have said something about it when I didn't even know it was going to happen. I sat down and cried because again this was all so unfair, now Mum's things were lying all through the house in heaps of bags which was beyond distressing and I couldn't afford that £60. Y called me back about 15 minutes later and apologised, saying he hadn't known, that he hadn't thought it would be a problem, he was in the wrong and they should have checked with me. There was no offer from X or Y though to contribute towards the costs I'd paid. Y said he'd phone when he'd booked the appointment with the undertaker and we'd all get together to arrange Mum's funeral, just as we had for my Dad.

I lay down on the sofa with my coat on, trying to make sense of the last three days, crying because I couldn't make sense of it all.
And the hardest thing of all, was the realisation that I had no-one to turn to: I was completely alone.

Anyone understand any of that?!
Right, I can hear snoring at the back so I'll show some mercy and take a catnip break for now and post more of Part 10 later, okay? Sorry, I've hogged the thread again, guys!
Now where'd I put that stash of catnip and smarties?.......SAZZY!

Be kind to yourself, guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi guys!
How could I forget...




Be kind to yourself guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

sock-knitter

morning tiff, (((big hugs))), dont really know what to say, just that you are in my thoughts and also my prayers
certainly puts my problems in to perspective
shaz xxx

UnluckyT

hugs and good luck to those that need it, hope everyone okay.
Oh Tiff im really sorry to hear the trouble you've been through, unsure what to say than hang on in thier, your im my thoughts, good luck and lots of big hugs.
its a !!!!!! when your family like that, i thought mine bad enough to not want to help me not be sat in on my own christmas day but?

Miroslav

Tiff's chronicles are back!

I hope things have picked up for you since you posted all of that Tiff :kisses3:

Good to hear the Op went well UnluckyT - hopefully your luck is turning!

I've told my estranged family who do tend to give gifts at Christmas, not to this year as I won't be due to rising costs elsewhere (cost of living is high and although girlfriend and flatmate say they want to help me, i'd feel awkward) and not really enjoying Christmas.

I thought i'd put a stop to the 'token gifts' now rather than later. I've wanted to do it for years. I'll continue to buy nephews and nieces gifts, but not for the adults and I won't accept any in return. If they feel they want to give me anything (I doubt it) then to donate money to the charity of their choice on my behalf.

I've not had any replies yet 4 days and counting. I think I may be unpopular - again

Only girlfriend and flatmate out of any adults will get gifts.

I'm not asking if i've made the right decision as my decision is final, but what do people think about token gifts and feeling as if they have to buy certain people gifts? I've made a step away from it (Since turning 35 i've found more confidence or is it that I have a newish lady?) and i'm no longer happy to just go along with things to keep the peace.

LadyMorticia

Oh Tiff. I can't even imagine how you must have felt and I really don't know what to say. I've missed you immensely around these parts.:grouphug:

UnluckyT

hi all. hugs to those that need it and good luck.
much the same here and plodding on the best i can. dyslexia test being sorted at the moment through work and still stugling with money and the cycles of depressive tendancies i seem to have, but hoping that bieng persistant as well as standing my ground/up for myself will work. plus trying to lose some weight, excercise plus try to eat healther will help, plus doing journaling to help ease what on my mind. plus been considering what hobbies i can do cheap to keep myself occupied.
good idea miroslav, i only do mum, sis, my youngest cousin till shes 16 and my cousins two plus an aunt but we only buy a couple of £1 scratch cards for each other and put them in christmas cards.
the same goes for birthdays too, although i must cut right back with mum and sister as ive gone a bit ott for them and i feel with the way they tend to be with me and what they buy me i am spoiling them.
i only do £5 (either gift voucher or money) for my youngest cousin and cousins 2 as it was the rule set for us as children and more of a token gesture.

Miroslav

UnluckyT wrote: »

hi all. hugs to those that need it and good luck.
much the same here and plodding on the best i can. dyslexia test being sorted at the moment through work and still stugling with money and the cycles of depressive tendancies i seem to have, but hoping that bieng persistant as well as standing my ground/up for myself will work. plus trying to lose some weight, excercise plus try to eat healther will help, plus doing journaling to help ease what on my mind. plus been considering what hobbies i can do cheap to keep myself occupied.
good idea miroslav, i only do mum, sis, my youngest cousin till shes 16 and my cousins two plus an aunt but we only buy a couple of £1 scratch cards for each other and put them in christmas cards.
the same goes for birthdays too, although i must cut right back with mum and sister as ive gone a bit ott for them and i feel with the way they tend to be with me and what they buy me i am spoiling them.
i only do £5 (either gift voucher or money) for my youngest cousin and cousins 2 as it was the rule set for us as children and more of a token gesture.

Things to do on the cheap can be hard to find. Can you walk much? Are their any Country Parks near you? If i'm not at the gym i'm walking alot these days, at least until the bad weather kicks in.

I'm continuing to buy nephews and nieces things but I just won't bother with adults apart from girlfriend and flatmate. I don't see 'family' often - once a year/two years in some cases.

I've still had no replies. I don't think anyone is impressed

UnluckyT

hello all, hope everything on the up or will pick up for you soon.
hi miroslave and thanks,i can walk, their is a few green chain walks as well as some green spaces around in the form of a park and a park like area round the corner. worth looking into and doing.
it, if im honest, just that im lazy and need to motivate myself to move, keep it going and do what i can to get out. used to enjoy going for a walk and probably could do with pottering around the garden more.
as much as my family is my family, and have feelings for them, i find it best to keep my distance more oftern than not as some of them will take advantage of my good nature plus inclinded to be nasty, backstabbing etc.

keithing-ger

Does anyone who takes Citalopram know if you can take Kalms at the same time? Cant find advice online and dont want to waste doctors time by making an appointment to ask.

Also this is my second time on Citalopram, just started this week, after suffering depression in 2007/08. All usual side effects are back, nothing major but noticed grinding my teeth a lot. Does anyone else get this?

Thanks