Single and in Debt Part II

sarahb123_3

gwen80 wrote: »

To be fair, I didn't do much to be appreciated. However, I've been having a bit of a think and if I'm honest, I didn't feel like I could be myself with him. I come with quite a bit of baggage, I know that and he couldn't handle it. I knew he couldn't so I kept quiet and tried to get on with things, but I guess if it'd been right, I should have felt able to open up to him and feel that I'd be accepted for who I am. Having said that he's going through a divorce and has enough on his plate without some crazy girlfriend, who needs to be accepted blah, blah, blah...

Aww Gen, I hope you are okay, it's always rubbish when something like that happens. The only think I can think of it that life works in mysterious ways as we have been saying over the last couple of days and try not to lose heart. You don't know what is around the corner. In the meantime I second chocolate strawberries and shoes and I add underwear to the list.;)

Buffythedebtslayer

sarahb123 wrote: »

Gah! Why did I read that? She's got a fair point. A horrible one but a fair one.

Yeah I did think about not posting it! :o sorry.

But I am not bloody settling. Sperm bank here I come!

sarahb123_3

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

But I am not bloody settling. Sperm bank here I come!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I have been thinking recently that I could go that route if all else fails, but really, if I had a choice between settling and a sperm bank I do think I would go for settling. I suppose it depends on what you are prepared to settle for.

RosaBernicia

Hmmmm. I can't help noticing that she doesn't mention anybody else's feelings throughout the article. Wonder how Mr Journalist feels at being announced to the world as Mr Not Quite Good Enough.

'Settling' seems to me a horrible expression to use about someone you share your life with. I can't help thinking that if I actually met someone who said 'I live with this person but tell everyone how he's not really good enough for me', they wouldn't be heading for my list of fabulous friends.

In a way she makes a similar point to the Robert Johnson book, that we are fixated on romantic love as the only point to our lives and funnily enough we get let down. But I much prefer his approach, as he points out that there are plenty of other valuable things in life, and different kinds of love. (Fab book, have been thinking lots about it the last few days.)

Sorry, seem to have got rather philosophical there...

Rosa xx

gwen80

I opened the article, but I think I might save reading it for tomorrow. Really not sure it's what I need to hear right now. Am more gutted than I expected to be really. Have done lots of moping though, eaten 2 bowls of crunchy nut cornflakes and am drinking a can of Stella (I really have no idea why he dumped me?!) and off to bed soon. I did resist the temptation to put Bridget Jones on though, so that's something.

I think it's just the disappointment more than anything. You start thinking ahead, even just slightly. What will we do this week? I could go do that with him or this or the other and start making (albeit) small plans for the future. Now I've got lots of nights in on my own to look forward to - yippee!! He also said something which really riled me...he said 'You're a lovely girl...' Grrr, then why are you bl00dy dumping me?? It is probably for the best though, I think we both have too much going on and I didn't ever feel like I could fully be myself with him. That's not good, but it was really nice to have someone to call/text and make plans with. Kisses and cuddles were good too...grrr, just need to find the right one - if he's out there.

Gwenx

Hollyberry

gwen80 wrote: »

To be fair, I didn't do much to be appreciated. However, I've been having a bit of a think and if I'm honest, I didn't feel like I could be myself with him. I come with quite a bit of baggage, I know that and he couldn't handle it. I knew he couldn't so I kept quiet and tried to get on with things, but I guess if it'd been right, I should have felt able to open up to him and feel that I'd be accepted for who I am. Having said that he's going through a divorce and has enough on his plate without some crazy girlfriend, who needs to be accepted blah, blah, blah...

Gwen - I am so sorry. I think you've hit on something really important when you say that you couldn't be yourself with him. That tells me that you have a good understanding of what you need from a relationship. Being accepted for who you are is an entirely reasonable request...and to me this is sounding less like being dumped and something of a mutual decision. Not that it makes it feel any less carp, of course, and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you.

Take care of yourself, won't you. We do have a vast and virtual supply of pampering, support, chocolate and vodka/wine as needed.

gwen80

You're right, HollyBerry. I've known for a while that I come with a lot of baggage, more than a lot of people my age anyway. Not kids or previous marriages, but other stuff. Poor health in the family, a family who need me to be there for them and who rely on me. He was 5 years older than me, was going through a divorce and has a child. I had thought that maybe being a bit older and having his own 'baggage' if you like, he might understand a bit more, but I think he was really looking for somebody with a simple and straightforward life. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised though because it seems most blokes I meet just want somebody with no complications. I had been reading Taye's thread regularly on the 'relationships/marriages' or whatever you call it board. It struck a chord with me (and a lot of other people it seems), not because I have had the same experiences as her, but because I too was looking for somebody to accept me with my problems. To see me as being worthwhile despite these things. Worth the time and effort to work them out.

I know I need somebody who accepts me and the baggage I come with and to be honest, I really want somebody who adores me. I've realised that. I don't want somebody who worships the ground I walk on, but somebody who loves all my good/great qualities so much that my faults fade into insignificance and for me to feel the same way about them. I guess that wasn't him, although I had started to like him a lot, probably more than I'd even admitted to myself.

Gwenx

sarahb123_3

gwen80 wrote: »

I think it's just the disappointment more than anything. You start thinking ahead, even just slightly. What will we do this week? I could go do that with him or this or the other and start making (albeit) small plans for the future. Now I've got lots of nights in on my own to look forward to - yippee!! He also said something which really riled me...he said 'You're a lovely girl...' Grrr, then why are you bl00dy dumping me?? It is probably for the best though, I think we both have too much going on and I didn't ever feel like I could fully be myself with him. That's not good, but it was really nice to have someone to call/text and make plans with. Kisses and cuddles were good too...grrr, just need to find the right one - if he's out there.

Gwen, I know totally what you mean, you do start making small plans and it's entirely reasonable to do that, understand what you mean about the texting, I really do miss that. That would be one of the worst bits about settling I think, missing out on having a huge silly grin on your face because he has texted you.

If it wasn't going to work I guess it is best to find out early, not much comfort I know, but now you are free to meet the right one -and he is out there. We just have to find them!

Buffythedebtslayer

Gwen the whole making plans thing. can you make plans however much you do not feel like it, but can you make plans with your friends? go out this friday or Saturday perhaps?

Its feels crap - when I finally dumped the not bf in Jan I felt awful but keep the faith, whats for you won't go past you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

gwen80

Hi

I could make plans for this weekend, but I've just had a very busy/expensive couple of weekends. I'm meeting up with a friend the weekend after and I'll see if I can sort something out for mid-week either this week or next.

Oh well, I won't be needing fancy underwear any time soon, so that should save me some money. I need to work hard on my finances and take up some hobbies, see what fit men I can meet there. I will be ok, I just needed to mope for a bit. Thanks for all the hugs, advice and virtual pampering - it is very much appreciated.

Gwenx