Self Harm

bestpud

tiamai_d wrote: »

I'm not a self-harmer, but do have a question.

Trying to understand a person I know in RL who does SH.

This person 'flaunts' his SH. He will sit and pick at his scabs/scars/cuts openly, to draw you attention to it (and sitting at lunch this is pretty bloody disgusting). Now, they have a psychologist so it's not a plea for help. They also have friends who SH openly, by this I mean cut themselves in the middle of town centres, busy public places etc. And they all have psychologists, are on medication and probably get more help than most. Oh yes, they are also dfrug users.

I always thought that part of SH was that it was your secret and that most people were ashamed of what they were doing, so why flaunt it? I can't bring myself to feel any sympathy for this person at all simply because he seems to be so pleased at what he is doing

Can anyone shed any light on this?

I know I go to great lengths to hide it, and most of the SH'ers I know of do the same.

I think people like this guy have learnt it gets them the 'attention' they need. It may be he needs people to avoid him, or feel repulsed, because it matches the image he has of himself. He may genuinely struggle with positive reactions from people.

Or it could be he feels that is the only way he can get people to notice him. Or he may be very nervous around others and simply unable to stop himself.

There could be any number of reasons iyswim, and they may not be conscious ones for him either.

We all learn to behave in a certain way to get the response we need from others.

I guess it is hard to feel sympathy for him when his actions are difficult to tolerate, but I think it is safe to assume he is suffering in some way and he has not been able to find a 'better' way of expressing that yet. Hopefully he will at some point...

pinkshoes

I'm a SH'er... It's been a while since I last SH'd.

I was probably around 11 when I started SH. I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because my so called best friend at school was the sort of person who'd just turn her back on me when someone more cooler (and thus more interesting) came along, and I'd get ignored, so I had very low self esteem and convinced myself I was boring and a worthless piece of sh*t.

My parents were always busy working, so the little time I spent with them I put a smile on and covered up my misery. The SH was a way of dulling the metal pain and replacing it with physical pain.

When I was younger I would bruise myself all over, pinch myself, thump walls and door frames with my wrists (and broke my wrist when I was 17), heat up a lighter, then put the hot metal flint against my wrist leaving two burn marks...

Around aged 21, I took to cutting with knifes, so often had to wear long sleeves, or put a bandage on and tell people I scolded myself and needed to keep it covered. Cutting my thighs became a better option, because people couldn't see those scars. Usually when drunk.

I rarely do it now, although perhaps if I argue with my OH, I'll get furious with myself, blame myself, and punch something. He doesn't like me doing it, so I try not to.

I still can't fully explain why I do/did it. It's an internal anger, and a feeling of inadequacy, being useless. "Worthless piece of sh*t" was my quote from life.

I would love to say that I'll never do it again, but I can't.

feelinggood_2

Notsosharp wrote: »

I really don't think SH is a long term answer, in fact its probably avoiding the real, underlying issues. But having said that I wouldn't say I am completely "cured" either, its something I have a tight rein on and sometimes I have to exercise a fair amount of control. But I really, really don't want to do it again. Now that I've stopped seeing the psychiatrist I don't really know what would happen if I started again.....

What I really do resent is when you go and see a therapist and because you SH it automatically labels you as someone having Borderline Personality Disorder...really annoys me. :mad:

My Pyschiatrist labelled me with BPD when I started self-harming. Luckily, I managed to get a second opinion from the neighouring mental health team, and after a real conversation where they actually asked about my past, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My pyschiatrist is still awkward with help (she still thinks I have BPD and doesn't want to give me attention), but she is leaving in May and I'm hopeful that her replacement will be less closed minded.

I'm self-harm free at the moment, but I wonder if the only reason is because I'm pregnant. I'm worried about relapse when I'm not sharing my body with something I love so much I can't bring myself to hurt my body.

RebekahR

I have self harmed in my teenage years. I was brought up in a highly disfunctional family. My mother a manic depressive with repressed childhood traumas of all sorts. My father emotionally abused even to this day by his mother. I was sexually, emotionally and at times physically abused.

I carried around a hell of a lot of anger and frustration.

I think tbh the frustration was my main driver for my self harming. I was so angry and frustrated. I used to tell everyone who would listen what had happened to me. I mean everyone :-O my school mates, anyone I got to know like work mates within a matter of days of knowing them Terrible! Huge cry for help. I got very temporarily releif from telling people. I would then go back to that deep frustration of no one listened, no one cared, and out would come the knife. Yes seeing the blood was like a relief! That emotional pain all coming out in the blood. Didn't matter the size or amount of blood so longs there was blood there. I used to hide my wrists from people. I only really stopped when I got my first serious boyfriend who picked up on my abuse before I ever said anything! I was shocked to the core and asked if it was that obvious?! But he had friends with the same thing previously. I later learnt he was abused as a child also. I only then learnt to really love myself once I had two timed him with my current bf. I left him for current bf and we have been together for 7 years. I have been to online support groups for my abusive issues etc, I have been to counselling for the sexual abuse (that was an experience in itself!! "feel the pain" "work through it" "you can do it today and get it over and done with" left there feeling highly disappointed with myself. Why couldn't I feel this "pain" they were on about?! I permanantly walked around like my emotional part was locked up in a cage! About as hightly disassociative as you can get! No emotions what so ever!
And lastly I have therapy books that I read. When I am in desperate need I either talk to one of my online friends who have been there or I read my therapy books or journal. And this helps to keep me in control these days. Thank you for reading this. And learn to love yourself! No one else will love you if you don't love you :-)

tori.k

get help now....ive just buried my best friend,its destroy her 15 yr old son's life, she was self harming for over 20 yrs and lost her fight with depression while sectioned in hospital, there is some good on-line support site's like bus board, which also offer help to families of self harmer's, best of luck, happiness can be found in each day if you only look hard enough

bestpud

tori.k wrote: »

get help now....ive just buried my best friend,its destroy her 15 yr old son's life, she was self harming for over 20 yrs and lost her fight with depression while sectioned in hospital, there is some good on-line support site's like bus board, which also offer help to families of self harmer's, best of luck, happiness can be found in each day if you only look hard enough

Sorry to hear about your friend.

nifty

tori.k wrote: »

get help now....ive just buried my best friend,its destroy her 15 yr old son's life, she was self harming for over 20 yrs and lost her fight with depression while sectioned in hospital, there is some good on-line support site's like bus board, which also offer help to families of self harmer's, best of luck, happiness can be found in each day if you only look hard enough

Sorry to hear about this...depression does need to be fought, sometimes its just so tough.

tiamai_d

bestpud wrote: »

I know I go to great lengths to hide it, and most of the SH'ers I know of do the same.

I think people like this guy have learnt it gets them the 'attention' they need. It may be he needs people to avoid him, or feel repulsed, because it matches the image he has of himself. He may genuinely struggle with positive reactions from people.

Or it could be he feels that is the only way he can get people to notice him. Or he may be very nervous around others and simply unable to stop himself.

There could be any number of reasons iyswim, and they may not be conscious ones for him either.

We all learn to behave in a certain way to get the response we need from others.

I guess it is hard to feel sympathy for him when his actions are difficult to tolerate, but I think it is safe to assume he is suffering in some way and he has not been able to find a 'better' way of expressing that yet. Hopefully he will at some point...

Think he will be offended if I ask/tell him to stop picking them in the canteen or when sitting next to me in a lab?

bestpud

tiamai_d wrote: »

Think he will be offended if I ask/tell him to stop picking them in the canteen or when sitting next to me in a lab?

Well I wouldn't be offended, but then I wouldn't do it anyway!

I would say something if it were me though, if only because I am heaving at the mere thought of someone picking their scabs while I am eating!! :eek: Do you seriously manage to get food down while he is doing that?

It's certainly a reasonable request, imo anyway.

nifty

tiamai_d wrote: »

Think he will be offended if I ask/tell him to stop picking them in the canteen or when sitting next to me in a lab?

Offended! It comes down to basic manners, would you sit picking your nose while people are eating?