Another OH with debts

digitalphase

Hi, Ladybez, I've just read through the whole of your thread and wanted to comment.

I feel so frustrated for you. I can't imagine being with someone for 33 years, but I understand it must be incredibly difficult to end it after all that time. However, the man he is now cannot be the man you married, can he? To have hidden all this debt from you and to continue to spend while he is dangerously overlimit shows complete lack of remorse, and that he really doesn't care.

The fact that your kids want him to leave shows a lot. He must be lacking in lots of areas, not just financial awareness.

I am in a small amount of debt myself; a student loan, vet bills, and two credit cards but I am paying them back (not the student loan yet as still a student). I can't imagine being in £60k+ worth of debt unless it was for a mortgage. How can he have spent so much money and not have anything at all to show for it?

I'm afraid that upon learning of his deceit I'd have lost all trust I had (though I don't trust people much at all) built up in him over the years and wouldn't be able to rest until I had found out everything. Once I have a bee in my bonnet there is no stopping me If my OH replied with a budget excuse like "I don't know what I spent it on, nothing in particular", I'd have kept firing questions at him until he had to either answer or leave to get away from me You're in a fairly safe position as your finances are mostly separate, so you shouldn't really be affected by his selfish ways, thankfully. I think you've realised it's a no-go re-mortgaging

If he comes back, I'd give him an ultimatum and stick to it (otherwise there is no point and he won't realise you're being serious ever again).
1) He puts his wages into your account so you control his finances and give him pocket money, he cuts up all cards in front of you, he shows you all future statements so you know exactly how much he owes now, and goes to a debt management company and sorts his mess out.
or
2) You divorce him.

Blimey, I didn't mean to write so much! I just really feel for you and hope you stop letting him take advantage of your nice nature.

Oh and I wouldn't bother hiding his cards etc as that's what parents do to kids - take away their toys when they've been naughty. He can choose from 1 or 2 and that's it. Actually I hope he chooses 2 as he's treated you appalling, but that's my opinion as an outsider.

Good luck and keep us updated

Paulgonnabedebtfree

ladybez wrote: »

Its not easy to walk out on 33 years of being together. However last night, after an almighty row (about something else) he ended up by saying "do you want me to go?" The kids all said yes and when we came back from Brownies he was out. Will see how this pans out in the next few days.

Sounds painful but may ultimately be the best solution. I hope you both find resolution whether that is together or apart.

ladybez

RAS yes he did go to his mums (no need to phone, they live opposite the boy's school and his car was there) His cc's seem to be about a payment behind partly because he gets paid on 15th month and payments are due before this, some are now below limit, still at a frightening level, can't see or find any default notices or ccj's. Everything of mine is up to date and having more than the min. paid, child tax credit would work out at about £35.00 per week.
He did come and see the children last night as he missed them and they missed him, but it was not an appropriate time to talk about long term issues, everyone was too emotional and he is going to pick the kids up tonight as I will be working. I have told him he needs to do some serious thinking about a lot of issues, then we will have to sit and talk about them and the future.

Daffykjs

I think you're dealing with this amazingly ladybez and I hope that this is his lbm and whatever the outcome it's for yours and your kids best interest!

Let us know how the talk goes when you have it!

Dinah93

What kind of man chooses spending money over his family?

SarahNeedle1872

Hiya ladybez, just wanted to pop in and add my support. It can't be easy being apart after so long together, but maybe this is the wake up call he needs to change his way.
Hope everything works out for you and the kids
(((hugs)))

Sx

fatpiggy

Hi ladybez,

Big hug for you and your children who could obviously see that something was very wrong despite your best efforts to protect them from it all. What a sad reflection that they all wanted their father to move out. But I am pleased for you too as they have totally vindicated you and you didn't have to tell him to go off your own bat. I really hope that now you can all move forward and either your husband sorts himself out once and for all, or a new door opens for you and you go though it without him. At last, the ball is entirely in his court and it is up to him and him alone to face up to his actions. I realise that 33 years is a long time, but don't forget what Martin often tells us about changing banks or leccy suppliers - we tend to sit tight and can't be bothered to move away as we like the familiarity, even though we know full well we CAN DO BETTER. If anyone deserves some peace and stability it is you.

Glitzkiss

I've just caught up with this thread and can't believe how strong and determined you are ladybez. I have to admit I silently cheered when I read about the kids wanting him to go Hopefully this triggers a LBM in him though.

I've no new advice to offer but wish you much luck and I really hope that you manage to move the mortgage into your own name for the sake of you and the kids.

redstararnie76

Hi, I've got nothing new to offer but wanted to wish you luck.
If he does try and return I would suggest that (always assuming you want to consider that happening) you set some rules as a condition of his return including his wages being paid to you.

RAS

ladybez wrote: »

His cc's seem to be about a payment behind partly because he gets paid on 15th month and payments are due before this, some are now below limit, still at a frightening level, can't see or find any default notices or ccj's.

Good. If he can keep them at that level, it may be possible to work his way out of this.

ladybez wrote: »

I have told him he needs to do some serious thinking about a lot of issues, then we will have to sit and talk about them and the future.

May be you both need to have a bit of space. Obviously you have been thinking about stuff for some time now, and it may be he is at nearer the beginning of his journey.

At least you know that your income is enough to cover all the outgoings at the moment, not least because you have been doing it for a long while.

Best wishes.