The diary of a skint bloke's Mrs

RRWJ

So here we are - three weeks to the big day. I keep calling it D-Day, but technically it should be DF-Day (debt free).

I've decided to do a diary from my point of view here because I'm not the one going BR - my OH is. So while I'm very much face to face with the whole process it actually isn't my problem. But it is, if you get what I mean. It affects me emotionally and stress-wise as much as it affects him.

As fabulous as this forum is, I haven't found anything from the supporting OH's point of view, so I figured something like this would be beneficial. I know if there was something like this on the boards already when I joined, I'd have read it cover to cover at least 5 times by now.

So here it is - I hope it is useful!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks to go, and I feel like a weight has lifted off already. We've been waiting for this for over a year for various reasons I won't bore you with. I've cried, sobbed, pleaded, begged and reasoned with him as to why he was stalling on the paperwork, why he was sticking his head in the sand yet again. This is the last piece of baggage from his past hanging over us.

He's taken two days off work to fill the paperwork in online, which earnt big brownie points. After weeks of me trying not to nag, he decided off his own back to do the paperwork. So it went in the space of two weeks from nothing having been done to being in a position to phone the court for a date.

He's worrying about it, and he's stressed. I can tell that without him telling me. Let's face it - it's a big step to take ultimately. I'm frustrated that I can't do more to help him, and worrying that he's not talking to me. As a woman, I'm used to chatting about stuff that's worrying me. Men generally aren't like that. Now we've got a date to work towards I'm wondering if he'll get more or less stressed. It's certainly taken a weight off my mind, despite the nerves I have for him.

I've offered to go to the court with him on the big day, and we're going out on a "date" afterwards. Guinness and dinner at our favourite restaurant thanks to my student loan I think.

I've tried not to get involved as much as possible, but it has been very hard. I saw him through his divorce and helped him fill the petition out. I listened to him rant when his ex wife decided to drag it out unnecessarily, and jumped with him for joy when the decree absolute finally landed on the doormat. I've calmed him down after recieving nasty phonecalls from DRA's, and I've opened threat letters from DRA's for him and checked out the process that they have to adhere to.

I'm the sort of person who sees that something needs to be done, and gets it done. I can understand why he's stuck his head in the sand a few times, and also why he decided to delay it last year to ease the burden on me (I'd had a huge bereavement last year and it took me most of the year to get myself back on my feet and functioning). But because there's nothing I can physically do to help, I get very frustrated.

I hope all of the above makes sense, and I hope stuff to come makes sense and helps people too.

RRWJ

Questions keep cropping up all over the place. My mind is like a whirlwind at the moment! I'm assured that the panicky stage is perfectly normal though, so I'm trying to ignore it as much as possible. It does get the better of me sometimes though - I've been known to just sit and sob until the panicky feeling subsides.

fiveyearplan

Hi and welcome RRWJ. We have quite a few OH's on here. I agree, although it isn't your name in the London Gazette and the IIR - you are very much part of the process and affects your life much the same.

I'm glad he has filled in the forms (2 days - mine took weeks!). Keep us updated!

dalip

Good start RR:D . I look forward to reading about your journey.DX

RRWJ

Odd...

All went quiet on the western front as regards letters and phonecalls. And I mean deathly silent. Not a peep from anyone.

Then he got a RED letter from natwest, with a solicitor's letter following this, and now today he's got another letter from Intrum Justitia demanding "payment in full".

He's calling the last lot tonight to say "you can whistle for it - I'm going bankrupt on the 17th march!" when he's on his way home. We're anticipating CCJ paperwork through the door regarding the first one, which he'll return informing the court that he's making himself bankrupt.

He did write to all of his creditors about 4 months ago, offering them £50 each to settle the debts because that was all he could afford, and they all told him to shove it. Now it looks like they won't get a penny out of him! (diddums)

Neither of us slept well last night, which surprised me. I expected to sleep better knowing it was in hand, but nope. I was jerky and twitchy and very restless. Maybe I'll sleep better on the 17th!

I have to say, at the moment I'm worrying about his interview with the OR the most. Mostly because I won't be able to be there for him. I feel like I'll be letting him down almost. Which is silly, I know, but I can't help it!

I just want to wave a magic wand and get rid of it all.....

RRWJ

Morning all!

Annoyingly, I'm still not sleeping well since he called the court and got his date. Sitting here thinking about it now leaves me with a gripped, panicked feeling in my stomach, and I'm almost short of breath.

I spoke to the Mother-in-law yesterday, who was very pleased to hear that it's taking a big step forward, and she told me to keep up the good work by not letting him stick his head in the sand, as he's very prone to do. I was quite flattered when she told me that!! She, like me, just wants the whole thing over and done with so he and I can move forwards.

He's awaiting a letter from his pension company from a place he used to work at so he can put that on the forms. He phoned them last thursday and it still hasn't arrived, so he's going to chase that up today.

Annoyingly he didn't phone the DRA last night and tell them where to shove it. This is a company that phoned him four or five times a day a few months ago. Grrr!!! :mad:

I went to bed last night and was hit by the realisation that three weeks time we won't have to deal with threat letters or people phoning demanding "payment in full", and he won't have all the debt from his past hanging over his shoulders - it'll just be me and him, and whatever we build up between us asset/money wise. Once he's discharged of course.....

So many emotions going round me today (I am a very emotional person generally). Nerves, fear, worry, excitement......

This is just the last piece of baggage we have to deal with from his past. I'm getting quite adept at it, but I'm looking forward to the day when he's baggage free!!!

LilyBart

Hi RRWJ,
Can completely understand your frustrations and nervousness. But some companies intensify the phone calls and letters if they become aware that a debtor is planning to petition for bankruptcy. Rather than have your husband tell them he's going bankrupt, it might be better if he simply tells them he is taking advice and will be in contact next month. In the end, it doesn't really matter: some will be nasty, some will quieten down for a bit, and you know that there are legal limits to what they can do. The final few weeks leading up to bankruptcy are always pretty grim, just hang on in there. But for what it's worth, I wouldn't go telling the creditors what you're planning to do.
best
Lily

RRWJ

Hi Lily - good point! I didn't think of that - of course they'll up the ante in the hopes of squeezing money out of him.

It amused me that they sent a letter though - we hadn't heard anything from them for months.

Whenever I get stressy I just remind myself "20 days to go". It usually helps...

LilyBart

Yep. It's grisly. And some creditors are incredibly aggressive and tenacious. Have you considered changing your phone number? If that's not possible, just focus on the pleasure you will feel when they phone after your OH is bankrupt and you can tell them to talk to the OR instead!

RRWJ

They don't actually have his day-to-day number anymore, so we just get the missed call notifications when he bothers to turn the phone on that they do have the number for. Still annoying though that they phoned up to five times a day. Gits! I know it's just their job, but gits all the same!

lornio

i really understand your fear i wish i was as brave as your being!! x