SAHM Being 'Bullied' Back to Work

Aspiring

squirrelchops wrote: »

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I must also say that in the current climate expecting to be able to take 4 years off to rear a child is pretty optimistic unless you can truly afford it.

It could be argued that "in the current climate" you speak of, expecting the OP to be able to get a job is pretty optimistic

bestpud

I agree you need to sit down and have a proper talk about this, although that can be easier said than done once resentment starts to build!

How about you bring the work date forward to when your youngest is three and perhaps find something with less hours then, so you can fit it in with the time he/she will be at nursery? They get so many free hours once that age and at nursery (or with a childminder) too.

And if you could find work as virtual PA, you'd be more able to pick your hours and could still go to all the school events (I know I'd hate to miss those as much as my dd would hate me to) and you'd also be able to look after them when they are ill, or off school.

Is that an option perhaps?

galvanizersbaby

skintchick wrote: »

actually I would be happy to go along with that if she could earn more than him and he was good with the children and running the household.

That's you but would the OP and her husband be happy with that?!

OP - obviously you need to communicate with your DH to establish the reason for your DH's resentment (as pretty much everyone has said) and you really need to both agree on the right way forward together for your family.

There is no I in 'we' and you need each other's support whatever you decide between you

MrsTinks

I think the "bullied" part is a bit strong IMO... I would never expect the sole financial responcibility of looking after our family to fall on my husband unless he started getting some serious pay rises And even then... I'm sorry but I would never want to be 100% financially dependant on someone else... What if the worst happened and the marriage broke up? I would have given up work and find it much harder to return to work (especially skills wise) than if I'd kept my hand in so to speak and suddenly I'd need to learn to cope on CB and what have you... no thanks - I'd rather know that SHOULD something happen I can pay the bills and put food on the table for my child/children.

If I ever stop working then it would have to be a joint decision between me and my husband - as would when I would return to work. I do anticipate however that I'd still be doing something from home if I was a SAHM... Is there anything stopping you bringing in some extra money through kleeneeze, bettaware, Avon etc? Even Ebay sales if you can think of something would probably be a good idea...

As for who should look after the kids... I can to a degree see his point... I firmly believe that kids SHOULD be allowed to spend time away from home - if that is a day a week in nursery then that's fine (you could then get maybe a cleaning job for that day?) but not only will it help their immune system and build up their resistance, but it will help their social skills with both adults and other children.

You need to communicate with your husband - calmly and unemotionally - write down a list of your pro's and con's and explain that the way he's trying to put his point across is very upsetting for you. Work out a way forward together! If need be then maybe try and get an appointment with relate?

lesley1960

if you went back to work would your husband take on half of the work you do now ? I know a lot of women who work full time and have young children , yet are still expected to do the lions share of the responsibilities outside of work . There are a lot of extra costs in going to work when the children are small , not just childcare costs because time is at a premium you tend to really on more expensive food , travel costs increase , even clothing costs increase .

I can see how a man going out to work can resent having to do so , but staying at home with young children is very hard work too , if you can manage on one wage it makes sense for one of you to stay at home , whats the point in having extra money if you dont have the time to enjoy what you do have .

galvanizersbaby

MrsTine wrote: »

I think the "bullied" part is a bit strong IMO... I would never expect the sole financial responcibility of looking after our family to fall on my husband unless he started getting some serious pay rises And even then... I'm sorry but I would never want to be 100% financially dependant on someone else... What if the worst happened and the marriage broke up? I would have given up work and find it much harder to return to work (especially skills wise) than if I'd kept my hand in so to speak and suddenly I'd need to learn to cope on CB and what have you... no thanks - I'd rather know that SHOULD something happen I can pay the bills and put food on the table for my child/children.

If I ever stop working then it would have to be a joint decision between me and my husband - as would when I would return to work. I do anticipate however that I'd still be doing something from home if I was a SAHM... Is there anything stopping you bringing in some extra money through kleeneeze, bettaware, Avon etc? Even Ebay sales if you can think of something would probably be a good idea...

As for who should look after the kids... I can to a degree see his point... I firmly believe that kids SHOULD be allowed to spend time away from home - if that is a day a week in nursery then that's fine (you could then get maybe a cleaning job for that day?) but not only will it help their immune system and build up their resistance, but it will help their social skills with both adults and other children.

You need to communicate with your husband - calmly and unemotionally - write down a list of your pro's and con's and explain that the way he's trying to put his point across is very upsetting for you. Work out a way forward together! If need be then maybe try and get an appointment with relate?

Mrs T - I think your post is spot on - your point re remaining financially dependent on somebody else is sadly a valid one - when my marriage broke up when my children were small I was glad I had kept my financial independence and had a job to pay my own way - though I know there are plenty of others that disagree with my way of thinking.

belfastgirl23

The danger here is getting into a debate about whether it's okay to be a SAHM. This debate is what has caused the problem with the OP and her DH to start with so there's no point in us re-creating it here

To me, she needs to listen to what he has to say and not just try to talk him into something he has already said he doesn't want. And then they need to sit down together and find a compromise.

Alas being convinced you're in the right is no basis for discussion or compromise...

OP what are you thinking now?

Emmenelle

Thanks for all your perspectives on this, it has truly helped.

Just to address some of the points - A few months back, DH said if I could prove going back F/T wouldn't be financially viable, then he'd give me a break, so I did the whole 'entitled to' thing, asked my childminder for a quote and presented everything on a spreadsheet, including a P/T option (based on a 20 hour week and appropriate childcare). As I mentioned in my previous post, it didn't really give us more money, not balanced against sick kids, etc, etc. He was happy to leave it for a bit, but has now started again.

Being at home until DD starts school is the ideal, however, I've compromised and said that it might be an option for me to go back P/T in Sept 2010 as DS will be at school and DD will be nearing the free nursery place so it may make more financial sense then.

I know the word 'bullied' is not idea, but that's why I put in inverted commas, it was a little bit tongue in cheek!

I just get annoyed as I worked pretty much full time when DS was a baby and I came home and did absolutely everything, including all the night time get ups. Now, I cook dinner, DH helps put DS to bed whilst I put DD to bed, I then wash up, tidy up and every other night, do the ironing - and I just know this wouldn't change if I was at work.

Sorry, I'm rambling - but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think its because he feels the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, he's really not that kind of guy, and I know its not because he would like to be in my place - he often can't wait to get to work for a break.

All I know is that DS is 3.5 now and its just flown, so for the sake of a couple of years of belt buckling, I don't see why he just can't get on with it.

skintchick

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

That's you but would the OP and her husband be happy with that?!

OP - obviously you need to communicate with your DH to establish the reason for your DH's resentment (as pretty much everyone has said) and you really need to both agree on the right way forward together for your family.

There is no I in 'we' and you need each other's support whatever you decide between you

That wasn;t what was asked.

The quote was
Originally Posted by fay144
But what you or I believe is completely irrelevant - it's what BOTH parties in the marriage in question believe that matters.

I'm sure if the OPs husband lost his job (god forbid!), no one would be saying it would be fair for him to announce that he was now a SAHF, and he expected his wife to now start paying the mortgage and all bills.


And I refute that no-one would be saying it was fair, because I would.

Savvy_Sue

Emmenelle wrote: »

Just to address some of the points - A few months back, DH said if I could prove going back F/T wouldn't be financially viable, then he'd give me a break, so I did the whole 'entitled to' thing, asked my childminder for a quote and presented everything on a spreadsheet, including a P/T option (based on a 20 hour week and appropriate childcare). As I mentioned in my previous post, it didn't really give us more money, not balanced against sick kids, etc, etc. He was happy to leave it for a bit, but has now started again.

Is it worth getting the spreadsheet out again, sitting down with it and him, and asking him what's changed? Then maybe say that WHEN he thinks the numbers have changed, you'll be more than willing to take another look, but until then it would be good if he would let your JOINT decision stand!