SAHM Being 'Bullied' Back to Work

1sue23

I am still a SATHM and my youngest is now 22 the same age I was when I last went out to work ,having said that I am of a different generation and it was the normal thing to do ,most women gave up work to look after the children my mother gave up work when she got married.
My youngest daughter works full time and has 2 children and is expecting her third and her partner is already putting pressure on her to return to work I do not know how she will cope with this as she struggles now with 2 children ,I think my generation had it easier as it was expected that a woman stayed at home and that was her job.

Hardup_Hester

My Ex Ch moaned constantly that I didn't work for 10 years, having said that when I did look for work, he expected me to find free childcare, lol. Where?, heaven knows.

Aspiring

Emmenelle wrote: »

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All I know is that DS is 3.5 now and its just flown, so for the sake of a couple of years of belt buckling, I don't see why he just can't get on with it.

That isn't how partnerships work.

Something about it is making him niggly, and when he's niggly, he's sniping at you and because of both of those things resentment will build up; it will have an affect on the children and potentially, in the long term, your marriage. DS may be 3 1/2 now and, I can promise you, if you think that has flown by, wait until you are celebrating his 18th

Open, and fair, communication with respect for both points of view is essential to marriage. If you really "don't see why he just can't get on with it", then you really need to listen when you have conversations about it. Listening is one of the hardest things to learn to do. You say:

~ he's thriving at work
~ he doesn't feel any pressure from being the sole breadwinner
~ he doesn't feel he'd like to change places with you.

Clearly there is an issue going on with him and the only one who can get to the nub of it is you. That will take active listening (and not being too quick to become defensive). Men are not the best of communicators; at least, not in the same way women are.

You make a valid point about experiencing going to work and then still being expected to do all the usual chores at home; yes, I can see why that is annoying - it's unbalanced roles. Yet that is something you are going to have to sort out at some point in your lives, so you can raise that in your discussions. Whether you are out working, or at home with the children, you should both have certain household responsibilities (and that also extends to your children as they grow too - and don't wait until they are teenagers before you begin to ask them to participate in household responsibilities either; far too late then ) Think of it another way, when you both retire, would OH expect to sit on his butt all day and you still carry on with all the laundry, cooking etc? Or, if he lived on his own, he would have to work and go home, cook, clean etc.

Good luck with speaking to him; but more importantly, good luck in hearing what he's really trying to say and fathoming out what the real nub of the issue is.

belfastgirl23

Aspiring wrote: »

That isn't how partnerships work.

Something about it is making him niggly, and when he's niggly, he's sniping at you and because of both of those things resentment will build up; it will have an affect on the children and potentially, in the long term, your marriage. DS may be 3 1/2 now and, I can promise you, if you think that has flown by, wait until you are celebrating his 18th

Open, and fair, communication with respect for both points of view is essential to marriage. If you really "don't see why he just can't get on with it", then you really need to listen when you have conversations about it. Listening is one of the hardest things to learn to do. You say:

~ he's thriving at work
~ he doesn't feel any pressure from being the sole breadwinner
~ he doesn't feel he'd like to change places with you.

Clearly there is an issue going on with him and the only one who can get to the nub of it is you. That will take active listening (and not being too quick to become defensive). Men are not the best of communicators; at least, not in the same way women are.

You make a valid point about experiencing going to work and then still being expected to do all the usual chores at home; yes, I can see why that is annoying - it's unbalanced roles. Yet that is something you are going to have to sort out at some point in your lives, so you can raise that in your discussions. Whether you are out working, or at home with the children, you should both have certain household responsibilities (and that also extends to your children as they grow too - and don't wait until they are teenagers before you begin to ask them to participate in household responsibilities either; far too late then ) Think of it another way, when you both retire, would OH expect to sit on his butt all day and you still carry on with all the laundry, cooking etc? Or, if he lived on his own, he would have to work and go home, cook, clean etc.

Good luck with speaking to him; but more importantly, good luck in hearing what he's really trying to say and fathoming out what the real nub of the issue is.

yes, yes and yes.

If you want to listen to him though OP, from your latest post I'd say you're still just determined to win the argument and get your way. Just keep in mind that this can cost you very dearly longer term...

KarrieBee

I think UKJoel and aspiring do have a point. I think this may be difficult for your OH in ways he finds it hard to articulate, and in the current economic climate he may find being the sole breadwinner stressful, but equally I respect your point that the years when children are small fly by and I can understand that you want this precious time with them.
I'm afraid I can't give you any concrete advice other than advocating talking to your DH, find out what his main concerns are and see if you can work out a compromise you can both live with. It would be a shame if resentment over this were to spoil an otherwise good relationship. all the best.

grahamliza4

Frankly, I think the chap in question sounds horrible. I'd leave if my husband came out with any of those comments.

milliebear00001

I've only skimmed I'm afraid, but didn't notice anybody mention what might be best for the most important people here...

Is this actually a difference of opinion on where young children are best cared for? Your husband seems to think they will do equally as well or better in childcare - what is your philosophy on that? Are you choosing to stay at home because YOU benefit, or because you believe that arrangement is better for your children? If you have a fundamental disagreement over the best care for your children, then that is what you need to be discussing. You know you can afford to be at home, albeit with a reduced lifestyle. Discuss the cost/benefits analysis when you've both sorted out where you stand on children at home/in childcare.

System

as said before why not try for a job at weekends /evenings ? i worked weekends for 3 years while DH worked mon/fri . ok we didnt get much family time but generally it worked well now i work school hrs and during hols DD goes to a holiday club occasionally .what im trying to say is where theres a will theres a way.

tyllwyd

CHRISSYG wrote: »

as said before why not try for a job at weekends /evenings ?

That does depend on their dad being willing to take on childcare at weekends - I know my OH wouldn't be happy with that because he's tired after a week at work.