SAHM Being 'Bullied' Back to Work

whitewing

I don't for a moment think he really means what he says. I think he is feeling underappreciated as the breadwinner. You need to have a good chat about that.

SandC

Just grit your teeth and pay no attention. Perhaps treat him to a few special meals. He seems a little envious perhaps.

Remind him that once you do go back to work in a couple of years how flush you will feel as a family. How at the moment with your support at home he can work all the hours god sends to further his career without having to worry about childcare arrangements. How a little budgeting now will stand you in good stead for the future etc. etc.

robin_banks

My OH is a SAHM, and it is difficult financially no doubt, we made the decision jointly and we stick to it.

Krystaltips

How do you actually feel about it though Robin... Despite 'sticking to it' do you feel a small amount of resentment?

I'm a SAHM and could of potentially gone back to work this year as DD just started full time school (I do actually do 4 hours a week at a little job but it's not every week) however No2 is due shortly and financially speaking it makes no sense for me to go to work over looking after the children. I do worry that DH resents me being at home, especially when he texts me and says how he wishes he could stay at home all day... But he's not keen on his job and he says he has no resentment over it, just would prefer to spend his time with me than being in work...

tyllwyd

Is he factoring in all the unseen things you do around the home - tidying up, cleaning & washing, shopping, taking kids to the doctor, staying in for deliveries etc etc. I work from home part-time, and because I'm the one at home these things all fall onto me (which sometimes I resent because there are weeks when I might work 30 hours, and still if things come up I have to find time to deal with them because I'm the stay at home one). Surely he'd find he'd have more on his plate if you were working.

Aspiring

IMO, the role of SAHM is vastly undervalued.

Stay At Home Mum implies that that is just what the woman is doing - staying at home "because" she's a Mum. It really doesn't factor in ALL that the role incorporates.

I can't find the actual article I'm looking for, and the link I'm going to give is a US one but the general principle is the same: http://money!!!!n.com/2006/05/03/pf/mothers_work/

JodyBPM

I'm bucking the general trend here, but I do have some sympathy for your husband. He's going about it the wrong way, and some of the things he's saying are tbh a bit spiteful, but I don't know how long the resentment has been building.

Fundementally, I think in a family, responsibility (for everything) is joint.How an individual family shares tasks, will vary, but the responsibilty remains joint. Basically, he's trying to tell you that he is struggling with the responsibility of being the sole earner and living on such a tight budget, and asking you to share the burden. Your response, No, I don't want to! Surely a supportive partner would want to relieve the burden? I would think that a part-time job would be a fair compromise, but you don't seem prepared to even consider it, just because you don't want to, even though he's clearly crying out to you for help. I don't understand why some women feel they have the right to abdicate responsibilty to contribute financially, purely because of their gender? (I'm a woman, a mum to two toddlers and a part-time worker btw. I'd prefer to stay at home, but taking everyone's needs into consideration, not just my own, part-time working was the best solution for the family).

JodyBPM

I'm bucking the general trend here, but I do have some sympathy for your husband. He's going about it the wrong way, and some of the things he's saying are tbh a bit spiteful, but I don't know how long the resentment has been building.

Fundementally, I think in a family, responsibility (for everything) is joint.How an individual family shares tasks will vary, but the responsibilty remains joint. Basically, he's trying to tell you that he is struggling with the responsibility of being the sole earner and living on such a tight budget, and asking you to share the burden. Your response, No, I don't want to! Surely a supportive partner would want to relieve the burden? I would think that a part-time job would be a fair compromise, but you don't seem prepared to even consider it, just because you don't want to, even though he's clearly crying out to you for help. I don't understand why some women feel they have the right to abdicate responsibilty to contribute financially, purely because of their gender? (I'm a woman, a mum to two toddlers and a part-time worker btw. I'd prefer to stay at home, but taking everyone's needs into consideration, not just my own, part-time working was the best solution for the family).

floss2

As others have suggested, maybe you could present him with a spreadsheet detailing the pro's & con's of working & not-working to him.

Also suggested previously, why not look for some w/e or evening work? Or, to keep up your skills, how about becoming a Virtual PA working to your own hours? Then you can spend time with the kids, still do some work & keep your skills fresh AND bring some extra cash in.....

pinksleepybear

You say there's not much difference money-wise whether you work outside the home and pay for childcare or are a SAHM. What do the figures look like if you work outside the home and your OH is a SAHD?

Maybe you could do the calculations and show him these 3 options (also include a list of who would need to do what around the house with each option). I know you said he struggles to spend much time with them, but it might make him see how much work you do at home.