SAHM Being 'Bullied' Back to Work

Smashing

Could he worried about the possibility of losing his job in the current financial climate?
Is he feeling neglected because all your focus is on your child?

belfastgirl23

Okay first of all to say something tough - the tone of your post is pretty self righteous (just look at the title!!). You've posted all of the reasons why you are right and your husband is wrong. I'm not saying that to be nasty at all, but just wanting to reflect to you that this might be what your DH is hearing when you talk about this. And it isn't conducive to finding a way through the problem

It sounds to me like you have made your decision to be a SAHM without ever really talking about it with your DH. And he is feeling a bit swamped by the responsiblity of being the sole earner. I also think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Not one where you show him the spread sheets but one where you listen properly to his concerns and don't just jump to the defensive. You need to start from the point of view that he is a rational human being and isn't just saying these things to spite you. And really try to hear what's behind them without taking it personally.

The other thing I'd say though (and I have a feeling I should duck for cover as I say it) is that staying off work till your daughter is 4 is a long time to be out of the labour market. I appreciate your desire to undertake further training but again if you didn't actually agree this with your husband I can see why he would be uncomfortable about it.

I could see him being the way he is about things because he feels like he has been dumped with the consequences of what appears to him to be a unilateral decision. One way or another you need to reach a compromise that would allow him to feel you are making joint decisions. Perhaps this might mean you working part time? Or going back to work earlier? Or a combination of the two? i would be very clear however about the implications of this (but gently) - eg I could work part time in the evenings if you could do the bed/bath/bottle routine etc. NOT as part of a row, just as part of a negotiation....

Good luck.

ukjoel

Think you need to understand what the real issue is here.

Previous poster queried whether issue was money or possibly insecurity.

Guys find it very hard to say things, like I'm scared, I'm worried, or I might have screwed up.

He may be insecure about his job and thats understandable.

If you think back to before the kids there were half the pressures, twice the money and twice the time for relaxation.

Now he may be sitting there thinking - look at all these bills I am responsible for. That pressure eats away at people and there isnt an office or factory in the country which hasnt got doom rumours going round and to be honest he is probably Cra**ing himself about it but cant tell you that.

So instead he says - Oi darling - get off your backside and get yourself a job.

Thats manspeak for - Due to the impending worldwide recession I fear I may be unable to care for you and our precious offspring. Would be ever so greatful if you took some time out from sitting on the nest to fetch a worm or two to keep the chicks from starving.

theladsmum

I carried on working after having children - 2 days, then upped that to 3 when DS2 was 2 and DS1 was at school. I am lucky to have a well paid job, and earn more than a lot of people do working fulltime. I also have a child-friendly employer, so "emergency" childcare for sickness, etc, falls on me.

OH thankful for (not so small) mercies? NO!!!! When DS2 started school, OH couldn't understand why I wasn't considering getting a full time job.

There is a lot of truth in the suggestions that financial responsibilities weigh heavily on the main breadwinner. In acknowledging that, you also are perfectly within your rights to point out that non-financial input into a family is important, and that his life is so much easier with you being at home. Equally, an offer to consider part-time work might go down well. It would have to fit in with childcare availability, etc, so may not be feasible. And he would also have to start doing some of the household work.....

Good luck - make the most of time with the little ones, as believe me, you will turn round one day soon and wonder where the last few years went!!!!

skintchick

Sounds to me like that is what the Op believes too from what she has said, which is why I said it.

skintchick

fay144 wrote: »

But what you or I believe is completely irrelevant - it's what BOTH parties in the marriage in question believe that matters.

I'm sure if the OPs husband lost his job (god forbid!), no one would be saying it would be fair for him to announce that he was now a SAHF, and he expected his wife to now start paying the mortgage and all bills.

actually I would be happy to go along with that if she could earn more than him and he was good with the children and running the household.

bylromarha

Key to a good relationship is talk talk talk talk.

Put the kids to bed, have a nice meal without the TV and tell him how his comments are making you feel. Don't allow it to turn into an arguement-you need to allow each other the chance to share how you feeling at the moment.

Providing financially for kids isn't easy and both childcare and one person staying at home will cost in more than money. Roles change continually as they grow and it's hard for one adult to empathise with the other when it's all you do day in, day out and it's really hard to see the pressures the other is under.

All the best...and if all else fails, use your Boots points to buy a good pair of ear plugs.

lolababy

Remind him why you had children . Im sure the thinking behind it was to raise them not to palm them off for someone else to look after.
I think men moan regardless . He just needs a cuddle and reassurance. lol.
You do need to talk though.
Why not go away with the girls for a week and leave him with the kids.I bet he will soon change his mind.

*Louise*

Personally, I would have blown my top if OH dared to infer that another person (ie. childminder) was doing a better job than me and I was 'damaging DD' by not letting her go into the care of 'Wonderwoman' as well.:mad:

I am a SAHM, I worked p/t when we just had DS1, but when DS2 and DD came along we realised that at approx £60 a day fees any amount of money left over would be negligible. OH never complains - I do some voluntary work which means I can be away for weekends now and then, so he has the pleasure of dealing with our three by himself. He KNOWS it's tough and mind numbing sometimes, so if he comes home and dinner isn't on the table as he steps over the threshold, he knows I have probably had a hectic day and he will help put the kids to bed then make me a cuppa.

OP, I think you both need to sit down together calmly and let him know how you feel and that you need his support. Also ask about his feeling on the matter - let him put his point across.

squirrelchops

Hi all, interesting thread this.

Just one thing....I can fully appreciate what OP and everyone has had to say. The thing I have struggled with is the thread title of 'BEING 'BULLIED' BACK TO WORK'.

To use the word bully regarding one's partner is very strong and perhaps shows deeper issues witin the relationship? That and/or coupled with low self esteem from one or both sides regarding work seems to be making this a really huge issue.

I agree with the other postees that talking needs to happen asap. I must also say that in the current climate expecting to be able to take 4 years off to rear a child is pretty optimistic unless you can truly afford it.