SAHM Being 'Bullied' Back to Work

Emmenelle

...and I'm getting sick of it.

Does anyone else's DH (and I use the 'D' bit loosely...) resent them being at home with the kids? Quick background - I went back 4 days a week when DS was 7 months old and feel I missed out on so much, and when I was preparing to go on mat leave with my DD last February, I was offered voluntary redundancy, which I took. So, I've been at home a year.

DH constantly moans how he hates living to a budget and how I'm 'damaging' DD as the childminder did such a good job with our DS, whose incredibly confident and sociable. He says its unfair that I'm getting so much more time with the kids and stagnating our progress in life by doing so.

In response to his moans - I paid almost half my wages to the childminder when I worked and she quoted me £260 pw for the pair of them based on full time working :eek: our likely combined earnings if I went back full time would be c.£50k so we wouldn't qualify for help with childcare. On top of this, we would be responsible for paying our rent, which is £1k a month - at the moment, rightly or wrongly (!), we get £400 a month housing benefit to help with this. Anyhow, I number crunched everything into Entitledto.co.uk and we would be marginally better off with me working - but once you take into consideration possible travel to work, unpaid time off with sick kids and work clothing, etc, I don't believe that small amount extra makes up for missing out on the children's lives.

I've said I'll go back full time once my DD starts school in 3 years - meanwhile, I'm starting an OU course in May and I intend to keep brushing up on my skills so I've got a better chance of picking up where I left off in the job market (I'm an Executive PA).

I'm sick of defending my decision everyday and people doubting my ability to raise my DD into a well rounded happy child - she goes to 2 toddler groups a week and soft play with my DS.

Has anyone else been in this situation? or am I the only one to have such a DH? :rolleyes:

skylight

Tell him to bog off.

My OH didn't moan so much - but it was the hints and snide comments (wheres dinner? etc). Now though he is off work due to "disability" (which I use loosely as he does not consider himself disabled but is labeled so), the shoe is on the other foot. I have to go back to work after several years off (a PA too!) and am dreading it.

We tried this role reversal once before and it didn't work very well. I ended up working full-time and being a full-time homemaker too - he just couldn't manage it. And with his "disability" there is no way he can do it now anyway.

But yes - its not just your OH. Mine also moaned about working all the time and never having any money. He would be OK if I spent money on the kids but asked 1001 questions if I spent a few pounds on myself. But he would spend his "share" within hours of being paid then would be asking me for petrol money etc from my "share".


Why don't you take yourself of on holiday for a week or two? A friends would be fine. Leave him with the kids for the time and he can deal with it all - as we all know, its the easiest job in the world and anyone can do it; piece of cake.........

Little_Miss_Winner

Hiya,

Which do you think he has the most problem with? The fact your'e not bringing money in? Or the fact you get too spend all day with the children??

There is no way in this world I could bring myself to pay approx £13k a year for childcare!:eek:

You say you would be marginally better off if you returned to work, so taking into account you wouldnt get your rent rebate, and after childcare, lunches, work clothes, petrol etc.. how much better off would you be?

I gave up full time work after i had my children. I am home Mon-Fri day (ds only in nursery mornings till sept). And am on hand for collecting sick children, sports days, nativities etc. I love it!
I do work but evening and weekends. It's nice to go to work for a break.

I think, like a lot of men he probably sees it as a doddle, and resent the fact that he goes off to a job, while you sit at home. ((Apparently doing nothing, but playing!!:rolleyes:)

I often for fun say to my OH *Yes off you go, you go to work for a break!!!* LOL

Hugs

Aspiring

Emmenelle wrote: »

...and I'm getting sick of it.

Does anyone else's DH (and I use the 'D' bit loosely...) resent them being at home with the kids?

---

DH constantly moans how he hates living to a budget and how I'm 'damaging' DD as the childminder did such a good job with our DS, whose incredibly confident and sociable. He says its unfair that I'm getting so much more time with the kids and stagnating our progress in life by doing so.

---

Has anyone else been in this situation? or am I the only one to have such a DH? :rolleyes:

It might be worth reminding him that "everyone" has to live to a budget: from the very poor, to the stinking rich and all those souls inbetween. It's called life.

"Damaging DD" is just a put down; a way of justifying what he's saying.

"Resenting" you being at home and "unfair" you get to spend more time with the children - sounds to me there's a potential he's unhappy at work. Have you asked him? What hours does he work? Does it mean he doesn't get to enjoy them much? Could that be changed in any way? (ie, later bedtime for the children, perhaps?)

"Stagnating our progress in life" - wow! Interesting choice of words. (Lay on the guilt trip :rotfl: ) Was he jointly involved with the decision for you to have children? What was his attitude at that time?

Unfortunately, when the economy takes a nose dive, it is very unsettling and worrying for everyone - not least the main breadwinner. It puts an enormous strain on relationships. Your scenario isn't uncommon when the economy is doing well, but more so at times of recession.

Could it be that he simply feels that he isn't benefitting from this arrangement in any way that would please him? By that I mean, is your time taken up with the children and he is lower down in the pecking order? Maybe he needs some TLC (and no, I don't mean sex) - especially if he isn't happy at work, or worried if he might lose his job, or might be having to work harder.

He does sound unhappy. Unhappy people take it out on those closest to them. His arguments about living on a budget, comments about DD, they are just smoke screens to a degree. You know him best, what little ways could you make him feel more valued? If he feels valued and feels he is getting something out of the situation at home, he will be less inclined to moan and less focused on your "Return To Work Date".

Emmenelle

potogold wrote: »

Which do you think he has the most problem with? The fact your'e not bringing money in? Or the fact you get too spend all day with the children?

This is the 'odd' thing - he can't spend more than 15 minutes with the pair of them before it becomes too much for him!! He's better with my son whose now 3 - the under 2's seem to scare him to death, so its not as if he's jealous of me spending so much time with them! The money factor is odd too as obviously, with the huge childcare bill, we wouldn't exactly be rolling in it!

amandada

I'm presuming that if you went back to work full time, he'd be the first to volunteer to "pick up the slack" with all the things you do now which make HIS life easier, which you'd no longer be able to do?

As for you "damaging" your child by not using a childminder-that just defies words!

silly man! (I'm being polite!)

Emmenelle

Aspiring wrote: »

"Stagnating our progress in life" - wow! Interesting choice of words. (Lay on the guilt trip :rotfl: ) Was he jointly involved with the decision for you to have children? What was his attitude at that time?

We both made the decision to have the children, but I guess at the time of having DS, it was never a factor me being a SAHM.

I *think* he's happy at work...its a strange time for him, he's just coming to the end of a foundation degree and he's been promoted and had a payrise and everyone is singing his praises there and he's enjoying the challenge - maybe that's why he thinks I'm 'holding him back'. The other side of the coin is that before he started the degree course, he had a very basic job and I was earning nearly £10k more than him...I didn't mention that he might of been holding ME back then

McKneff

Sit down with him and a spread sheet showing how much you would be better off financially if you went back to work.

Then show him a list of work to do in the house, after you have finished work and tell him you would expect him to do half of it.

Hope that shuts him up

DaisyFlower

Maybe he's feeling the pressure of being the only earner, especially in the financial climate we have at the moment.

Perhaps he doesnt like having to claim benefits in order to support his family, some people are very proud and dont like claimimg.

You could maybe meet him half way, perhaps find an evening job so there is extra money for treats so that he doesnt feel as if he is working full time yet getting nothing out of it.

Whilst its easy to see it from your side, you also need to see his. You are happy not working and staying home but it needs both of you to be happy with that decision before it leads to other problems.

tattoed_bum

Did he actually say you were holding him back , if do i do think that comment is a bit unfair ,
the way things are now even if you were to return to work you may not actually get the wages you were previously.
i cant see how a you can damage your child by staying home with them rather than have a stranger help to raise them .

with the money situation are there ways to which you can cut back on things without him noticing ,
eg changing fuel suppliers ,internet suppliers etc that could free up a little more money .

I dont know what else to suggest but it is an issue that needs to be resolved as there seems to be a bit of resentment going on ,on both sides

Susan_Frost

Sounds like jealousy that you are at home all day and not earning. Does he really think you are "damaging" your daugher. How awful of him. I experienced this with my (now) ex many moons ago. I used to say it was an opportunity for us to at least have more family time together as chores dont need to be done so much in the evening and weekend, but it did not work. He was a dinner on the table when he came home sort.

I think it is a good opportunity for a woman to re-evaluate what she wants to do, and an OU course is making progress, does he resent that too? Possibly. I guess men dont get this chance.

I started a party plan business (very low key) and he resented the money I earned, which went into the family finances. He begged me to give it up, yet still went on about I was not allowed to drive the car because I paid less towards it £450:£550. This was a long time ago.

Nothing was ever good enough, he resented me not "working", but also resented me when I took the initiative to start something of my own.

Dont know what may be posted on here eventually, but maybe let him read them and see if he can recognise what he is doing.

Hope it works out for you, cos all it is doing at the moment is spoiling things.

Lets face it, it is only a short time in the whole scheme of things.