Depression Support Thread

Sssssss

npsmama wrote: »

Cpn = community psychiatric nurse.

The cpn just left and it was awful.
I just completely froze and wasn't able to talk to her about anything other than small talk.
I did mention that I didn't realise it was her personal mobile and she said that she had told me it was as her work one isn't reliable - I don't remember her ever telling me that. It ended up with me apologising to her.

I think I feel that I got upset bc of the way I am rather than bc of her text. I guess I also feel stupid for getting upset at something so small. But then again the whole reason why I got upset was bc I felt like she was treating me like a pile of brown smelly stuff.

The irony is that I feel even lower about myself now than I did before bc I didn't have the guts to confront her. I was too scared.

She's no idiot though and saw I wasn't my usual chatty self and that there were lots of awkward silences. I couldn't even look her in the eye. How stupid is that???
She asked if I wanted her to come back and of course stupid me said yes.

So this week I have learnt two things:
1. I could definitely not work in a hospital - especially not A&E
2. I'm 32 and I'm still scared of people and can't confront them.

Butterfly Kisses - I'm really glad your session went well. Well done for taking the courageous first step of keeping that appointment!

Hi I really don't know much about CPN, how easy would it be for you to change to another one? Because from your post it sounds best you try someone else if the CPN who is there to help you is leaving you feeling so down.

Tulip

:hello: Everyone,

I am now off

chat tomorrow

Night! Night!


love and light,

Katie xxx

donnydiva

beachbeth wrote: »

Im 44 and am this way.:o I find that it isn't so much the other person, its more whether I myself am up to dealing with someone. If Im having a bad day then I don't want to speak to anyone and find it hard to deal with people. If Im feeling bright and having a good day then people who are at all off with me don't bother me and I can deal with them.

I was in Argos the other day and took my ticket over to the collection point. The woman looked at me, looked at the ticket and then just picked it up and went to go and collect the jewellery I'd bought. No "hello" or "wait a moment while I collect your earrings". I thought how ignorant it was, especially as I'd smiled nicely at her. So when she got the jewellery, showed it to me said "ok?" I just said "yeah fine" and when she handed me the bag and then said "thank you" I just took it and didn't bother saying thank you back. It didn't upset me and I just carried on with my day. If I had been having a bad day this would have really upset me.

I can so empathise with your feelings beachbeth. If you are having an okay day, the above can bug you. If on the other hand you are having a grotty day, such an incident can be the straw that breaks the camels back. Manners cost nothing but you wouldnt think it with some people!!

donnydiva

Hi there :hello:

First of all Tiff, I hope you are feeling better now, I noticed one of your posts you mentioned you were a bit under the weather.:)

Secondly, Katie aka 'Tulip', you always sound so positive hun with your posts, and very excited about getting your Ipod. You seem to set yourself little goals to achieve which is again a really positive thing to do.

Feeling upside down at the moment, everytime I think I know whats what, the rug is took from under me, and Im as confused as ever.

Quick update on my situation with my dad.

Thursday I went to the hospital, firstly to see the social worker. I took my letter that Tiff kindly did for me, but thought I will see how she is first, and what she thinks or comes up with. I didnt want to get her offside if you see what I mean.

Anyhow I spent about an hour with her. She rang up at one point to get information she needed to do with my dads case, and also to find out what ward he was (as he was due to be moved YET AGAIN!! when they had a bed free) I could tell from the look on her face that she was having the same problems trying to get through to whoever was on the other end of the line.

Anyway the upshot is, I felt she listened to me, took on board what I said and where I was coming from. She gave me some information to take away with me, to put together a carers assessment ie; what I feel I can and cant do, what my dads needs are etc. They are also looking into rehabilitation for when he comes out, as he will have lost his confidence being in the hospital, follow up care for when he is back at home, etc. Plus some aids for helping him in the bungalow, that kind of thing. Of course this takes time and in the meantime he is still in hospital.

I then went to visit my dad, having worked out where he was, as he was on a new ward, and hospitals are not the easiest of places to get round are they??!! He was in a room on his own which I couldnt understand. I asked one of the nurses who said they had took swabs from him to do a MRSA check, so that he doesnt pick up an infection, or pass one on (which you cant argue with really, makes sense). Just before I was due to leave, they said he was ok to go onto the ward, so I went with him. He seemed okay as far as it goes.

Saturday, I went with a couple of friends who have been godsends to me the past couple of months. Straightaway he laid into me, on about phone calls, 3am in the morning, I'd been there...... totally confusing. I alerted the nurses came and checked his blood pressure, etc. He only has the one hearing aid at the moment, and I think he is picking up conversations between others on the ward, or if they are on the phone etc. Quite distressing though seeing someone so confused. Course, bless him I know it wasnt his fault, he must feel so frustrated stuck in there, no structure to his days. The only television (not that hes bothered about it) is a overhead one over the beds, where you put a card in to use for the day (The card costs £7 a day by the way!!:eek: )

Going to visit him tomorrow. Rang last night (Mon) first nurse who answered sounded half asleep, and not much help. Second one was chattier, but again, not much help. Why do they have to make you feel so guilty for ringing just to see how someone is? I try to appreciate how busy they are etc, and they dont seem to try to appreciate how stressed I am.

Im now going to have a nice mug of hot chocolate:coffee:, see what Tuesday brings.

By the way Tiff I printed out some of the cat pictures you have put on your posts. They made my dad smile which was nice

Take care all of you, sweet dreams
:hello:

absolutebounder

Sazbo wrote: »

AB I'm not sure it's as black and white as all that.... it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to phone up and make an appointment for my first counselling session. Several years in fact. But that did not mean I "had no intention of getting better" - far from it. I knew I wasn't well and I knew I needed help. But sometimes it's a question of being ready; of being in the right place; of finding the right time.

Saz x

The unconcious mind is black and white. Your concious mind isnt but then unlike the unconcious its not switched on all the time. Your unconcious mind is far more powerful and depression is a product of the unconcious. its a bit like smoking. conciously a smoker knows its bad for them. Unconciously the brain sees it as a protection against something eg stress.

Jo_R_2

shazrobo wrote: »

why are men so annoying or is it just the men that i choose?

don't get me wrong bf is loving most of time, but he is just so unsupportive, i'm running around looking aften kids, cooking , cleaning etc, and he just sits on his butt watching tv or playing on his ds. whenever i ask for a bit of help, he says i'm a guest, which he is, but wouldn't harm him to help out would it. and if i complain bout how hard it is, he just pretends to play the violin, soz needed to rant and get it off my chest, when its just the two of us and away from the house everything is fine. got headache from tv on all time today, every time i turn it off, he calls me moody, and just tells me to smile.
men :mad:

shaz x

Aw Shaz...

As you might know I have two quite young DDs. When I first met OH I basically kept things separate until on his request he wanted to spend time with them properly. Which was why I was quite annoyed when I used to have the very same thing - what I saw as an 'established' relationship, someone who I invited into my life as a supportive partner, and he seemed oblivious to what was going on around him.

I felt quite torn at first - I don't know if you've felt this but you think, well, he's my boyfriend, should I be asking/expecting him to help me with *my* kids? Then I realised, he knew full well DDs came as part of the package which I had made clear from the outset.

I also realised I had to ASK him for help. I'm not saying this is you because it sounds like you are already doing this, but in my case I came to realise I was expecting him to help, feeling disappointed because he didn't and when we sat down and talked about it, he said simply that I always appeared to cope so well he never thought I needed help unless I specifically asked for it. My lesson learned there!

The thing about telling you to smile - oh OH used to do that too until one day I went ballistic after a particularly bad day with the girls and told him in no uncertain terms where he could shove his patronising smile :rotfl: You know what? He was actually hurt - he knew at this point about my troubles and honestly thought :rolleyes: by being lighthearted it would diffuse a bad mood. So that was his way of handling an awkward situation, which I interpreted as him being insensitive when in fact he thought he was helping :rolleyes:

I also can relate TOTALLY to things being fine when just the two of us. I do think that his other behaviour is out of order - that made me mad to read that, I'd be angry too - saying he's a guest - gives me visions of you two years down the line with you running round after him and him sat on the sofa with a few cans with chaos going on around him, kicking back with the football on whilst you run round after him and the boys... :mad:

Ask him if he's a guest what is he doing essentially sat on his !!! and not actually spending time (albeit chaotic, crazy, helping out time) with you - he's just being rude and you need to call him on it. Tell him you think he's being incredibly rude and ignorant and you'd much prefer it if he wants to be selective about which parts of your life he's involved in that he might like to stay away until he understands that he either takes you and the boys as the whole package or not at all because it is not acceptable to you.

beachbeth

I can sympathise with what you are saying about your menfolk. You really need to tell them what needs doing and not expect them to know. You would think if they see you running around stressed and trying to do 6 things at the same time they would realise you need help but for some reason men just don't!

I can remember one of our first holidays abroad with the kids - they were 8 and 10. After a day by the pool, followed by the kids having a nap we would get showered and ready to go out to dinner. I had to clean up all the day's towels and bathers etc, then help the girls bath and do their hair and put fresh evening clothes on, as well as getting myself ready. What was hubby doing? Sitting in front of the tv watching the music channel. One evening I got so frustrated and just blew up at him - could he just help with something??!!! He just hadn't realised how stressful I was finding this period each day.

After the holiday he mentioned a funny foreign music video he had seen and said "Do you remember that video etc etc" and I said no, I hadn't seen it. He was adamant that I had because it had been on every day. I then pointed out that whilst he had had time to sit watching videos I was spending that period of the day tidying the apartment, sorting out wet clothes and towels and getting myself and the girls ready! Huh, men!!!:mad:

Tiff_2

Hi beth!

How are you angel?
I'm happy to help when I can hunnie. I've gone through your letter which was really good.
I hope you don't mind but I made a few alterations, which I've done in purple so that you can pick them out. Please feel free to ignore them, angel.

beth wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,
As I am waiting for my tribunal date for the above appeal, I felt I should write with an update of my condition.

I was feeling very low and tearful at the start of the year. This tearfulness and anxiety had been getting worse and my depression was as bad as it had ever been. In addition, it is a very anxious and worrying time waiting for my Incapacity Benefit Appeal tribunal. I was concerned and I thought I should visit my doctor again, thinking I may need either a higher dose of antidepressants or a change of tablets. My appointment was on 18th February. I told the doctor how anxious I am, to the point of rarely being able to leave the house, and that I was drinking a lot in order to try and keep calm and alleviate this anxiety. The doctor then prescribed ******** 10mg to be taken 3 times a day as well as Thiamine vitamin tablets. The ********** is to help with the anxiety.

Prior to becoming ill, I had been in full time work for many years but I had to leave due to the onset of my depression and being unable to leave the house. Even after I stopped working, I didn't even try to claim any IB until two years later. My claim was approved and backdated by the DWP. However, my recent claim for the renewal of the Incapacity Benefit was not approved. This was extremely distressing. After talking to my doctor, I asked for the case to go to tribunal. He agreed that I'm unable to work due to my health.

I had been advised by letter and on the phone by the Department of Work and Pensions to claim Jobseekers while I was waiting for my IB tribunal and was told that this wouldn’t affect my appeal. I have found this very hard to contemplate doing but I eventually visited the DWP website and realised I could apply online. However, they still need to see you in person and I had my appointment on 27th January at the Bedworth Jobcentre Plus.

I was very anxious and very upset and found the whole process very difficult even though the staff there were very understanding. I was asked to write down my qualifications but because my condition affects my memory and clear thinking, I found this very difficult and couldn’t remember what I had attained at college. I was told that I had to be looking for a job to claim Jobseekers Allowance and I said to them that I just couldn’t do this due to my health. The lady suggested that she put only 2 hours per day as the maximum I could work and my claim was put through. I was told by two different people whilst I was there that I wouldn’t be entitled to Jobseekers Allowance but that I could still come to sign on in order for my NI stamp to be paid.

When I returned home I was very upset and shaky. I decided it wasn’t worth making myself feel so ill in order to sign on just to get my NI contributions paid. I therefore filled in the form and posted it back to the Jobcentre, stating that I wanted to stop my claim because I was too ill to attend to sign on. I couldn’t face having to attend any more appointments due to my ill health, even though it meant I wouldn’t be receiving any benefit.

A week or so later, I received a letter from the Jobcentre Plus in Birmingham saying that I was entitled to the Jobseekers Allowance of £60.50 per week but as I had stopped my claim I would get just one payment. I was very upset that I had been given the wrong information from the staff at Bedworth and managed to arrange a reclaim for my Jobseekers Allowance. It is very difficult for me to keep attending the Jobcentre as I get extremely agitated, anxious and upset and it is also very hard for me to be anywhere at a specific time. I look at the clock and am very aware that I have to leave the house at a certain time and I get very anxious, distressed and tearful. I then realise that I just can’t go (whether its shopping or to an appointment) and I will sit and try to calm myself down and convince myself that Im not going to go. Once I have relaxed and decided to stay in the house I feel much better. However, if it's an appointment that I must attend, I then try to leave the house and try to stay in that less anxious state of mind. This is extremely difficult to do and I don’t really know how much longer I will be able to go and sign on at the Jobcentre. I cannot imagine doing this every fortnight for months and months – its very hard to keep myself together in order to keep attending appointments. Also, as I have to drive to get to the Jobcentre I cannot take my *********** either the night before or during the day of my appointment as you cannot drive whilst taking these. This, of course, means my anxiety returns and all my symptoms are exacerbated again.

If it hadn’t been for my 2 daughters I really don’t think I would be here today because there have been many times that I have just wondered what the point of it all is. However, I have always protected them as they grew up from knowing just how bad my condition was and I could never do anything that meant I would leave them. I sometimes just don’t want to go on but the thought of ending things and the affect this would have on them is just something I can’t contemplate. I try to be a good role model and encourage them to do their best at everything they do and this is so hard when I am at home all the time and can’t work due to my mental health. If I could go out to work and earn some money I would because this is how I want them to see me – as a normal working mum. However, I have this dark and overwhelming condition that stops me doing everyday things or other things I would like to do. I don’t even attend social events. I went away for a holiday abroad with my husband last year wanting to have a relaxing time in the sun and yet I was so anxious the whole time that I couldn’t wait to get home again. I had a pain in my chest for the first 4 days and couldn’t breathe very deeply because it hurt. I also had very bad heartburn the whole time I was there. I was frequently in tears and it wasn’t the relaxing time I had hoped for at all. My husband is always lovely and very supportive but this is the way my depression affects me.

This condition is the most awful thing to experience as it stops me from being the person I used to be and it stops me from being a normal mum and doing the normal things that other people do. No-one would choose to have this illness and have to live their life this way. To attend a medical to assess whether I can continue receiving IB and to be told the result is that I am able to work makes me wonder if the doctor in question knows anything about depression at all. I don't feel that he assessed me correctly and that the answers that were written down, were not what I had said or tried to explain. It was a very distressing event. It is very hard to convey at these appointments just how badly my depression affects my life. I have to try really hard to keep myself together in order to attend the medical in the first place and my husband has to come with me or I wouldn’t manage to go at all. The result is that I may seem to be a lot better than I am - I am used to hiding just how bad I am in front of certain people such as my daughters or people I don’t know very well. However when I return home, I am anxious and in a state and start drinking to calm myself down again.

I have to write all this down to send in a letter because when I see people face to face my brain just turns to cotton wool and I can’t remember anything that I meant to say and I find it hard to get my point across. Therefore, if there are any other updates or things I feel you ought to know before my tribunal, I will put it in writing to let you know as I will be extremely anxious on the actual day. Please feel free to contact my advisor ........... at Welfare Rights, should you have any questions.

Yours sincerely,

You have written a really good letter here sweetheart - well done you! You've covered all the points and explained your situation very well. Anyhoo hunnie, I hope you didn't mind my editing and thank you for your pm.

Be kind to yourself angel.

Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Sssssss

absolutebounder wrote: »

The unconcious mind is black and white. Your concious mind isnt but then unlike the unconcious its not switched on all the time. Your unconcious mind is far more powerful and depression is a product of the unconcious. its a bit like smoking. conciously a smoker knows its bad for them. Unconciously the brain sees it as a protection against something eg stress.

ah but don't dreams come from the unconcoius mind which if it's b&w why do I have such weird dreams. For example the other day I dreamt all my new work colleagues hated me, but it's exactly the opposite I had a problem last friday with the big boss and my colleagues where really all very supportive.

Tiff_2

Hi donny!

I hope you're well, donny and that your dad is getting better.
I've had one or two further thoughts regarding your own situation hun, but please feel free to ignore them if you wish.

I remembered you said you had no washing machine angel. If you have the space and plumbing for one, you could join and browse thriough your local freecycle group. They give away items in very fair condition for free and you have to collect them. Might be worth a look.

I also remember you saying that you're on Income Support angel, and that means you can apply for a Community Grant, (non-repayable), and also for a Budgeting Loan. The DWP decide whether to give you a loan, they look at your circumstances and decide how much your repayments are going to be, and if you agree with the amount, it's deducted from your Income Support before you get it. It's much better than any doorstep lender because it's interest free and you can't fall behind on repayments.

Another thought I had was regarding the friends you've made, who have been so kind to you. You said dad and cat live in a bungalow. Now sorry if this is stating the obvious and I don't know your circumstances, but how about moving into your dad's bungalow for a few days while he is in hospital? This will enable you to be around some supportive friends for a couple of days, take care of your dad's cat, look after your dad's home, keep an eye on your dad's lovely cat and be able to get hold of anything dad might need. Plus you'll be able to keep dad's cat company, and after all, they do say that a change is as good as a rest. And did I mention the cat?

Just a couple of thoughts, hun. Take care.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx