What is the right thing to do?

FingersCrossed_2

My sister is going to be 21 tomorrow and I don't think I am going to get her a present. I am totally torn and keep changing my mind as to the right thing to do. Any advice or opinions would be helpful. A bit background...

I am the eldest of 4 and two of us are sensible and 'normal'. My brother and sister in between have both wandered down the wrong track a few times but luckily brother seems to be back to reality and slowly sorting himself out.

My sister however is just a disaster. She has been in to heavy drugs for years and I am not exaggerating when I say she's put us through hell. We've tried everything to help her but I really can't see beyond this. Without going in to the whole story (long and painful) I really feel it has got to a turning point the last year or so. She did something last year which I consider unforgivable and really sent my parents to the edge. The things she does to us are horrific and she clearly has no love for any of us. In fact, she goes out of her way to bring harm to the family.

She is currently living back with mum and dad and to keep the peace I am pleasant to her when I see her. However, we rarely speak now and as I live some miles away I really never see her. I used to stay over at mum and dads when I visited but can't face it now as I really can't deal with being around her. I know this sounds like i'm not helping but trust me - she has had every chance from me and more. Plus, she really hates me so it just ends up in her causing more upset.

So at Christmas I went up for the usual family get together. We are always all together for this one day and my elderly granny comes round for dinner. This year, sister didn't appear until late in the day (no idea where she was Christmas Eve). When she did she stayed for only a few minutes, opened her presents (big pile from each one of us) and left. Didn't stay for dinner and didn't give any of us as much as a Christmas card. Now i'm not materialistic but it is the thought the counts and she really hurt my parents and granny by making no effort. My mum and dad work so hard to make Christmas one day close to normality and she gave this no recognition. They have done so much for her and after what she put them through last year, I see this as the ultimate insult. We never get birthday cards or gifts from her, she takes no interest in any of our lives and just turns up every now and again to cause destruction and heartache.

So, back to the beginning. It's her 21st tomorrow and I really don't want to buy her a gift. I have a card for her and will drop it off. But I don't want to spend my money on something that will be unappreciated and probably sold for drugs. I did think this might upset my parents, but they too need to realise that there is only so many chances she can get. I am the one that always makes a big fuss for birthdays and Christmas and always get everyone a present. I put a lot of thought into things I buy and I just can't bring myself to so something kind for her and open myself up, once again, to more hurt. I know it might seem like a present or no present isn't that big a deal, but I think it is the symbolism of for the first time not getting her something.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I thinking about this too much? Should I just get something to keep the peace? Any thoughts, advice or opinions appreciated.

Thanks

Errata

The most important thing in a drug addicts life is their drug of choice - any thinking, any time, they have left over gets thinly spread around the rest of their life.
Buy her something very, very inexpensive - you'll feel better for it.

Janepig

FingersCrossed wrote: »

So at Christmas I went up for the usual family get together. We are always all together for this one day and my elderly granny comes round for dinner. This year, sister didn't appear until late in the day (no idea where she was Christmas Eve). When she did she stayed for only a few minutes, opened her presents (big pile from each one of us) and left. Didn't stay for dinner and didn't give any of us as much as a Christmas card. Now i'm not materialistic but it is the thought the counts and she really hurt my parents and granny by making no effort. My mum and dad work so hard to make Christmas one day close to normality and she gave this no recognition. They have done so much for her and after what she put them through last year, I see this as the ultimate insult. We never get birthday cards or gifts from her, she takes no interest in any of our lives and just turns up every now and again to cause destruction and heartache.

Just from reading this paragraph, I wouldn't even bother giving her a card, let alone a present!

Jxx

zara*elise

Why don't you get her a picture of you all when you were younger. You don't even have to put it in a frame. You could just say you're willing to forgive her if she can really prove to you she wants to change and treat you all like family again. It may be the thing that gets her thinking about what she's giving up. Make sure she knows this will be your last present to her if she continues being so selfish and unkind.

I really feel for you. Some people will just never change, but without sounding like a total pushover, you shoud be willing to forgive if she demonstrates she can change her ways. Sometime, tough love is the only answer. Maybe then she'll realise how much she's given up for drugs and drink.

xx

gone4gold62

hi fc i totally agree with what you are doing i too had the experience you are going through with a very close family member and i chose the tough love route after many years of trying , what kept me going was the thought that if id given my FM any thing they could sell and they bought drugs with the proceeds ,WHAT IF THAT TEN POUND BAG OF HEROIN WAS THE ONE THAT KILLED THEM i would never have been able to live with my self,its hard as you know please stay strong and hope that one day she comes to her senses but she will have to hit rock bottom to do this .good luck .my FM has been off heroin for 5 yrs thank god but not before they were in the gutter literally ,

FingersCrossed_2

Thanks all. These comments are helping - although i'm still undecided.

I'd love nothing more than for my sister to sort herself out and would totally put everything in the past. However, we have given her chance after chance and the things she does are just so horrific.

I have tried the family pictures, old movies we used to watch together, new clothes, days out, trips away etc etc. Nothing triggers any desire to change. She thinks that we are all horrible, nasty people. I think she actually has a serious mental illness, but that's another story.

My mum wanted to bring her down to visit - i've been here a year and a half and she has no idea where I live, what I do. She hasn't even met my OH of 2 years! But to be honest i'm kind of pleased there is some distance between us. That way, I can choose when to deal with her and limit the chances of maniacs turning up at my door after her telling them some horrific lies about me! I don;t think she would come but have told my mum no anyway. I just know she;d end up smashing the place, or stealing something or causing a scene with the neighbours.

Anyway, I digress. I think the card shows I acknowledge her birthday but no present shows I am not going to ignore the things she has been doing. But maybe something small and personal would show I still have hope for her recovery one day.

It's not the stuff she has done to me that is the hardest to forgive. It is the pain she causes to my parents, granny and brothers that hits the hardest. She can do things that seem close to evil and again I don't say that lightly.

Errata

no present shows I am not going to ignore the things she has been doing.

That's your head taking the lead

But maybe something small and personal would show I still have hope for her recovery one day.

And that's your heart taking the lead

Only you can know which should take the lead.

dora37

Sounds like whatever you do won't make a difference to her - so do what feels right for you.

Good luck.

fernliebee

Such a hard situation, wish you all the best with your decision. IMHO I would go with the card/ no present option. Acknowledging her birthday but not making out that everything is fine when it isn't.

Have you spoken to your parents? Are you close enough to them that you could say "look, I was thinking of not getting xx a present, what do you think?" If you can't decide, it might help you come to a decision knowing somebody close to the situation agrees with you.

belfastgirl23

I like Zara's suggestion of a framed photo - it can't be sold but it does say a lot....and sometimes big birthdays are times when people reflect a bit on their past and their future. This just might be something for her to reflect on....

But you're right to not go for anything that could be sold etc...and a card alone is probably enough if you don't want to go for the photo.

Paparika

Don't waste your time or money on her, she'll either die of her drug choice, or one day she will see sense and come to apologies to you all for her behaviour.

Yeah ok before the slanging matches against me start....

She chooses drugs, i bet her family have supported her and tried to help her and it hasn't worked, it's not the drugs thats making her do this all by themselves, she still has a choice.