What is the right thing to do?

chatnoir

Hi,

Having been the same situation with my older brother, I really feel for you.Sadly all you can do is nothing! I leant the hard way that there is nothing you can do or say to someone whose sole goal in life is to self destruct. My Brother, is selffish and arogant and thinks our family is purely there to serve him, he has got better over the past year or so as he had a little girl but he still doesn;t think about others when he says or does stuff. We went through a period of not talking to each other, after he went on a drug fueled rage and was physically abusive. But he has slowly got better mainly because my parents turfed him out and made him get by on his own! and that is what your parents need to do, she needs to stop relying on others...if she doesn't I'm afraid to say that she will become your brother and sisters burden when your parents are no longer around...as for her 21st, its a lose lose sitiaution...buy her present she won't care or appreciate it. Dont buy her a present you give her the excuse she wants to say..."he doesn't care"

I really wish you all the best with your sister, but if I was you I would just be there as a support for your parents so that they can have the strength to stand up to her. xox

SailorSam

LittleTinker wrote: »

Why dont you kick her while she is down?

I find that a really good way to push someone over the edge!

I think most of ue always try to be nice especially to our family and friends but sometimes you reach a point where you need to draw the line. There are some who will only ever take.

Girlzmum

We lost a family member to addiction 6 months ago and every time we talk about him his selfishness always comes up. You do reach a stage in your life where you need to detach emotionally before they completely destroy you - it is not kicking a person when they're down, it is about self preservation and not being dragged into their destructive cycle.

Primrose

As Girlzmum has pointed out, it is not kicking a person when they're down. The individual herself has put herself in that stage. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives and have no right to drag others down if we choose to press our own 'self-destruct' buttons. Anybody who has had long term contact with a family member who is an addict will sadly tell you that they can push you to the point of destruction. Most people in this situation will have tried everything they can think of before walking away, to bring somebody back from the brink. Sadly, in the end you are left with no other alternative but to walk away and let them take responsibility for themselves.

FingersCrossed_2

Sorry to hear about your loss Girlzmum. I think that is why my family put up with so much. Deep down we are all frightened that we are hard with her and then she dies. I've told her lots of times that she can never use the excuse that we don't love her. Although she still thinks we are all evil and nasty.

This has been going on for years and years with both my brother and sister. Thankfully brother seems to be on the way back from it but there is still that fear. Unfortunately I just can't see a future where my sister is sorted - although I obviously want that so much.

My mum and dad have thrown her out before but she always manages to somehow get back home. She behaves for a week or two and then it's back to 'normal'.

After the stuff that happened last year the family sat down together and decided they couldn't have her back home again. She was continuously putting everyone at risk and then there was an event that brought it all to a head. However, mum and dad agreed that they would still support her. They managed to keep her out of jail by getting a drugs worker for her and geting her in to supported accommodation locally. This seemed like the best chance for her to sort herself. However, within a couple of months she managed to convince my mum to let her back. Both my brother (the well behaved one) and dad begged her not to but she just did it anyway. She was 'good' for a week or two and is now back to the usual. It really has torn apart my family as there is constant pressure in the house.

Another long post - sorry. It is just good to speak to people that understand. So many people think it is down to my parents or that we should just switch off from it. It's just not that easy when it involves people you love.

Primrose

Fingerscrossed - it sounds as if your family has really been torn apart by your sister's behaviour and I can understand your collective fears that if you withdraw your support, it will end in your sister's eventual death. As we've heard from Girlzmum, that is often the sad reality of how things end up with addicts, even when they have had endless family support over many years. One of the most destructive issues from all this, is that those who die as a result of their addiction often still leave a legacy of guilt behind them in remaining family members who have no need to feel guilty when their own lives have been ruined in the process of trying to help. That is why I would encourage you and your family to develop a level of detachment from your sister's plight - not because you no longer love her, but because ultimately you cannot control what she does and how she behaves. If you've all done you whatever you possibly could to support her, walk away with your heads held high and try to ensure that you're not all pulled down into the abyss with her.

FingersCrossed_2

Thanks Primrose.

I really feel a level of detachment is the only way forward. I feel so much better being a good few miles away. It doesn't stop the worrying but it does mean I have a part of my life that is largely untouched by it.

I have tried to toughen up recently and I do feel it is the right way. I have never taken drugs so why should heroin be part of my daily life! I see my role as being the support to my parents and youngest brother. If I can help then get through this, then I know i've played my part.

view

A birthday card? Buy her a get out of jail card as that's where she's headed! Sorry to hear, good luck.

Girlzmum

FingersCrossed wrote: »

Thanks Primrose.

I really feel a level of detachment is the only way forward. I feel so much better being a good few miles away. It doesn't stop the worrying but it does mean I have a part of my life that is largely untouched by it.

I have tried to toughen up recently and I do feel it is the right way. I have never taken drugs so why should heroin be part of my daily life! I see my role as being the support to my parents and youngest brother. If I can help then get through this, then I know i've played my part.

The distance definately helps no end - my dad had the same addiction as the family member we lost and it was at its worst through my teens, I had to cut him out of my life completely until he moved away simply because I could not cope any more and it was affecting my health (emotionally and physically) He now lives in another country, I know that he still has relapses but I don't have to live with the day to day consequences - I know how selfish that sounds but if he lived here then I would have no relationship with him at all.

FingersCrossed_2

It doesn't sound selfish Girlzmum, in fact it is very brave. We deserve a life as much as our family members. It's just a shame that we don't have 'on' and 'off' switches for our feelings!