What is the right thing to do?

Savvy_Sue

If you haven't already, you may find it useful to contact Fam-Anon.

shirlgirl2004

I have a sister that is best left alone too. It's time for you to stop making the effort. Live your life and enjoy the rest of your family. Only by leaving her alone (as far as is possible) to make her own mistakes will you start to get over the hurt she has caused. She may or may not turn her life around at some point, but either way she'll do it when she's ready and it won't have anything to do with if you buy her pressies.

annifranakapan

This is a horrible situation for you and I can fully understand your anger and frustration with your sister, her behaviour and the effects it is all having on your family. However, I feel that you should give her a card and perhaps a small token gift such as chocolates, flowers or toiletries. Something that is not of great monetary value but that shows that despite her own poor behaviour you are acting in the correct manner.

I know your sister probably won't appreciate it but, believe me, your mother will.

I know things must be horrendeous for you all (I really do - I'm just not prepared to explain how here), but honestly the effects will be even worse for your parents. By giving your sister a present (in the same way you would to other family members) it will reassure your Mum that you are being supportive of her efforts to help your sister - no matter how much you disagree with them.

It's really obvious from your post that you're a loving and kind person who cherishes their family and loves them deeply - and underneath all the hurt I bet you still love your sister too.

Addiction, whether to drugs or drink is so destructive to both the addicts and their families. I really hope that your family can find some way of coming through this without too many scars.

Take care. I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs.

Annifranakapan x

Paparika

FingersCrossed wrote: »

Thanks again guys - this is helping.

I do speak to my parents about it and I am very close to my youngest brother. He is still at home so he has it the hardest as can't escape from it. It is difficult with my parents, especially my mum. She makes a lot of excuses for my sister - 'she's trying really hard' or 'she's been good recently'. We are all trying to cope in our own way and mum copes by burying her head in the sand a lot of the time. This causes more friction as there is no joint approach from her and my dad. Dad would be harder but then he gets sucked in too as sister is the master at telling lies. It has cost them their relationship as there marriage is totally damaged by this. After last year the family decided she couldn't live there again as she;d done such terrible things. They continued to support her and she was in supported accommodation with a drugs worker after making a lucky escape from a possible jail sentence. Within a few weeks she told my mum some fabricated sob story and once again my mum let her back home. Again, this has totally damaged my mum and dads relationship with my youngest brother as they 'choose' her over him all the time. They aren't protecting him and he is the victim.

I asked my youngest bro what he was getting her and he said 'same as she got me for Christmas - nothing'. Again, he's not materialistic but like me hates the way she is so dismissive of my parents efforts. And I think every Christmas with my 85 year old granny should be cherished no matter what states we're in as a family!!!

I like the photo idea but know for a fact it will end up under a pile of rubbish in her room or something. That will just hurt me more.

I think i'll give her the card and not a present. She got lots from me for Christmas which eases the guilt a bit. And I guess that;s all i;m trying to do - ease my guilt and not upset the family.

Looks like this has turned in to me seeking a counselling session rather than the answer to a simple question. Thanks guys. Sometimes these things just need to come out I guess.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about.

FingersCrossed_2

Thanks all,

I did give a lot of thought to the small token gift. However, I wonder if that will make it worse. It will give her another excuse to bad mouth me 'all my sister got me was a box of chocolates' kind of thing. I think i'll pass on the card and if anyone questions it i'll say i'll offer to take her out for coffee and lunch. That way I can explain to her why i've made this decision if she decides to make the effort to spend time with me. It also means that I don't have any expectations. I have offered to take her out loads of times and she often doesn't turn up (even after i've made huge trips). So i'll leave it open to her. If she makes the effort to meet up and talk i'll be there for her and will treat her to a bite to eat. If she doesn't make the effort i've acknowledged her birthday, made an offer of spending time together to keep my parents happy and not caused any big drama about not giving her anything.

I'm travelling over today to drop the card off (170 mile round trip) and see the family. If she's there i'll make the offer in person.

Thanks for all your kind words. It's terrible to think others have been through or are going through this. But it is a comfort to know i'm not the only one.

LittleTinker - you are entitled to your opinion of course but your comment didn't help. Kind of feels like you are kicking me while I am down!

onetomany

hi i used to take drugs about 18 years ago i no all i cared about was where the next fixed was comming from, my sister was also a addict, (shes now dead thro drugs) she did some bad things to me but i know it was the addict talking/doing not the sister i knew, we tryied everything to help her rehab, prison etc, please rember when you get this bad you must hate yourself so muchto risk dying everytime you take stuff, its not that you dont care about anyone else, its you just dont no how to handdle things without turning to drugs, addiction is a metal illness, im sure you are doing the right thing

BartGirl

Fingers crossed - am just posting to find out how you got on with the Birthday Card yesterday.

I too have a family member who died thru an addicition. We as a family tried absolutely everything to help her out but it was a sorry state of affairs because although she wanted to 'get clean' she was also reliant on her addiction to get thru each day - she openly admitted this - and it was so so hard to see her like that..she could not see life without the addiction and so it took her life eventually.
Like you we did everything but I was fed up of the situation and stopped bothering with her. Completely. She died 3 months after i made that decision. I think that all you can do is 'be there for them' like your parents are already doing..but dont go out of your way cos it ends up wearing you down..

Wishing you and your family all the best. You sound like a strong bunch..

Mely

I agree with Errata...buy her something inexpensive to give with your card. I really do feel for you and your family xxxx

Primrose

You have been put in a horrible dilemma and I hope you decided to go the 'card but no present' option. Having an addict of any kind in the family is devastingly damaging to all concerned and I think you should try and persuade your parents to encourage your sister to leave home before she totally destroys their marriage. It is also unfair that your brother should be forced to live in an environment where she is calling all the shots and being rewarded for her bad behaviour. Nobody can change your sister. She's now old enough to start taking responsibility for herself. Divorce yourself from her before she wrecks your life too and tell her that you will be happy to renew contact when she is clean again. This sounds harsh but anybody who has had to deal with an addict will tell you how destructive they can be to family life. The rest of you need to work together and support each other in taking a common line that she is welcome to be part of the family if she reforms. If not, she should move out and live her own life without wrecking yours. I hope you enjoy your family visit. Don't let your sister spoil it. Adicts ruin things for everybody eventually if you allow them to.

skintchick

I'd giver her a card and a small box of luxury chocolates and don;t worry if she badmouths you over it. You will feel right over it, which is important.