What is the right thing to do?

allIcouldwishfor

Fingerscrossed - I don't think you should be worrying about her badmouthing you over getting her a token gift, you shouldn't feel like you have to justify it to anyone. I'm sure anyone whose opinion counts already has the measure of her anyway. Good luck.

scrimpingbadger

My brother had a very bad drug problem for years. The problem is the drugs make them totally selfish and wipes away any personality they used to have. I found it very hard to be around my brother (I was late teens/early twenties at the time) but stayed pleasant for my parents sake. I was angry with him such a lot of the time because it seemed all we ever talked about was him and his problems. He used to hang around my school's gates waiting for me to come out so he coupld 'borrow' some money (until his giro came through....). I felt a lot of shame for so many reasons.
Anyway - I came to the decision not really to have much more contact with him when I was about 22. He died about 12 months later (not of a overdose but a drug related situation). I feel sad but have no regrets. I could do nothing for him and the sort of help I was able to offer him was not the sort of help he felt he needed (he basically wanted a hotel and free money) I hope that doesn't sound too bitter.
With presents, we knew they'd be sold before the end of the day for a score. But we still gave them, hoping he would see we still thought of him and cared. To his credit, he always tried to give us presents (though largely shoplifted...) He had no harm in him but I just couldn't deal with it. And I feel sad about that.
I'd send her a card so she knows you care. It's a heartbreaking and frustrating situation for you. You have my every sympathy.

Smashing

I hope you opted for the card, no present. I wouldn't want to give her anything that could be sold for drug money.

redwineguzzler

Hi there,

I think a card alone is justifiable, it shows you are thinking of her, don't waste your money on a present, if she's that fuddled on drugs, she won't appreciate the time, thought and money on a present anyway.
XX

suki1964

All I have to offer you is that no matter what you or your family do - you cant change her, only she can.

So do what YOU need to do - thats all you can do

newty428

I just wanted to send you big hugs, you are obviously cut up about this situation.
I make you right about just getting her a card. I don't think that she will be bothered either way, she won't beat herself up about it like you are. Stop worrying about whether you are doing the right thing or not, she hasn't stopped to think about how much pain she has caused all these years. I think your life will be so much happier without having to think about her.
Drugs are evil and ruin complete families, it is highly unlikely if she has been on drugs for a long time that she will change.
Sorry if I seem mean but I have seen how drugs can rip a family apart.
x

FingersCrossed_2

Thanks everyone.

It's sad to think others go through this and appreciate you for sharing your stories.

I went up on Friday and just took a card. I gave it to my dad to pass on to my sister. However, ended up bumping into her unexpectedly later on. I gave her a hug and wished her happy birthday. She was quite nice actually and I started to feel guilty but didn't say anything about not giving her a present. Wasn't an appropriate time or place to discuss.

So was feeling bad but then later spoke to my dad again (I visited all over that day) and he said sister had been a nightmare recently - disappearing, hanging about with the 'old crowd' etc. When she arrived home later that night my brother said she was in a mood again and yelling at everyone. Plus, I could totally tell there's been stuff happening that I haven't been told. Usual story!

I'm glad that I went up and that I acknowledged her birthday with a card, I am also glad that I seen her and was pleasant. I always tell her that I love her and want her to sort herself out. Even if we argue I always end the conversation telling her I love her. So she knows how I feel. I think i'll just not mention not getting her a present unless someone raises it.

I don;t feel strong enough to talk about the whole situation yet. But what has been said on here really has helped. It is so difficult to deal with someone you love destroying themselves and destroying everyone you love too. It feels like you are always having to choose a 'side'.

Thanks again all. My thoughts are with those suffering similarly. I really hope there comes a day when drugs aren't part of my family's life.

x

Primrose

You've done the right thing and handled it well so as the week progresses and your memory continues to drift back to it, as it usually does in such circumstances, tell yourself that you hit the right balance. It's sad that your family is still suffering as a result of your sister's behaviour, but until they are strong enough to have a united front and ask your sister to leave home until she has sorted herself out, there's little more you can do. All of us who've had to deal with addiction of any sort in a family environment will tell you that ultimately you have to be cruel to be kind, because condoning unacceptable behaviour only allows the individual to carry on in the same manner indefinitely. Yes, sometimes you do have to choose. It's very hard but sometimes your own sanity and well being has to come first.

onetomany

well done hun im proud of you

summerday

It must be really hard to have a drug addict as a family member, she has clearly hurt you all in many ways. I think just a card is the best thing, as it shows you've thought of her, but in all honesty she probably won't appreciate anything you buy for her so it's just pouring money down the drain. Hopefully one day she will have the desire and drive to change her life, but there's not much you can do until that day comes. You sound like a level headed, thoughtful person, I bet that makes things a bit easier for your parents that they have you to help them with the situation and also that not all their children turned out like your sister thankfully.