Cooking for other people phobia

lovethymini

This is a very interesting thread.

I've been terrible at getting my head around cooking for others, and have always bought ready made when having people round - and I even worried about getting that right!

Just recently though, I've improved just a teeny bit;- having a baby led to buying some really basic cookbooks and - I've really enjoyed doing some cooking recently; baby loves his homemade food which gave me confidence and hubby is always full of praise (bless).

I think my problem is likely to have stemmed from childhood, where I lost all my self confidence due to various family problems.

I actually came online to try and find a recipe for a pudding for tomorrow night - going to a friend's for dinner and she's asked me to take afters :eek: Been fretting all night, tempted to admit defeat and go to Waitrose for a chocolate roulade in the morning

Big hug to those of you finally reaching out for help with a problem that's been shadowing you for years.

lovethymini x

dronid

I'm quite a good cook but I really appreciate having someone else to cook for me. Remember if people are friends they'll appreciate everything you do. Don't EVER feel like it's a competion (unless it IS a competition). Cookery is creative and the more you do it, the better you get.:T

elizabunny

Hi Sumo52 and all other posters here who have problems cooking for others. I really feel for you all because I am the same. If it's any help, I have found over the years, that the more I make myself cook for people other than the immediate family, the easier it seems to become.

I think my problems started back in my school days -a long time ago now, but our Domestic Science Teacher was fanatical about cleanliness. We were not allowed to cough, sniff or sneeze and if you took your hankie out of your pocket you had to wash your hands thoroughly etc. etc. I in turn became a bit fanatical about cooking and cleanliness and as we now have two rather large dogs, we always have problems with dog hairs everywhere no matter how much I hoover. So on cooking days -its dogs out of the kitchen and a good wipe down of all surfaces before I start.

I'm not a confident cook but I always get a big thrill when someone says they like something I've made. My biggest achievement was to cook some of the food for a party we were having for 80 friends and family -but I might not attempt this again:eek: I also would never have the confidence to cook for the 'W I' or similar because their produce is usually sold to strangers and I don't think my efforts or confidence are up to this.

Maybe you could just start very slowly and do something small for a friend, this will allow your confidence to grow. Personally though, I would never cook for anyone other than the immediate family if it stressed me out too much and I would buy in ready made and allow DH to give me a hand serving it up. Hope this helps and good luck.

Sharra

Hi, you've had some great advice already. I just wanted to say that I sympathise with you. I have similar phobias and anxieties and have to (try to) stop myself feeling a failure because of them.
But I have made some progress by seeing a great counsellor. She has used some cognitive behaviour therapy with me which is sposed to work really well for these kinds of things. It involves learning to challenge the negative self talk we all do and to take baby steps towards bigger challenges. For example..
step 1 - invite a friend round and serve them coffee and biscuits, repeat a few times until you don't feel to anxious about it,
step 2 invite a friend round and make them some toast, repeat a few times etc
step 3 invite a friend round and make them beans on toast, repeat a few times etc
and go on from there.

If you can possibly afford it, I would try and find a suitable counsellor - sometimes all it takes is someone who you have faith in, to say 'of course you can make that first step' to give you the courage to try. One of my counsellor's favourite sayings is 'you don't have to like doing it, you just have to do it' - and that helps me a lot.

On a more immediate level - if you can possibly tell your family it would be a good idea. If you explain to them and they have an issue with it, then it then becomes their problem not yours. And you may well find they are suprisingly supportive.

lilac_lady

I saw a tv item once when people were coming clean about things they had done. There was a woman who had the reputation of being the best cook in the neighbourhood, best Mom (it was an American mother) for producing cookies, cakes etc.

She went on tv and admitted that she bought everything. She took the food out of the tins and packets before anyone saw it, messed it around a little then served it. Her best tip for baking was to buy the items and cut them up unevenly so that no-one would guess that they were shop bought.

Hmmmmmmmmm.........

MikeyMacbeth

Sumo, I used to have real problems with socialising (still do a bit - but can contain it now). The method I used to overcome it was a bit extreme - I joined a local am dram company and started acting!

Now I wouldn't recommend that you dive in the deep end to that extent and start writing in to "come dine with me" , but maybe it's a question of building confidence in stages (actually what I did in the Theatre company : started non-speaking , then "bit" parts, then major roles...hence the handle!)

So maybe by stages:-

1. pack family off for a night out so you are on your own - try a few of the super recipes previously posted on this site - all for yourself! (you could extend a virtual/imaginary invite to the film/pop/tv celeb of your choice if you want to get a feel of entertaining someone) - this is a special night where you entertain yourself so indulge! - don't worry if you don't succeed at first - you can always do another dry run! - don't panic about wasting food here, your self confidence is the important thing here, think of it as being a training course you have to pay for!, plus of course most things will freeze or can be used up on the family...do this a few times (or have a saturday cookathon?!) will also get you used to the idea of being busy and concentrating in the kitchen
2. next time do a family special dinner/tea - again the recipes don't have to be complex - you know what your family likes so pleasing them is easier.
3. Is there a work colleague/neighbour you are friendly with? you could "improvise" a carefully prepared in advance "spontaneous" meal - all chefs cheat! - get a bottle of wine in and concentrate on the conversation/having fun for yourself - I've never yet in 5 years of hosting the family Christmas meal managed not to mess up the Turkey in some way! this year it wasn't defrosted despite 2 days in the fridge from the freezer - I did the rest of the buffet stuff for lunch and Turkey Sarnies for all as we sat down to Doctor Who (10 of family & firends in all) Everyobody has a great laugh with "what's Mike going to do to the turkey this year" type comments! I'll fox 'em next year and serve up chicken nuggets:rotfl:

Basically as previous posters have suggested - I think it's "nerves" rather than a lack of ability to cook - having friends/family round to eat is always in my book "having friends round" . The grub is a bonus really, it's all about the craic as they say!

Why not get the family to help out? set up the kitchen "A-Team" then you can all support each other and maybe learn new skills as well?

If anyone has a go at my cooking or entertaining out of sheer nastiness/snobbishness then the answer is simple - they just don't get invited back! especially if I hear later and they haven't the b%$s to say it to my face without a smile on theirs! ... and amazingly, despite being once described as the Eddie the Eagle of the Culinary art - It's never happened:-)

Good luck - you can do it!

PS definitely didn't try the Royle Family way of defrosting the turkey in case anyone's wondering!

LameWolf

MikeyMacbeth wrote: »

Sumo, I used to have real problems with socialising (still do a bit - but can contain it now). The method I used to overcome it was a bit extreme - I joined a local am dram company and started acting!

Before I get into the "lightbulb moment" bit, I have to reply to Mikey. I used to do am dram, and had no problems at all with that - because I was being the character, not being me. I can do Shakespeare til the cows come home (if there's a Shakespeare character who's in a wheelchair LOL) but I can't just stand up and talk on a subject I know well, even if my life depended on it.

Anyway.... back to the Lightbulb. I'd just gone to bed and was thinking about this thread.... I wonder if at the back of all our minds, unacknowledged, is the thought "what if it's not as good as their mother/gran/wife/girlfriend/husband/flatmate/fairy godmother makes?" Or maybe "what if they don't like it?" It's a thought.... especially as I do remember that anything, but anything, that I ever put in front of my father was never right (according to him). Hadn't thought about that in years.:eek:

The other thought is that feeding someone is a bit, well, sort of intimate. And I wonder if those of us who tend to keep other folk at arms length have a wee problem with this aspect.

Anyway, none of the above is a definitive answer, it's just the Wolf having a bout of insomnia and hoping to do something useful with it.:o

MikeyMacbeth

LameWolf wrote: »

Before I get into the "lightbulb moment" bit, I have to reply to Mikey. I used to do am dram, and had no problems at all with that - because I was being the character, not being me. I can do Shakespeare til the cows come home (if there's a Shakespeare character who's in a wheelchair LOL) but I can't just stand up and talk on a subject I know well, even if my life depended on it.

You're right of course - we are all actors who strut our hour upon the stage...that's in some ways the way your (fellow insomniac!) looks at life - We all play different roles to different people, and a completely separate one to ourselves...what's philosophically (solipsisticaly?) important to myself is that I'm aware of that - make sense? and yep, I did a reasonable hash at Shakespeare - but ask me to talk about what I do for living and its "sort of like this, only more like that ...."


[qoute=LameWolf;17151773]
The other thought is that feeding someone is a bit, well, sort of intimate. And I wonder if those of us who tend to keep other folk at arms length have a wee problem with this aspect.

Anyway, none of the above is a definitive answer, it's just the Wolf having a bout of insomnia and hoping to do something useful with it.:o[/quote]

Can see that ... dependency thing? I don't know, I'm a control freak in a lot of ways here...like to do the cooking for us/others for maybe different reasons - prove I can maybe...just in this small and definite thing at least that I can do!

There's a lot of rubbish out there (look up Sturgeons Law for the exact percentage) and I think a lot of people, myself included, who are terrified that they might not be able to do something simple and real as cook a meal as their parents, or parent's parents could, simply because of the media / modern life , it's been hyped to a fare-thee-well as being difficult/complicated. Life's quite simple really to me when I put my sensible head on : breath in, breath out - see what happens next...

dronid

LameWolf wrote: »

I wonder if at the back of all our minds, unacknowledged, is the thought "what if it's not as good as their mother/gran/wife/girlfriend/husband/flatmate/fairy godmother makes?" Or maybe "what if they don't like it?" It's a thought.... especially as I do remember that anything, but anything, that I ever put in front of my father was never right (according to him). Hadn't thought about that in years.:eek:

The other thought is that feeding someone is a bit, well, sort of intimate. And I wonder if those of us who tend to keep other folk at arms length have a wee problem with this aspect.

Well I know a lot of people who say their food isn’t as good as X, be it family or friends. And I am frequently horrified by the treatment some parents dole out in the name of good parenting. My father, unfortunately, was never particularly attentive and seemed to always be surprised when I achieved anything. Essentially he never thought I was any good. Fortunately I have a hugely inflated ego:D and was always darn sure I was better than that. Now that I’m older I can see that he’s put a lot of what he felt about himself on me. He’s pretty hopeless and I’m somewhat surprised what he’s done over his life as he’s pretty much bimbled through it.:rolleyes:

What I’m saying is that a lot of time people dump their own inadequacies on others as a matter of course. As an adult we have far more choice about whether we accept that rubbish being dumped on us. When we’re younger we are far more susceptible to taking things as truth, from family, ‘friends’, partners etc. The difficult thing is to then, subsequently rid ourselves of the baggage that we’ve been loaded with.

The fact that we’re able to communicate about this now does show that we’re all able to deal with it in some way. Make it a start.

MikeyMacbeth you’re right – cookery is often seen to be difficult and being told you’re wrong all the time is not helpful either. Being told that you must cook by the media and then being told that you can’t cook, sometimes by the same media is just there to make activity look like news.

As an aside I just got Delia’s Frugal Food for Christmas. I’ve rarely seen a book to be less frugal in my life. :mad: The recipes never seem to be simple or even familiar dishes,:mad: there are loads of wasted pages:mad: :mad: and there’s almost nothing about leftovers:mad: :eek::mad: . If I gave it to a general OSer they’d laugh at it. If this is supposed to reassure people about cooking and eating their own food then we are in a very sorry state.

Cookery should be tolerable. If you enjoy it, it can be a pleasure. If not it’s a means to an end. Either way it shouldn’t fill anyone with dread.

sumo52

Once again, thank you all so much for the advice and support. I honestly feel better already, but not enough to cook for anyone other than my husband yet. I have admitted to my husband, son and daughter about my fears and they really do understand (my husband less so). I haven't told my husband about this thread but I might just direct him to it in an effort to get him to understand my feelings more and for him to understand I'm not the only person in the world like this.