Cooking for other people phobia

dronid

Phobias tend to stem from major or frequent trauma in the past. Often it’s related to family history. A friend of mine would not eat tomatoes (unless they were in things like Bolognese) or eggs (unless baked in things) and wouldn’t touch spices of any kind. She became a lodger and we worked through some of the issues. I’m pleased to say she eats spices and curries – indeed after one accident with some over spicing at a party she ended up enjoying one of the spicier dishes that was beyond a number of guests. She now seems to be able to cope better with tomatoes. Still not solved the eggs but patience is the key.

Some analysis is always helpful as it can help you pin down the problem.

Do you have guests from time to time or do you not invite people round at all?
If you don’t invite people round and they turn up, do you invite them in or turn them away?
Can you serve drinks to guests that you haven’t ‘made’ i.e. water, lemonade etc?
Can you serve drinks that you have made to guests i.e. squash, tea coffee?
Can/have you served pre-made nibbles to guests? Nuts, crisps etc?
Can/have you served pre-made food to guests? Quiche, pizza etc?
Could your partner do the serving up?

If the answer is yes near the top of the list then it sounds like your phobia is more social. Further down the list there is something more about what you’re doing (i.e. catering) rather than the fact that you’re dealing with people you wouldn’t normally do.
Do the family know you have this phobia? I would assume not, given you’ve said you feel you appear deceitful and unfriendly due to it.

If it is a self-esteem issue as you think it might be, it’s never too late to start to deal with it. As is, you’re talking about it to us which will help in some way. You’re obviously intelligent and articulate (and better with your spelling than I probably am – yes I used a spellcheck) so you’re already doing better than you might think. If you’re finding you’re coming out with excuses it might be wise to suggest telling them the truth. Particularly since you have with us already. Certainly, if you have a good relationship with your son it might be worthwhile talking to him about it. For him it might explain a lot.

It’s great that you’re looking to try and get through the problems this is causing you. Wishing you the best of luck and we’re here if you need to talk stuff through.

mummysaver

Sumo, hi there, I have no experience of not being able to cook for other people, so I'm not sure how much use my advice might be! I just wanted to say that as you do have this phobia then you are already taking a huge step having your son and his partner to stay.

Get in some ready prepared party food for buffet style meals, if you don't want to "cook" it then perhaps your husband could pop it into the oven for you. Lots of ready prepared stuff around at the moment which will keep in your freezer for ages.

Is it possible that you could make some food and pop it into the freezer so it only needed reheating, things like lasagnes, shepherds pie, chillis? That way you wouldn't actually have to cook it when people were around you.

Takeaways or eating out are other options, though probably not feasible for the entire visit, especially for things like breakfast! I'm sure that your son would be quite happy to make his own toast or cereal though.

Perhaps a look at the meal planning thread might give you some ideas on meals that you could adapt so that they involved no actual cooking when people were visiting, things like soup can be made and frozen or simple bought in a can, served with crusty bread makes a filling and simple lunch.

The only other suggestion I have is to tell your family that you find it incredibly stressful cooking for other people, and ask for volunteers, perhaps you could do the washing up instead? I often end up cooking at other people's houses, often because they hate cooking, and I'd never be offended about someone not wanting to cook for me or being asked to help out, as others have said, people visit for your company, not for your home cooked food!

Good luck xx

LameWolf

I was interested to read Dronid's post. I certainly fall in the first category mentioned; I will move heaven and earth NOT to have people round, and if they were to turn up unannounced, I'd make some excuse about just being on my way out or something.

dronid

Lamewolf, it sounds like you have a bit of a past from your previous message. It’s great that you have an outlet on here. I have said it before (and will certainly say it again) on here that I’m impressed and sometimes astonished at how many people on there are happy to socialise, chat and support each other. In many ways this site is as important (if not more important) in that aspect as it is in the moneysaving aspect.

Have you deliberately tried to fly in the face of your fears at all? I mean have you arranged for a friend (ideally someone who knows and understands your phobia) to visit, just so you can pick apart your feelings regarding the situation. It might put you in control of the fear particularly being able to verbalise it with someone you trust who you’ve invited round? My partner has had a social phobia and one of the main things he found useful was to put himself in control rather than react to others invitations to socialise - which would often leave him in a panic.

LameWolf

Thanks for your post Dronid.

Unfortunately, I do not have anyone I can ask for help with this phobia; I have lived in MK for 6 and a half years, and still do not know anyone here. I am estranged from my family - they don't even know where I live, a situation I am in no hurry to change - and my only friend from previous times lives 40 miles away and not able to visit me because of her own personal commitments (plus affording petrol for an 80 mile round trip). Ironically I can no longer visit her, even with my husband in tow, as I can no longer manage the 12 steep steps up to her house.

I have tried coping with one of my husband's pals visiting, (a harmless, if irritating individual who lives alone and has few social skills himself - yeah, I know, POT - KETTLE - BLACK) but found it so traumatic that I just couldn't go through it again.:eek: My husband has said we ought to take pity on the chap again soon, and I said I'd try.... some time. Can't face it, though.

I did see a poster for a group for social phobics in the GP waiting room, but my reaction to that was HELLO...... if I could even contemplate attending such a group, I wouldn't need the group in the first place!!

My husband is a wonderful man, and always eats everything I put in front of him.... so I'm wondering why on earth I still feel so worried about cooking for him? I have a theory that it's to do with the fact that for a couple of years, before I moved here, I "shared a house" with my ex, which meant a "meal" for me entailed dashing into the kitchen when he wasn't around, grabbing something from the fridge (usually a lump of cheese) and scarpering. I dunno, it's a working theory.

I think a forum like this makes it easier in some ways, as no-one knows who you "really" are - they only know your user name, so there's that degree of anonymity.

Uh, oh, longer post than I intended. Sorry if anyone's dozed off by now.:o

dronid

I wouldn’t think many would doze off at that post so I wouldn’t worry!:D

It’s a shame you don’t know anyone around you (mind you if there’s a better definition of a social phobia…) and I’m not sure your husband’s needy (and I’ll put that in there myself) friend would help much. It’s not about him feeling sorry for anyone it’s about you wanting someone round for a chat. Is there an Oldstyle group in Milton Keynes? Do they meet up occasionally and have you chatted to them. At least they wouldn’t be strangers – so much. And you’re obviously able to deal with people otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned your gas engineers so glowingly!

I think with that flash of your past for us, you might have put your finger on a cause of the problem. On the other hand you’re able to talk (or write) about it here which is good.

I love the idea for a social phobic group! It’s like a gala luncheon for anorexics or a skydiving lesson for agoraphobics. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Still it’s a nice idea that someone thought of it.:D

Sumo52 also seems to have some issues regarding self-esteem which probably stem from a past issue.

Sumo52 have you discussed these issues with anyone before or have you avoided talking about it.

Really we need a problem board, don’t we! Does anyone know of one on moneysavingexpert? Somewhere to really offload and get advice from people who’ve been in the same position.

skintchick

I don;t have this phobia but I do get incredibly nervous and upset cooking for other people.

I can just about manage it for two guests if it is somethingI can cook in advance like chilli, but otherwise I get so stressed I want to cry.

I would just do a buffet if possible, or get hubby to cook, or get a takeaway.

Or what about a bring and share where everyone brings some food to share? That way you don;t have to cook at all.

LameWolf

dronid wrote: »

Is there an Oldstyle group in Milton Keynes? Do they meet up occasionally and have you chatted to them. At least they wouldn’t be strangers – so much. And you’re obviously able to deal with people otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned your gas engineers so glowingly!

No group locally that I'm aware of; anything I attempt to attend would have to be do-able by mobility scooter, but I've not heard about anything at all.

Re the gas engineers; I make sure they come when it's a day my husband is working from home (this happens when he's on early shift) so I don't have to cope alone. It's somewhat easier for me in that it's a husband-and wife, not two blokes, or I think I'd panic even with my husband there.

Oh boy, am I a head case??:eek::eek::eek:

Sumo52 you've started something here Maybe we'll get ourselves sorted out eventually.

EDIT: Not sure if it's significant, but I can't have my husband in the kitchen when I'm serving up, or I get very shaky and risk dropping things.

oystercatcher

I'm not sure I have a phobia but I HATE cooking for people who aren't family.
My mother was/is the same. Some of it stems from being brought up vegetarian/heath food etc and feeling that what we had was weird and no-one would like it. I'm still quite fussy about what I eat even though it's not terribly healthy now.
I'm a terrible social phobic as well. Never go on the work days out etc...far too scary! In fact many many years ago I even took a day off sick to avoid going out for a meal with colleagues who wouldn't take no for an answer.
Now I'm happy eating out with family although I am quite fussy about what I'll eat.
One of the problems with my first marriage was that XH used to want to entertain work collegues, sometimes with no notice, he couldn't understand why I hated it (and he never helped!)

Anyway my way of coping with visitors is to buy loads of ready made stuff, preferably for a buffet type salad quiche rolls type meal. Then I don't have too much hassle and people can choose what they like. Drawback is it's costly! We don't have visitors very often though so it's OK for us.

Hope you find a way to manage as it's good to have family round ...don't worry about other visitors yet.

Lame Wolf...MK is quite near here...we could scare each other :eek: :eek: !!!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Oystercatcher

LameWolf

oystercatcher wrote: »

Lame Wolf...MK is quite near here...we could scare each other :eek: :eek: !!!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Hmmmm ...... A Socially Phobic Veggie Society..... I like the sound of that.:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Oh yes, that reminds me, when I was working, I used to take Annual Leave to avoid the works Xmas "do".