It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

brila

recovering spendaholic: I was in a very similar position to your daughter and my mum changed the locks and put all my stuff in the garage. It was a bit of a shock but was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. After a couple of months of whining I discovered the real cost of living, having rented a place (with bills!) and been unable to afford it. I moved into the garage for six months, sold all my stuff, saved like mad and then went travelling having paid my family a lump sum for renting the garage and having scrounged so shamefully for years. I came back several years wiser with a trade and more of an idea of my place in the grand scheme of things (ie not the centre!). Be strong, she may thank you (some time) later.

elizabunny

Just a little update. I feel as if I have been moaning all week ......sorry:o It's just that DS2 has now received a call re: his x-ray, to tell him that YES the foot he has been struggling around on for the past 2 weeks and 2 days is indeed fractured and his GP wants to discuss the options with him. Great!and what a ridiculously crazy situation. DS2 is due home friday to have stitches removed from an unrelated op. -can't see him being too thrilled if the options include having the break reset and plastered:eek: . He usually (when fit enough) walks a 5 mile round trip too and from work everyday, because he would have to change tube too many times to get where he is going. Life just gets more complicated:mad: I'm sure my pessimism is down to this chest infection I've picked up I'm usually quite upbeat.

Anyway on a much brighter note it's St Patricks Day so Happy St. Ps.Day to all those celebrating. DH is from Ireland I am making a special dinner tonight for us and DS1 and his OH are coming over to enjoy it with us. Off to sort out a pud now

mummysaver

Afternoon everyone!

Just had a lovely water bill and council tax bill yesterday - sometimes I feel like the little Dutch boy trying to plug the dam with his finger lol! Still can't do a whole lot about the cost of either really, and they are part of the budget, but still.........

On the bright side I found several reduced bits at work last night, all for pennies, included some prepared veg (okay for SC and soup, but not sure that I'd want to eat it as it is, prepared veg just never looks very fresh?), pancakes (for when I run out of time to make them for dd3 in the morning) and bagels - dd1's favourite!

The store cupboard is working really well. I'm finding that by buying several of items I use a lot when they are on offer, or reduced and freezable, then they seem to last till the next good offer. I have lots of butter from the recent offers, a friend opened my fridge last week and just stood staring! Didn't like to tell him about the rest of the butter that I'd already put in the freezer! I have a selection of pastas and plenty of sugar and UHT milk. I just need to get more supplies of flour now, down to the last couple of bags of bread flour, and s/r and plain as well, plenty of wholemeal still, and other assorted specialist type ones! Need to have a search for the cheapest, seems like 68p is the standard for bread flour at the mo though!

To those who have children old enough to pay for their keep, I fully believe that the children should contribute as reasonable amount. My children all know that they will one day pay rent if they are still living at home - in the same way that they all have to contribute by doing chores now, we all live here and we are all responsible. They aren't always thrilled about doing assorted jobs, but they do do them, they all know how to load the wm, fill the bm, hoover, mop, make beds, and cook, etc. Good luck to all of you thrashing out agreements though, I'm sure it isn't at all easy.

[Deleted User]

RS I have sent you a pm

has anyone heard from happytails? I would really love to know about her baby

p00

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

You dont 'have to' pay her phone bill or anything else when she's working do you really. My children stopped getting pocket money when they started their paper rounds. They paid board from the day they started work. They now all have good jobs, houses of their own and few debts and no overdrafts. They have never resented having to help financially.

It is not cruel to make children pay their way and at 18 they arent children anyway. Just tell her if she doesnt like contributing and paying her own bills she can always rent her own place instead. Be a bit harder and stop feeling guilty.

xxp00

Rummer

Recovering Spendaholic, I agree with a lot of the the other posters, you need to change the locks and out yourself first. Not easy I know but she needs to learn the value of money and to see how well looked after she has been. Take care and I send a huge (((((hug)))))

the_cat

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

RS
You have my greatest sympathy in dealing with this problem. It must be very draining, especially as you are unwell.

As tough as it sounds I agree with the others. Your DD needs to step up and act like the adult she now is, not a tantruming 2 year old. The best thing you could do for her is to stop this now while she is still young. The longer she gets away with it the more she will think that 'life' owes her and expect this treatment for ever more, both from you and others. This is not fair to you and it is not fair to her either. She needs to learn adult responsibilities.

So time for tough love. She either plays the game or moves out. The only reason she throws a strop is that she knows it will work. Try to work out a plan you would be happy with and put it to her when she is calm, preferably with another adult there to back you up and keep her from manipulating you (if that's what might happen). As an adult it is her choice whether to accept these new rules and it is her responsibility to find someplace else if she doesn't.

You need to do this for your own health and sanity. You also need to do it to help her become an adult.

much love
Cat

carrieann_2

Mummysaver - i use value plain flour in the breadmaker and the bread turns out fine - you could give it a go as its usually about 39p!

daska

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

The previous posters are correct. Your daughter needs to grow up and your duty as a parent is to help her do this... (I have had to do this with a family member so I know how tough it is.)

Your 'to do' list:

1. Write your list of house rules and present it to your daughter so that she has the option of reading them and complying. Tell her how much rent you expect and how much for food etc.

2. Is the phone contract in your name? If it is then ring the supplier NOW and get a PAC for her (this should automatically cancel the contract in 30 days). It then becomes her choice to set a up contract and keep the number if she wants.

3. Empty the fridge and the cupboards so there is no food to raid.

4. Ask someone you trust to look after your cash/cards and chequebook. Explain the reason so that they can 'be out' if she worms it out of you and decides to get agressive with them. That way you truthfully tell her you can't pay her bills even if you want to.

5. Does she always use the same cab company. If so then next time she leaves you to pay them explain that this is the last time you will do this. Inform your daughter that you will provide the taxi companies with her details so that they can recoup their fares and costs.

6. Don't engage with her behaviour. One phrase only, repeated, e.g. 'You have to pay your own bills now'. Unless she makes the effort to help sort the problem out then don't argue, don't explain, just repeat.

If she won't change her behaviour then... Does she have any kind of tenancy rights where you live. If not then she is 18 and you can give her written notice requiring her to move out - that's fair, it means she's got proof that she's officially homeless - she'll get a shock that she won't walk into somewhere but at least she'll be on the list.

Changing the car sounds sensible...

Primrose

Daska's advice is very sensible. You need to stand up to your daughter, no matter how "in your face" she gets. Just keep your temper, however hard it may be, and confront her in a very cool and calm but determined manner. Once she understands she can't crack you, she is faced with a choice. You're not being unkind to her by doing this. You'll be helping her to grow up and face the realities of the real world. These may come as a shock to her, but perhaps this is just what she needs. It's a cold hard world out there at the moment, and it's not too early for her to start to understand how the cards stack up. Wherever else she goes she will soon discover that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.