It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

cw18

Another Mum here totally in agreement with the 'be tough' brigade.

My elder son messed around at school (regularly bunking off), but then decided he wanted to go to college. So I said I'd support him through that - as long as he upheld his end of the bargain (ie. attending and doing homework). When it became clear he wasn't doing he was given 3 choice

1. knuckle down at college
2. get a job, and pay his way at home
3. do neither, but do all the housework and cooking (I worked FT days, DH worked FT nights)

After a month he wasn't doing any of these, so a week before Christmas (and 3 months short of his 17th) he came home to find his "essentials" in black bags and the door shut on his face.

After a spell in hostels he decided he didn't like the way his life was heading - and it's now just over 2 years since he joined the Army. While home at the end of last year he actually said he totally understands why I did what I did, and has come to realise how hard it must have been for me to do it

My DD doesn't bring home much more than yours - though she does get CTC and WTC o top of it - from which she has to run a home (including rent and council tax) and raise two young girls !!

ceridwen

recoveringspendaholic

I'm sorry to hear what your daughter is like.....I would certainly join in the "tough love" idea expressed....I would refuse pointblank to cover her taxi fares and the like and very much take the attitude "you played - YOU pay" and say that she had two choices - either hand over, say, £150 per month for her "board" and cover her own taxifares and cover her own mobile phonebill or move out..."take your pick...its a sight cheaper here than out there". Ultimately - its not doing either her or anyone else that ever encounters her in the future any favours if she is allowed to get away with being so selfish and thoughtless.

I'm not a maternal person - so I dont know what it is like to feel maternal responsibility for someone else thats true - so I imagine you have those feelings to contend with. But - at a very practical level - what is the worst case analysis as to what this selfish brat (sorry - but not to put too fine a point upon it) will do if you are insistent that she is responsible and pays her way....would she do something like being physically destructive of your property?

Personal responsibility is one of the lessons we all have to learn - whether we like it or no - and ultimately you will be doing her a favour if she learns that lesson early on in life.

Penny-Pincher!!

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

Hey Hun!

Just wanted to send you a hug.

Your DD is acting terribly and taking advantage of you-you DON'T deserve that! I know it's difficult, but YOU are the parent and adult and you SHOULDN'T/won't accept this behaviour anymore. I understand you don't like confrontation but she obviously knows this and is using this to her advantage and taking the pi**!

YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THIS!! This can't be doing your health any good either.

Come on......chin up.....show her who's boss......YOU ARE!! We all have faith in you.

Hugs and kisses.

PP
xx

wigglebeena

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

Change the locks? If a kid of mine under 18 did that then Social Services would find them dumped on the doorstep. Over 18, disowned and locked out.

wigglebeena

Kids have responsibilities as well as parents.

daska

wigglebeena wrote: »

Kids have responsibilities as well as parents.

At 18, recovering spendaholic's daughter is not a kid...

But I agree with you, yes, kids have responsibilities comensurate with their age and understanding. They also have rights galore with which they can beat you over the head until they 'come of age' - in which case you can beat them (metaphorically).

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

wigglebeena wrote: »

Kids have responsibilities as well as parents.

I could'nt agree more.I've brought up three daughters and believe me your'e not doing her any favours letting her think life is a free ride.You need to be tough,she needs to realise that everything in life has to be paid for.You'd be doing her a favour in the long run,otherwise when she has to be responisble for herself it's going to come as an almighty shock.
If she does'nt like your rules and whatever amount you charge her tell her she's old enough to make her own way in life.
Ten to one she'll think again.
It's a matter of respect as much as anything.

sillylittlejill

recovering_spendaholic wrote: »

I wish it were that simple for me. I have an 18 year old who earns about £600 net a month. She refuses to pay me anything for keep and I still pay her mobile phone bill can be up to £50 each month. She also comes in at all hours of the night in a taxi for which she has no money to pay and I have to pay for it - last week she did it four times at £7 a time. She lives half the time at the bf's and so raids the fridge and cupboards daily for food to take to his student house, and if I say no she rants and raves at me. I was made redundant over a year ago and have no income at all other than a little child tax credit and incapacity benefit (I am waiting for a heart operation) - I am using my redundancy money to stretch that out to pay the mortgage and so on - it is do-able at the moment but I don't know what I will do when the redundancy money eventually runs out. I struggle to assert myself with her because she is very "in your face" and agressive but I wish I knew how to tackle it. I have made cutbacks and only have the heating and hot water on for a couple of hours a day, plus I did the downshifting grocery thing about a year ago and now buy alot of basics stuff and also shop in Lidl and Aldi (although I am not convinced they are that cheap any more). I am seriously considering getting rid of my car (it's on a lease thing with a balloon payment due in June) as someone I know is selling a Ford Focus which they have had from new and that would save me £127 a month in payments for a £750 one-off cost.

I enjoy reading your posts and have "lurked" up to now, so hope you don't mind me joining in.

Hi :wave:

I just wanted to say that as someone from that age range (I'm 20 next monday) I think that you really need to be tough, my mum was just like you except she wouldn't pay for my phone, when I got my first job I suggested that I should pay something which she was really relieved because she was (and still is!) struggling with a small(ish) amount of money. I was on £650 a month and managed to spend £100 on rent for mum, £35 on my phone, and the rest I spent on shopping and generally nothing!! When I moved out last year I had a breakdown because of everything that happened, my mum was very easy on me (even easier on my lil sister!) so when I moved out I broke down, spent £1500 on my credit card which maxed it out and know I'm in this horrible situation, unemployed, living in my parents front room and being chased by debt collectors.
You don't want your daughter in this situation trust me. Write rules down, get either your OH or a family member who will stand up to her when she says they are mean etc. Please don't let your daughter walk all over you, my sister is doing that to my mum, she is going to uni in a year and I honestly think she will be back after a few weeks because she doesn't know how to cope. At 18, she should be more like a lodger than a child. She is an adult and you both need to realise this.


Sorry if this comes across as mean, hope you understand I'm trying to help :grouphug:

xxx

Bitsy_Beans

RS I can only echo what everyone else has said.
by being "in your face" as you put it she is bullying you and trying to intimidate you by being agressive and it's working. You wouldn't put up with this off a stranger or a work colleague so don't accept it from your daughter. Someone mentioned having support with you when you issue the ground rules. I think this is a good idea but you've got to stick by what you say. if she's agressive call the police. She is getting away with treating you like this because you let her. Don't be a mug - sooner she learns what real life is like the better.
Sorry I might sound harsh but being meek and mild isn't going to get you the guts to stand up to her.

wigglebeena

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

. if she's agressive call the police. .

Yes. Absolutely. If her behaviour merits it then the shock could sort out the situation very quickly. Also ensure your friends and family understand how she is behaving and what she is up to - if you protect her by keeping it a secret then this enables her to continue, rather than continually being pulled up by people she knows asking her what the hell she thinks she is doing.

Ad in the local paper asking if anyone wants an obnoxious teenage lodger/live-in housemaid? Or a blog detailing her activities/spending habits/lack of contribution which friends and family can follow...