It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

recovering_spendaholic

Thank you all so much for your supportive and very helpful posts. I agree with everything you have all said and am going to try and make some changes, although I think I may have to do it in stages because I suffer with anxiety and depression and too much confrontation might be more than I can handle right now. Yesterday she rang up for a lift from her bfs to home and I told her that I was too busy and had DD2 off school with an upset tummy. We had a shouting match over the phone but I stood my ground and she came in later, having got the bus. It isn't made any easier by the fact that I am a single parent and my ex OH (her father) has essentially washed his hands of her, saying that her behaviour over the last couple of years has made him ill. I rang O2 today about her phone and I have to wait until 24th March to be able to get the PAC number without penalty so that is what I will do. It will save me around £50 a month which I really need at the moment. I mentioned the idea of paying keep which she didn't like and said she would go and live at the BF's rather than pay me anything, but as she practically lives there anyway that would make no difference. What I did say was that I wasn't prepared to go on paying for everything for her and feeding her and the bf, plus giving her money on a regular basis because they are always broke. She got very annoyed and flounced off out to the bfs and hasn't been back yet so we'll have to see. Anyway it's a start!

I am going to have a look at the £750 car tomorrow and will decide then if it is worth giving mine back in exchange.

Now I just need to get my grocery spending and food waste down! I don't throw away as much as I used to but I still do throw out fruit and veg on a regular basis.

Thank you all again for your kind words of support - I will try and join in with the thread more instead of lurking as I find it so interesting to hear what you are all doing!

mumoftwo

Small steps Jane (recovering spendaholic) Well done for standing your ground, the shouting your daughter does is just because she is angry and trying to intimidate you, try and block it out, decide what you won't longer do or pay for, do it in stages if it is easier for you. When the fireworks start humm a favourite tune or something in your head. See how the boyfriend and her cope together... Encourage her to move in there then.

Good luck, you are stressed and have depression now already with paying everything for her, at least with you making the decision, you can feel stronger, you are in control. All the best and big hugs for you

meanmarie

RS...so sorry that you are suffering so much at the hands of your daughter...I agree with everyone who has said that you will have to refuse to be financially responsible for her, no phone, no taxi, no money or food...she must either shape up or ship out!

To avoid stressing yourself, refuse to engage in arguments of any kind with her...leave the room if that is the only way you can cope, you have done your best which is all any of us are required to do for our children, so stop feeling guilty where no guilt exists and live your life for you, not her

Hugs

Marie

the_cat

:T RS (Jane)

:T :T :T :T You have made a stand and taken a very important first step. It will get easier the more often you do it. She will learn she cannot bully you any more and will eventually give up. Pick your battles by all means to make it a gradual change but make absolutely sure that once you have said something (eg you won't pay for her cab) that you NEVER back down. Consistency is the key thing or she will keep trying to grind you down

Well done
Cat

mummysaver

carrieann wrote: »

Mummysaver - i use value plain flour in the breadmaker and the bread turns out fine - you could give it a go as its usually about 39p!

Thanks for that, I shall give it a go! I use value for just about everything else I bake so I don't know why I don't use it for bread! I'm sure I've used it in the past, don't know whay I stopped or why I forgot about that option! Value flour shall be the way forward!

mummysaver

RS - I think that people have made some great suggestions here, and everyone is always really supportive, so come and moan away if you need to! For what it's worth, I think that telling her that you will be stopping paying for her phone is quite reasonable, I work with many young girls and the vast majority pay for their own phones, just as well the amount of time some of them spend on them! Also having a word with the local taxi co when they next drop her and you end up with the bill seems a good idea, it will do your daughter no harm to pay for her own cabs, and it isn't unreasonable to refuse to pay part of her entertainment bill.

No doubt all this will be fairly stressful, and if you already suffer with anxiety then small steps may make things easier, so just letting her know that your payment of her phone contract is ending, giving her enough warning then to sort out something herself, and telling her you can't afford to pay her cab fares seem like good places to start.

Perhaps then you can move onto asking her not to empty your cupboards, as otherwise you and her sister will have nothing to eat! If necessary leave the cupboards fairly bare to prove a point.

As you have already suggested rent and she has threatened to go and live with her boyfriend, I wouldn't bother to argue too hard over this at the moment, but once you have taken your smaller steps then you can discuss it again, or if she is unwilling then you may have to recommend that she does indeed go and stay with her boyfriend.

Isn't there a saying about giving our children roots to grow and wings to fly? Think your dd has forgotten that she has wings! Good luck hun xx

Katie-Kat-Kins

RS - I had to write as someone who lived with her parents until her late twenties.

I can't believe how badly your daughter is behaving, I think she really needs a short sharp shock. I think you should tell her that you can't afford to keep her, that you have stopped paying for her phone and she will have to go onto PAYG (most secondary school kids pay for their own PAYG mobile from pocket money). You should also tell her that you won't pay for a taxi for her again and if she gets in one she had better go via the cash machine. Tell her that for security you have decided not to ever have more than £5 in the house. If she turns up in the cab simply refuse to pay and let the cab company sort it.

Tell her that she is earning a wage now and everyone that earns a wage should pay their way, ask her to set up a standing order from her account to yours for the day after pay day for an agreed amount. If she is unwilling to pay then tell her you will have to ask her to move out and you will look for a lodger as you don't have the money to run the house without the extra money.

If she says that she will go to her boyfriend's tell her that is fine, but she needs to move all her stuff out and return her key so that you can get a lodger.

Sounds harsh, but she clearly thinks you are a walk over and she needs to understand that she is being unreasonable and she can't carry on. Hopefully if she doesn't have a key she should stop emptying your cupboards. With a bit of luck if she can see that you could be getting money for her room if she moved out she will see that it is reasonable for her to pay a bit of board.

She'd never afford a place of her own on those wages but while she is freeloading she has no incentive to save, or get a better job.

Best of Luck!

Primrose

RS - well done for your decisions. Don't allow yourself to be bullied. When your daughter gets difficult, just end the conversation and leave the room. If she threatens to go and live with her boyfriend let her. He may soon get tired of her behaviour too, and having to support her financially. Do you have any acquaintances who are good actresses would could come round while your duaghter is at home and pretend to be a potential lodger. Get them to say they'd heard that you were thinking of renting out your spare bedroom. . I think that would really get the message across to your daughter that you are seriious. You could always say in front of her "My daughter's planning to move out and I need the income so I'll let you know when she's moving if you are interested". If that doesn't show her you're serious, nothing will.

Austin_Allegro

garden-lover wrote: »

This made me smile, as my OH thought I was mad last weekend when I wanted somewhere warm to put my dough to rise, so I put it in the car which was on the drive in the sun and consequently very warm - it worked a dream!

You could set up a solar cooker in a car, as a sealed car will get extremely hot in the sun.

You can also use your car as a washing machine, apparently. Shove all your clothes in a sealed barrel of soap and water in the boot, and as you drive around the agitation cleans them. I've never tried it though!

adouglasmhor

Austin_Allegro wrote: »

You could set up a solar cooker in a car, as a sealed car will get extremely hot in the sun.

You can also use your car as a washing machine, apparently. Shove all your clothes in a sealed barrel of soap and water in the boot, and as you drive around the agitation cleans them. I've never tried it though!

Used to do something similar on exercise in Germany, detergent and water in a drum in the back of my waggon, then dry them on my cam nets at night.