Ask for financial assistance from childrens enstranged relatives, advice please!

tsstss7

It's a difficult one - on one hand if you don't ask you don't get and your children's grandfather might be only to happy to give them a helping hand through uni...on the other hand it might seem quite mercenary of you to ask.

Personally I wouldn't have the nerve but I couldn't criticize you if you did - you have your kids best interests at heart and although a degree isn't the be all and end all it seems a shame that their time at uni could be detrimentally affected by a shortage of money.

So I guess that means I'm in the go for it pile....although my opinion is that you should be totally upfront about your intentions from the beginning as it seems really false to approach this man as if to create a relationship and then spring this on him.

hth tss.

milliebear00001

suki1964 wrote: »

Well my sson has started uni with full grant and tbh its plenty - hes more spare spending money then I have. Its up to him to decide if he wants to go out on the booze with his peers every night(so he needs a job as well)or live within his means.

And theres plenty of time to work and study - sure they only have a few hours lectures a week. Theres plenty on these boards that have family, work full time AND study.

Its not easy, and it shouldnt be else we would all be sat on the dole with our worthless degrees (very tongue in cheek before anyone jumps)

This isn't always the case. There are plenty of Uni courses (often the 'vocational' ones) where it would be almost impossible to work as well as study. It really depends what the OP's kids are studying. Similarly, it depends WHERE they are studying, how affordable it is. A degree in Bradford is certainly easier on the pursestrings than London or Bristol.

tsstss7

milliebear00001 wrote: »

This isn't always the case. There are plenty of Uni courses (often the 'vocational' ones) where it would be almost impossible to work as well as study. It really depends what the OP's kids are studying. Similarly, it depends WHERE they are studying, how affordable it is. A degree in Bradford is certainly easier on the pursestrings than London or Bristol.

I agree millieb..and it's not always easy to get a job either. I had to make do with holiday jobs back home as a student, as i went to uni in a smallish town and the student jobs there were like gold dust. A lack of money definately affected my uni degree - I never had any extra help from parents (they had young children at home and couldn't afford even the odd care package) and I think it might have made all the difference. Not that I minded working in the holidays - that was my social life, but it would have been good not to have to worry about rent/overdrafts etc on top of all the other stresses.

Pssst

You are lucky in some ways. When i was a kid my parents were so !!!! poor and there was no chance of me ever going to uni even though i was bright enough. When i had to leave school at 16,i got a job immediately and have never had a single day out of work since in 26 years.

Now then,if i were grandpa and i had wanted to know my grandkids,id have probably made an effort by now. as it is,it appears he hasn't and i doubt he'd appreciate you trying to ponce off him. If he has earned his money honestly he is entitled to keep it or do what he likes with it and you have no right to caste your envious eyes upon it.

the person responsible for your predicament is the apparently useless man who fathered your children.

MrsTinks

I don't think it's a given that the grandfather would have tried to contact the grandchildren if he wanted contact... my dad was denied access to my younger half sister for about 16 years... he tried for access every year but he never tried to contact her directly because that would have been incredibly disruptive to her. Likewise my grandparents didn't try and go behind my dads back but instead by pure fluke my mothers grandmother had independantly met and struck up a friendship with my dads now ex wife so we got news and pictures from her about my sister... did we want contact? Absolutely! But there are some boudaries that are very taboo to cross... Eventually my sister initiated the contact for various reasons... and yes one of them sadly was money. Emotionally and financially it was exhausting for all of us and I as her older sister had to put a partial halt to the procedings because my father and grandparents would have handed her the clothes of their backs. Once they'd had time to adjust they realised that I was right and that money and never ending love wouldn't solve all her problems. Being treated as any other family member would... now THAT has helped
So... if one day she knocked on my door and asked me for money? I'd give her enough for a plane ticket home. Harsh? Probably, but if she knocked on my door and asked for my help in what ever form that I may choose to give it? I'd go to the ends of the earth to help her...

If your daughter has to give up Uni for now then so be it... if she has the drive to do it then she will come back to it when she can afford it... I'm 28 (ok ok a few days of 29...) and I'm only just now thinking about maybe doing an OU course - might depend a little as I'm pregnant with bubs due in May and I have NO idea if I'll be able to cope with a baby, a more than full time job AND studying... but in my experience... if you want something done... give it to someone who's already busy

*Louise*

Or......I'm just pondering another aspect here...

Write to the grandfather by all means, but instead of asking HIM for money, ask him if he could speak to his son about perhaps providing some financial help for his own kids as you/they are struggling and have been for a number of years etc.

If your children want to get to know their grandfather, then by all means let him know that, it might encourage him to help, but personally (imo) I wouldn't ask him directly for money. If he offered...then of course I would graciously accept.

devils_advocate

*Louise* wrote: »

Or......I'm just pondering another aspect here...

Write to the grandfather by all means, but instead of asking HIM for money, ask him if he could speak to his son about perhaps providing some financial help for his own kids as you/they are struggling and have been for a number of years etc.

If your children want to get to know their grandfather, then by all means let him know that, it might encourage him to help, but personally (imo) I wouldn't ask him directly for money. If he offered...then of course I would graciously accept.

Reasing through the thread, thats what I was going to suggest!

Lunar_Eclipse

*Louise* wrote: »

Or......I'm just pondering another aspect here...

Write to the grandfather by all means, but instead of asking HIM for money, ask him if he could speak to his son about perhaps providing some financial help for his own kids as you/they are struggling and have been for a number of years etc.

If your children want to get to know their grandfather, then by all means let him know that, it might encourage him to help, but personally (imo) I wouldn't ask him directly for money. If he offered...then of course I would graciously accept.

Yep, this is what I would too. I would definitely ask for help.

My feeling is that the Grandfather will offer to assist willingly. He probably feels let down by his own son in some way (hence no relationship with him), who in turn has let you/your children (his Grandchildren!) down. Which helps your case so to speak.

No harm in asking for genuine help.

beverleyhills

There are educational trusts and charities. Your library will have a list. Most libraries are accessible on line.

mrs_pogel

Thanks for all replies, tips and advice, it's made me think a lot about this and helped to see things more clearly.

I wont be writing to the GF. It's a recipe for disaster no matter what the reason I can see that now. His public face is of a happy sociable chap who enjoys (quite rightly) the company of women, Ferraris, aeroplanes etc, but pritavtely he never supported or appeared to care for his own children while they grew up. Realistically, since he (GF) never cared for his own children he is not ever likely to start caring for mine. I certainly can't ask the GF to contact his son, his son would track me down and kill me if I did that, I kid you not he is a very, very, angry, violent man. He HATES his father with a passion for messing with the aupair and abandoning him. He even stopped speaking to his sister some years ago after she contacted her father, though even she thought her dad was a bit of a jerk, he was rich and cool and popular, she liked getting the neighbours curtains twitching when he visited her driving the Roller. I was banned by my ex from speaking to his sister once she made contact with her father, sadly we have now lost touch, she was a nice friendly soul, with less hang-ups than her brothers, who was keen to foster a relationship with her nieces, I have missed her.

The hate and anger for his father was something that ate away at my ex and reduced him to tears many times, and still does I bet, I used to feel quite sorry for him, sometimes, until he became even worse than the man he hated. FGS I think it's all a bloody mangled mess and better if I try and pretend they don't exist, we are probably better off with out their money, they are all so flipping mad