Ask for financial assistance from childrens enstranged relatives, advice please!

mrs_pogel

I've been a single mum for many years now, I get around £100 a week working only part time due to disability and have accumulated some debts in this time, to the tune of around £8000, some of which is POLL TAX! I face bankruptcy and eviction from the cold damp rural house I rent. Our house is sparsely furnished, hard to heat, we don't have a working TV, we haven't had a family holiday, ever, I'm t-total, don't drive, I live miles from civilisation and have nobody to talk to, that's partly why I'm here! My PC and Internet connection, the Frankenstein I built from scrounged parts is my only luxury, if you can call it that. The cogs of financial and emotional desperation have been turning over and over in my mind for months, and to hell with the impending bills and debts, for now, I'm more concerned about getting my kids through the university courses they started this year. Even with grants and loans it's not enough to cover the expense of accommodation etc. I wrote to the children's father recently asking him to assist them, but he didn't reply, he's a wise pranker who has turned avoiding the clutches of the dreaded C.S.A into a fine art. He hasn't seen the kids for 9 years. More recently I thought about writing to "his" father, the kid's grandfather, mainly because I think he's worth a few quid, and hoped he may be able to help finance the kids university education. Only he's a stranger, he's never met my kids and hasn't seen his own kids for many, many years, it's very complicated, biter and sad really, from the angle I have. I even looked at some sites explaining how to write a charity fundraising/begging letter, for some ideas, but the complicated emotional entanglement fogs my brain. I have read about the grandfather on the Internet, he's quite a flamboyant chap, even though he's getting on in years, with a few fingers in several pies, mostly his own companies, and I note he donates money to several children's charities. Many people seem to think he's a good egg if a bit odd, but his own kids claim to hate him, largely for what they see as abandonment. Similar to what his son has done to our children, they do say history repeats itself don't they. Should I leave the skeletons in the cupboard and find another tree to bark up, because I am scared of getting a vitriolic knock back or even stony silence, it's quite a bombshell to drop on someone I suppose? My stomach's churning just thinking about it Or do I live in hope he gives a damn enough to help the kids in some small way and write to him. He could be quite a cool granddad to have in some ways I suppose, one of my daughters is studying a subject close to his heart, she could possibly get help here also, if he was willing. So, to write a begging letter, or not to write a begging letter, advice anyone?

mrs_pogel

Sorry for the difficult to read post, but my parragraphs seem to have dissapeared?

jay11_2

Surely it's worth a try, he can only say no. If his son is that bad, he may have no idea that you and the children need help.

MrsTinks

Sorry but if he suddenly heard out of the blue fomr his grandkids and the first words were "gimme gimme gimme" how do you think he is likely to react?
I couldn't afford university and my parents certainly couldn't have paid for me to go either...
I'm sorry you have a rough time of it but I think if the children want contact with their grandfather it should be without any hopes of money. If he offers then great! If he doesn't then at least they'll have gotten contact with their grandfather again! Asking him for money in MY view is rude and I'd shove the door in anyones face who came to me asking for money like that. SHOULD I decide to give them money it wouldn't be because they or their parent asked but because I wanted to - if I'd felt pressured then I might pay up but refuse further contact and frankly be very resentful towards you and the kids.

Is there any reason the kids can't apply for grants, loans or get jobs to see them through uni? If they want it badly enough they can work all the way through like several of my peers managed. Ok they have student debt but that is their choice.

Ironically you don't need a uni degree to earn a good salary - neither I nor my husband have a degree but we earn a good deal more than all the people we know who DO have degrees...

Personally I'd pursue the CSA claims for the years your Ex has failed to pay if you can - it may take you some time but keep at him - one day he may decide life is just easier if he coughs up...

galvanizersbaby

MrsTine wrote: »

Personally I'd pursue the CSA claims for the years your Ex has failed to pay if you can - it may take you some time but keep at him - one day he may decide life is just easier if he coughs up...[/quote]

...and in the meantime....by the time the OP recieves any CSA payments the kids will have left uni and won't be kids anymore and there will be pigs flying all around us!

Under more normal family circumstances I would agree with Mrs T's sentiments about first contact with grandfather being asking for money but OP I think if I was in your shoes I would have nothing to lose by approaching this man (other than pride) - worst case he can only knock you back/not respond

For all you know he could feel guilt for his son's abandonment of the children - who know's what sort of a man he is? - and you won't know until you contact him

Good Luck x

liney

Do not bring your children up to foster relationships for financial gain! NO, don't do it.

How many hours do you work? Can you not claim tax credits, and did you not get child benefit? Do you not get disability allowance if your disability is so severe you are unable to work full time? Is your house rented or mortaged - can you get housing benefit?

I'd take a look at entitledto.com

LADY_A_5

hey, about being unfurnished etc why dont you try freecycle?? i think that could possibly help you out.
as for contacting grandad, im split down the middle. i feel reguardless of the situation with his son, what has ever stopped him from being a grandparent?
also just after 9 years of no contact do you really expect him to just say ok here you go? i doubt it.
i would however try to build a relationship with the childrens grandparents as if the children dont see their father then i can only see it being benificial to them to have contact with other members of the family considering you are so rural???
it annoys me when two parents split and then its seems to be ok for all other family members to do the same.
i would (seen as your childeren are old enough) get them to sort out a p/t job to help with their own finances? you cannot baby them forever let them gain some independance and see they cannot rely on you as their cash point.

good luck xx

honeypop

I can see what the other posters mean when they say you have nothing to lose by contacting him for money, but personally I think it's wrong. Imagine how it would feel to get contact from estranged family out of the blue asking for money, for children that are not your responsibility (they aren't, they are his sons responsibility).

If your kids can't afford university then they can't do it, simple as that and how it works for others too, not just your children. Can they get jobs to assist them in paying? This is what most do when parents can't pay towards it themselves.

With regard to your own debt, you clearly need to get this looked at and make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to, surely you should have had some help towards council tax (I assume this is what you mean by poll tax?) if you are on such a low income.

JimmyTheWig

I think you need to move somewhere where you can meet more people and build up a support network.
The children, now "adults", will have to learn to support themselves.

**Patty**

Ermmmmm.....if the children are at/going to uni, why can't THEY build a relationship with the grandfather/estranged relatives???


Surely at around 18, it's up to them whether or not they wish to foster a relationship?

morg_monster

I think if you are EVER going to ask him for money, its better to do it openly and up front at the start, is my personal opinion. Rather than to foster a relationship, and then a few months in ask for cash, that seems more cold and mercenary than asking up front. Of course if you ask up front you have to say that you would like him to become a part of your lives as well. I'd go for asking for an interest free loan, and make clear it is for the kids.

If you are going to foster a relationship and then just wait and see, and never ask, then fair enough.

Either way I think its a good idea to encourage the children to be the ones to ask. From the sound of it, if he gave money straight to them, that would ease things a bit for you indirectly. They are the ones related to him, after all. But how do you encourage them to get in touch with him if you don't want to tell them the underlying reason... i dunno.
personally I would try and start contact, but not (ever) ask for money. If your children get on well with him and they start to care for each other, then at best perhaps he'll be generous with the cash, at worst they'll gain a(nother) loving grandad. Ahh.
difficult one, I think.