How do you know your marriage is over??

love_lifer

i read a book a few years ago that helped- too good to leave, too bad to stay- sorry cant remember author. but it was helpful. and surprise! i left...and never regretted it.

maybe give the logical approach a chance? write stuff down?

good luck

foxyd3vil12

im in the same position. 23yrs old with a waster for a husband. he drinks, gambles and does everything possible to not get a job. for the 5yrs we've been married he has hardly paid a penny for any bill in the house or for anything on our now 4yr old son. ive struggled and gone without so my son could have. he just takes money then from my savings jar and my sons.

ive told him 2 go a few times but he wouldnt budge cos he had the easy life.
but 2nite, he finally left cos i told him i couldnt take it anymore

the funny thing is that i feel i dont really care about him anymore, all im concerned about is my son and me. enough tears ive cried 4 him.

sanita

Gosh, my story is a bit similar to others- met a man 4 years ago- fell in love, quit a solicitor job and moved country for him. 1 st year was ok we got married and tried for a baby, then he lost his job but luckely i worked and managed to save around £1,700 to pay the future rent, because with the new baby we couldn't continue to live in double room. Our relationships has been crap for 2 years now. I am not allowed to go anywhere alone- if i want to go i go with my son, but sometimes i just want to have some rest, or to go to the cinema, museum or to the pub for f...k sake.
My moms 50th birthday is coming and i wanted to go - i am not allowed- because he cant take a week off work to go with me and it is bloody expensive. the worst thing is that the money is tight and each month he splashes 250 on fags. My budget on food is 180 a month and he is complaining about quality i buy,. I offered councelling - he refused, i tried to talk - nobody listens. I dont tell my parents because dont want them to get upset. We stopped having sex 3 month ago- i just cant imagine even touching this man- one look at him just makes me sick. Why on earth we are still living together?!!

Volvic

I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do. I can't offer the same advice as anyone else here, I've not been married and am just 21 years old. However, I've been with the same person for the last 5 years and through the 5 years have had to go through many of my own relationship struggles. Sometimes I've felt like giving up, but when I've really thought things through with my OH, I've realised that the tough times and the arguments have really been down to the stressed. So I'm gonna offer the opposite hand and suggest that maybe it's the financial stress causing you to feel so low and doubtful about the future..money can be a horrible, awful thing and make you question so much. Try and sit down with your husband and really open up to him about how you feel..tell him he needs to respect your feelings and try to support you and reassure you with what's making you feel so low, because you can't do it alone..

Good luck xxx

Loretta

sanita wrote: »

Gosh, my story is a bit similar to others- met a man 4 years ago- fell in love, quit a solicitor job and moved country for him. 1 st year was ok we got married and tried for a baby, then he lost his job but luckely i worked and managed to save around £1,700 to pay the future rent, because with the new baby we couldn't continue to live in double room. Our relationships has been crap for 2 years now. I am not allowed to go anywhere alone- if i want to go i go with my son, but sometimes i just want to have some rest, or to go to the cinema, museum or to the pub for f...k sake.
My moms 50th birthday is coming and i wanted to go - i am not allowed- because he cant take a week off work to go with me and it is bloody expensive. the worst thing is that the money is tight and each month he splashes 250 on fags. My budget on food is 180 a month and he is complaining about quality i buy,. I offered councelling - he refused, i tried to talk - nobody listens. I dont tell my parents because dont want them to get upset. We stopped having sex 3 month ago- i just cant imagine even touching this man- one look at him just makes me sick. Why on earth we are still living together?!!

What does 'not allowed' mean, what would happened if you did go out etc?

I have a child your age and believe me your parents would be very upset to think that you are living this way, they would not be at all upset that you left him. You are 23, you are a baby, no one let alone a 23 year old should be living like this. I know it is a cliche but you really do have your whole life ahead of you.

If you miss your mother's 50th birthday she will be upset, what excuse are you going to make? it can't be a good excuse and your mother will know it is not true and she will wonder why you can't be bothered to turn up.

Please don't think that your parents don't know what is going on, they probably were very worried when you married this man.

Tell them and get out now, they will help you. i would be really upset if any of my children were this unhappy and didn't feel that the could ask for help. My daughter has asked me to help her friend who was living with a violent and abusive man and I was really pleased, you do learn a little from life and your parents I am sure will want to help you

Good luck

Mrs_Optimist

reading some of these posts makes me realise how bloody lucky I am with my husband. He would give me his last penny, never raise a hand to me or the children, does not womanise/gamble/drink/take drugs etc. he is careful with money and has complete respect for me. Strangely I did have a sort of mid-life crisis last year and seriously contemplated leaving - for no specific reason, I guess after 15 years together (10 married) life had become a bit stale for me. When I look back now I realise how stupid I was being but I had sort of hardened my feelings. It was not the same situation as the OP and I totally sympathise with her. However I would echo some other comments. If, god forbid, my daughter ended up in an abusive relationship I would far rather she walked away than stayed for fear of "I told you so" from other family memebers. You have one life and it is too short to be constantly unhappy.

Milford_Cubicle

My answer to the OP is "You just do".

That might not seem very helpful, but if you listen to your inner voice, that little gut feeling you get about things, it'll tell you everything you need to know. I ignored it far too many times to my detriment.

If it's over, then your head and heart know that already. You just need to get them to communicate and sort something out.

love_lifer

i agree with milford but often the gut feeling is swamped by fear or duty feelings which maake it all very confusing and unclear. and few relationships are out and out bad, meaning its hard to make that final decision. as u can see from all the posts and the fact this issue comes up time after time, sorting out relationships is hard. best not get into a relationship in the 1st place and have a nice cup of tea instead (thats my new approach)

maggirl

I am trying to plan getting out. I still have some feelings for him, I am very soft hearted and feel sorry for him, but I think these are just because we have been together for so long. He is so cold hearted, Im sure if he decided he wanted out he wouldnt care at all about my feelings, but I cant help feeling sorry for him.

This weekend was awful; he has ordered and paid for some really expensive things from the internet for our little girls' christmas presents....He did this without discussing it at all first with me, this is crazy because we are living from month to month on credit cards and I am worrying about paying the essential bills....we just cant cope financially, we have a huge phone bill to pay this month, he goes spending and ordering things from the internet, then he says he has no money to give me to help pay for essentials. He is just on a different planet to me when it comes to money.

He was horrible to me all weekend. The consumer unit switched off his precious computer because the toaster packed in on Saturday morning when I was making breakfast, he got angry because he had to get out of bed and sort it out, I'm not 100% sure how to re-set the consumer unit anyway, but he started taunting me, saying that I couldnt even cook a crumpet without causing problems.....this does sound amusing when you write it down, but he was saying it in a really nasty way rather than a jokey way. I didnt speak to him most of the rest of the day, and I was just trying to keep out of his way; then later on he was looking for something in a hurry, I was trying to help him look and be helpful, and I knocked something big and heavy over that was resting against the living room wall, it nearly knocked me out, because it whacked me on the head as it fell, but rather than ask if I was OK, he started going on and on about how clumsy I was all the time.

I try and be very civil to him, I never call him names but he seems to think he can just say what he wants to me and doesn't even care if he says it in front of our DD. She came to me afterwards and put her arms round me and whispered "you're not clumsy mummy, you are beautiful" which nearly made me cry again.

She could see I was really upset, and I dont want her seeing any of this, or hearing how he talks to me.

How do I get the courage to leave, I'm so scared. Im scared of his reaction, and I'm scared of how I will cope financially. He wont leave the house, I will have to be the one to go, the house will get repossessed and I don't know what to do. I dont have anyone close by to help me.

how do I take the first step?? Just a bit of friendly advice would really help!

galvanizersbaby

maggirl wrote: »

I am trying to plan getting out. I still have some feelings for him, I am very soft hearted and feel sorry for him, but I think these are just because we have been together for so long. He is so cold hearted, Im sure if he decided he wanted out he wouldnt care at all about my feelings, but I cant help feeling sorry for him.

This weekend was awful; he has ordered and paid for some really expensive things from the internet for our little girls' christmas presents....He did this without discussing it at all first with me, this is crazy because we are living from month to month on credit cards and I am worrying about paying the essential bills....we just cant cope financially, we have a huge phone bill to pay this month, he goes spending and ordering things from the internet, then he says he has no money to give me to help pay for essentials. He is just on a different planet to me when it comes to money.

He was horrible to me all weekend. The consumer unit switched off his precious computer because the toaster packed in on Saturday morning when I was making breakfast, he got angry because he had to get out of bed and sort it out, I'm not 100% sure how to re-set the consumer unit anyway, but he started taunting me, saying that I couldnt even cook a crumpet without causing problems.....this does sound amusing when you write it down, but he was saying it in a really nasty way rather than a jokey way. I didnt speak to him most of the rest of the day, and I was just trying to keep out of his way; then later on he was looking for something in a hurry, I was trying to help him look and be helpful, and I knocked something big and heavy over that was resting against the living room wall, it nearly knocked me out, because it whacked me on the head as it fell, but rather than ask if I was OK, he started going on and on about how clumsy I was all the time.

I try and be very civil to him, I never call him names but he seems to think he can just say what he wants to me and doesn't even care if he says it in front of our DD. She came to me afterwards and put her arms round me and whispered "you're not clumsy mummy, you are beautiful" which nearly made me cry again.

She could see I was really upset, and I dont want her seeing any of this, or hearing how he talks to me.

How do I get the courage to leave, I'm so scared. Im scared of his reaction, and I'm scared of how I will cope financially. He wont leave the house, I will have to be the one to go, the house will get repossessed and I don't know what to do. I dont have anyone close by to help me.

how do I take the first step?? Just a bit of friendly advice would really help!

Hi Maggirl

Sorry to hear things haven't improved.
Have you any family yourself and your DD could go and stay with just to initially get some space and support?