How do you know your marriage is over??

maggirl

I am really unhappy with my husband, I think a large amount of the stress has been caused by (my) money worries and this has really shown up the flaws in our relationship. He has a totally different attitude towards money to me; I’m not a skinflint, but before I met him I used to try and be careful with money; he is the opposite, only the best will do, and he doesn’t think twice about spending money. I got drawn into his habits. In the early days I thought it was exciting and fun to spend money, his motto would always be “enjoy it while you are young” but over the years his habits have worn me down. I keep trying to get him to budget and I make sacrifices myself, but then he just goes and undoes my good work in trying to budget by blowing money on himself or something frivolous for the family, which is all very fun, but we can’t afford it. We are very much in debt and it has come to a crunch point with money.

We have had a few big bust up/arguments recently and I am just finding myself increasingly irritated by him, he makes promises to improve then just lets me down. Then I just think I am being a cow, and expecting too much of him.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is, when do you truly know when it is all over?? Some days I wake up and think I do NOT want to spend the rest of my life with this man. But then other days I worry that if I walk out I will regret it, and im trying to work out if I still have feelings for him. I know I still care about him, but then that would be natural when you have been with someone for a long time, but I don’t think I love him anymore, certainly not in the adoring way I did even a few years ago… I know there is no simple yes or no answer to this but what sort of things made other people realise that it was truly the end of their relationship?? Did you make a snap decision?? Did something trigger it? Its not like there has been any sort of other issues like, either of us being unfaithful etc, it just seems like our relationship is dead, all we do is !!!!! at each other and resent each other. I know some people would say, try and liven up your marriage and talk to each other about how you feel, but I think it has gone beyond that. I've tried talking to him and he says he will change but then doesn't. We are at such opposite poles about really big issues like money.

lrr_2

I just looked at my husband (now ex) one day and realised it was habit more than love that was keeping us together. Clean break and no arguments and never regretted it once! Havent seen him for years and to be honest should have done it sooner.

Life is too short!

Oldernotwiser

It's easy to believe when a member on here that being moneysaving and frugal is the only way to be. However, in a marriage, compromise is important, rather than ramming your way of doing things down your husband's throat. You need to talk WITH him rather than talk TO him and also listen to what he's saying as well. There's no reason why he should be the one to change; can you not meet in the middle?

whitewing

My Nan always said that she wouldn't trust anyone else to look after her husband the way she could.

I feel the same about my husband.

With my son's father, who I couldn't bring myself to marry, I think I knew it wasn't working, that what was important to me wasn't important enough to him.

I can cope with not having much money, but I couldn't cope with DH spending whatever, whenever. If I couldn't trust DH with our joint account, I couldn't be with him..

Whether or not you have children may affect how you go about this, but I don't think it would affect the final decision for me.

sarymclary

I spent a year trying to decide what to do. I felt extremely responsible for 'upsetting the applecart', and changing our family dynamics forever. In the end though, it was my husband's inability to want to help the situation, and seemingly being unable to see how unhappy I, and our children were that decided it.

It was certainly with a heavy heart that I told him I wanted us to separate, but on reflection, I probably stayed in the marriage too long trying to make things work, but it will only work if the 2 of you are trying, and he clearly didn't see the need to try.

Have you tried Relate? It sounds like you husband really isn't getting the message about quite how unhappy you are. Has he any idea that you are at a point of wanting things to end? It depends upon whether he loves you more than his spending habits. My ex certainly loved his bad habits more than me!

Steph998

I really feel for you. I too am at opposite poles with my other half - about our son (his step son) and money comes into it too.... so I do know that having such differing views on important things can really grind a marriage down. I think you will know when you just can't take it any more. Can you bear the thought of life without him, more than you can bear the thought of life with him and all the worries it brings you? Will leaving cause you even more problems, splitting the debt, trying to sort it all out?

When the person who is supposed to support you is actually causing all the angst in your life, maybe it is time to leave....? I don't know....oh why does life have to be so hard?

swiss69

When you look at the other person and feel nothing for them. Caring isn't enough!

Big decision when you have kids though as you always think kids will take it in their stride. How old are the kids and how long have you been married? Would you be able to manage on your own? How would this affect your ability to pay bills/mortgage etc.... If you are older ie 30's / 40's - You may meet someone else who can make you happier but alot of the people at this age have baggage attached too. Kids/Debt/Ex wives etc....Thye are usually divorced for a reason too and this reason could be that the ex could not stand them either!

Relate didnt work for me I must say. I think if you would rather take a risk on what the future may bring than stick with what you have then you know its the right time to go whatever the consequences may be.

maggirl

That’s right, it is really hard, as you said caring isn’t enough. I think we have passed the point of no return…been married for 9 years, but together much longer than that. I don’t think he likes me much anymore either, but he seems to be able to put up with the lack of affection more than me!

I don’t have many friends to discuss this with, I know some people can happily live in loveless marriages, but I’m in my late 30s and I wonder…..can I cope with living with him until I’m elderly…….but could I just be having a mid-life crisis?? (this is what he says I’m am having) by the way, he would never ever go for marriage guidance or anything like that.

I just wanted to get a feel for what actually finally triggered others to leave. I’m quite sure I could cope, as long as I had main custody of my little girl, if I had to lose custody of her for some reason that would really break my heart. I think HE knows that we are at the end of our relationship, but I think he feels that if we split up he will lose her to me... he would probably have to go back and live with his parents who live miles away and just see her on weekends/hols. In an big argument last week, I snapped and said I didn’t love him anymore and he said he didn’t want ME anyway, he just wanted our little girl! So from that I interpreted that he feels I should just stick with him just so that he can still see her 24/7 but us both be miserable! But then I feel the same way (would hate to lose her) so I cant blame him for feeling this, but she would have to live with one of us to do the day to day stuff like go to school…..

galvanizersbaby

maggirl wrote: »

I just wanted to get a feel for what actually finally triggered others to leave. I’m quite sure I could cope, as long as I had main custody of my little girl, if I had to lose custody of her for some reason that would really break my heart. I think HE knows that we are at the end of our relationship, but I think he feels that if we split up he will lose her to me... he would probably have to go back and live with his parents who live miles away and just see her on weekends/hols. In an big argument last week, I snapped and said I didn’t love him anymore and he said he didn’t want ME anyway, he just wanted our little girl! So from that I interpreted that he feels I should just stick with him just so that he can still see her 24/7 but us both be miserable! But then I feel the same way (would hate to lose her) so I cant blame him for feeling this, but she would have to live with one of us to do the day to day stuff like go to school…..

Hi Maggirl

Sorry your so unhappy at the moment - my ex husband had numerous affairs so for me it was the realisation that I would always be cheated on and permanantly unhappy that helped make the break.
My ex husband wanted us to stay together in our sham of a marriage for the children (under 2 and 3 at the time) as he didn't want to lose them but we arranged a shared arrangement for them and this seems to be working well at the moment - it might be that something similar could work for you if you decided that your marriage is beyond repair.

Good luck with whatever you decide - we all deserve to be happy

swiss69

Maggirl

I have been through the same as you with very similar reasons and circumstances and it is difficult. The circumstances are much the same but i'd rather not publish them on here. Happy to give you a full summary of how I dealt with this situation if you PM me.

If not good luck i know it takes guts whatever you do.

You can be happier after it though so dont always believe the "stay together at all costs" advice.

whitewing

I think my son's father felt the same maybe as your husband. Didn't want me but didn't want to make the decision to leave. So he ended up doing nothing for me, and behaving like a big kid, at which point I decided enough was enough. I still resent him sometimes for not being honest with me about how he felt (DS was an accident, and his dad and I didn't even live together until he was 3 months old and I went back to work).

It is really heartbreaking to take a child away from their father, but it is also heartbreaking to be in a relationship where the father has no respect for you.

My philosophy is that the partnership between husband and wife is the most important thing in a family. If you cherish and love and respect each other then you will naturally love your children as an extension to that. I think sometimes people put the children first when they shouldn't. (Nb always children first in abusive or unloving marriages; children's health and emotional wellbeing come above everything). I don't love my husband more than my son, but differently. But I do expect to spend more of my daily life with my husband for many more years. I think I may not have explained this very well. I suppose what I am saying is if you took your child out of the equation altogether, could you still love this man? Could you still laugh with him? Touch him? Talk with him? Want to be with him?

Being a single parent is horrible (I was on my own for 6 years after I left DS' father), but it is still much better than being with a man you can't love.

Best of luck in deciding.