How do you know your marriage is over??

mudgekin

I got married at 17 to a man of 34 who was smooth and sophisticated when I was very young and naive. My parents begged me not to do this and I think secretly I knew before the wedding that it was a mistake but didn't have the guts to do anything.

We married and I sat through 6 years of hell. he was manipulative, emotionally and sexually abusive which I did not have the maturity or experienceto realise at that time. I was left with no confidence and when he started having affairs and flaunting them I was almost relieved as it meant that he left me alone.

I didn't confide in anyone as I dreaded the "I told you so" responses which in retrospect I would never ever have got. He tossed away my pills one Friday night and I subsequently became pregnant. I had hoprrific morning sickness all day and when he came home and punched me so hard that I ended up in hospital because I wasn't well enough to stand and cook a hot dinner then I knew it was over.

I phoned my mum from the hospital who was there for me while I miscarried. I went home with her and never went back and literally walked out on him with the clothese I was wearing. Again naively I disregarded my solicitor's advice as to what I was entitled to just to get him out of my life.

For me, the end of my marriage was very very clear. Looking back it was over before it really started.

hayley11

mudgekin wrote: »

I got married at 17 to a man of 34 who was smooth and sophisticated when I was very young and naive. My parents begged me not to do this and I think secretly I knew before the wedding that it was a mistake but didn't have the guts to do anything.

We married and I sat through 6 years of hell. he was manipulative, emotionally and sexually abusive which I did not have the maturity or experienceto realise at that time. I was left with no confidence and when he started having affairs and flaunting them I was almost relieved as it meant that he left me alone.

I didn't confide in anyone as I dreaded the "I told you so" responses which in retrospect I would never ever have got. He tossed away my pills one Friday night and I subsequently became pregnant. I had hoprrific morning sickness all day and when he came home and punched me so hard that I ended up in hospital because I wasn't well enough to stand and cook a hot dinner then I knew it was over.

I phoned my mum from the hospital who was there for me while I miscarried. I went home with her and never went back and literally walked out on him with the clothese I was wearing. Again naively I disregarded my solicitor's advice as to what I was entitled to just to get him out of my life.

For me, the end of my marriage was very very clear. Looking back it was over before it really started.

Aww that's so sad. Some men are just complete ar5eholes :mad:

I hope you've managed to rebuild your confidence and your life

Perfect10_2

I am sat here feeling sick and shakey going through the same crisis point.

Have had 8 years of trying VERY hard to make things work even though i dont trust my husband due to somethings he's done. And yes recently i have been talking to a male friend which is the reason my husband is finally talking (or shouting and rowing) about our marriage, even though it is nothing more than he claims he was doing in the past!

I can see no way back from this, and am fed up of us both being miserable, but can only see it getting worse before it gets better. We can't afford to split and one of us move out, and i have my two gorgeous girls to consider. Everything is such a mess

mudgekin

haley

I have indeed regained my confidence. I stayed single for about 7 years after that gradually coming to terms with who I am and what I want. met a fabulous man who I married and we are still happy, content and in live after 20 years.

Interestingly though, I had an episode of severe depression about 4 years ago which had no apparent trigger as apart from some financial issues which we were dealing with and by that time wasn't worrying me at all. When I was referred for counselling all the [EMAIL="!!!!"]evil[/EMAIL] things that my ex had done to me came tumbling out. I had lots of unresolved issues that I had just buried very very deeply and tbh I was unaware that they were still there. Seems that I hadn't quite dealt with it as well as I thought I did

zzzLazyDaisy

I knew my marriage was over when my youngest sister died suddenly and unexpectedly. When the inital shock wore off, I remember thinking to myself, 'what would I do if I knew that I only had a year to live?' The answer shocked me - it was that I'd leave my husband and reclaim my life.

So I did.

BlondeHeadOn

When I was in an unhappy relationship ing the past, I always turned to my '5 year rule' to decide what to do.

Basically I used to say to myself: "I'm unhappy in this relationship now, but can I bear to stay in this situation for another week?"
- the answer was always 'yes', after all, I'd stuck it this long....

Then I'd ask myself: "Can I stand it for another month?"
- answer would usually be 'yes', for same reason as above.

Then I'd ask myself: "Can I stand it for another year?"
- This is where it started to get a bit more tricky, answer usually 'Um, maybe'...

Then I'd ask myself: "Can I stand it for another 5 years? Because if I don't do something about it now, this is where I will be in 5 years time...."
- At this point I always thought [EMAIL="'bl@@dy"]'bl@@dy[/EMAIL] he!!, no - I've got to get out asap!'

I found this an extremely useful way of galvanising myself to act - because if you don't, you could be on here asking the same question 5 years down the line - and with 5 years of your life wasted!

HTH

jinky67

It hit me when i realised I didnt care what he said or did anymore.

I truly believe that had i not ended up with depression i would still be with him....living a reasonable life but not caring at all.

I told him a few weeks ago it was over..we are still in the same house as we cant afford to split either......

However in that short space of time...I have meet someone online that has totally knocked me for six. We speak everyday all day...either by phone or text or MSN and i cant bear it when we are not chatting......sounds sad i know....but i have never felt like this about anyone ever

joanne.c_2

I think you know when you don't want to lose anymore years of your life, not seeing things changing, not wanting to fight for change.

It's not easy to make that final decision.

My partner left me with a 2 year old. Then decided he may have made a mistake and tried to back pedal but the truth was I've already lost enough of my life, I can't see him changing as he's always been the same and because of that I can't see the point in fighting for change.

It feels like a living nightmare now but I know I'll look back in a years time and know this is the right thing.

FairyElephant_2

I think I knew it was finally over when my husband tried to suffocate me with a pillow! Extreme I know, but true! The real turning point was when I went to the Dr and they wanted to put me on anti-depressants, and I realised that the reason I felt like I did was all down to my husband. I was 32 and had been married 10 years.

He had become a manic depressive, could not hold down a job, yet spent money like water...these things I coped with and I felt it was 'my duty' to look after him and try to 'make him well'. I suppose part of it was me being stubborn too - my parents had not approved of him in the first place and I didn't want to hear the 'I told you so's' either I guess.

When I found out he had lied to me about lots of things, and was taking drugs (not prescription ones - he kept NOT taking the ones he was supposed to). I knew it was over. I still cared about him deeply, but I was very hurt and I realised that I didn't love him anymore.

We did go to Relate, which I found very helpful. They actually helped me to see that he was NOT my responsibility, and the relationship was totally one-sided with him being more like a child and me a parent, than husband and wife. I continued to go on my own after we finally split, to help deal with my feelings of guilt.

Breaking up was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was terrified he would hurt or kill himself, or me. When he was on 'one of his trips' he would stand in the front garden and threaten to burn down the house with me in it. Then he'd come down and apologise, cry, beg, etc. etc.

Eventually he does seem to have sorted himself out - although I don't know if this is all show on the surface and underneath he may still be the same - people who thought they knew us well were amazed at the truth when we split up, and I have never told them the worst of it even now!

I have rebuilt my life, got together with a lovely man who I've actually known for years, and we are very happy - we actually look forward to getting old together, which is something I could never have said about my ex! That is probably the best question you can ask yourself in a relationship - can I see myself old, retired and happy with this person???

The only thing I resent really now is the time I wasted in my first marriage meant I waited so long to try and have children (I'm 38 now) - only to discover that I have fertility problems and may never be able to.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

FE

lrr_2

All I can say is if you do do it yes it will be hard at first but it does get better. Yes you miss the 2 wages coming in for bills, mortgage, childcare etc but it is possible.

Since I split with my ex I was made redundant which didnt help money matters especially as a single parent with a young child. But im still in the same house, fulltime student, just scraping by moneywise but never been happier and content. Im now doing what I want to do and living on my terms. Still single and loving it!