stepson change of living arrangements after a divorce settlement

piptiddlepip

rainee wrote:

I know this sounds wrong but he is 15 years old
What do we do?

My father left school and went to work when he was 15 years old, as most boys his age did. He worked hard at his apprenticeship, but a lot of young lads now seem to think they can have it all without lifting a finger.

He is legally a child but he is on the verge of being a man and he needs to learn some respect. I agree that the best thing for him is to stand on his own two feet for once instead of expecting everyone else to clear his mess up after him. A shock might bring him to his senses.

ALI1973

Just caught your thread. Was there a clause put in the settlement? When my ex husbands mum and dad divorced, dad got everything as he was looking after the kids, but a clause was placed that he MUST provide a home until the youngest turned 16, otherwise he would have to pay out 1/2 the proceeds to mum. As it happened dad pushed youngest into the army at 16, and immediately sold up and established a new family (?). At the time I was only 18 and ex and I had just started living together, we ended up having to "house" his brother when he was dismissed from the Army only 3 months later - It was HELL.

So from experience I would say proceed with caution. Ultimately his Mum is his primary carer and it should be her who is looking after him and sorting any problems out (with consultation with your DF). Sounds like she got what she wanted?. Id try and contact the Family Division of your local court to see if they can offer any advise, or alternatively you could always push the ball firmly back into the Step sister/Mums court?.

I wish you the best of luck.
Love Ali

mummysaver

What a Christmas and start to the year you've had Rainee - to say the least!

Speak to Social Services again, at the very least they should be able to give you the names of some organisations that can provide some more information and advice on your situation, and the idea of checking the divorce settlement agreement is a good one.

Hope that you and your OH are managing to cope - is there ever a choice - and not letting this boy ruin your lives too much.

How you can make him realise that his behaviour is awful and extremely upsetting is something that I have no idea about, you seem to have tried everything. Is there any sport he likes, perhaps he could join a local team (I know, I'm clutching at straws!). Can he get a Saturday job, perhaps having to be polite somewhere may rub off on the rest of his life! Even a paper round would at least give him some cash of his own, and he wouldn't be able to laze in bed and it might make getting up for school a bit easier!

Ultimately he will need to improve or he will eventually be homeless. Has he tried some form of counselling - his school may be able to suggest something.

Best wishes to you all. xx

110frankie

Perhaps it is time you stopped answering his telephone calls.
He chose his step sister over you so now his problem is with her, not with you.
His mother got "custody" so his problem is with her, not you.

You are getting the aggravation because you are the soft ones.
It's the well-being of four (two of whom cannot look after themselves) as against the selfishness of 1.

hwoolgar

Hello,
I read your thread and feel for your situation. It seems that communication is not happening and hence what 15 year old is saying to you is not maybe what he is saying to his Mum and Sister.

I am a social worker and hence am disappointed by the response you received.

I wonder whether there is any possibilty of a family meeting (family group conference) with all the adults in the exended family meeting up and looking at what they can offer / sharing infomation to look at the best way to meet his needs. Some independent organisations set these up like Welcare with an independent chair person - this service should be accessable via social services.

I wish you and your OH luck, my experience is although his son is trying to be in control he is still a young person and the adults working together not being manipiulated (whatever their own diffs is the key). He is probably very scared and manipulation may be modelling of how he perceives some of the adults have behaved.

Sounds like you are very caring and thoughtful, and hope things get less stressful for your family.

H x

[Deleted User]

Rainee you and your OH have to separate head from heart. I feel as though something odd is going on with this young man and your primary concern has to be with your two vulnerable youngsters. Stay strong and push social services. They are certainly not doing enough. Make up your mind, say no and then be very firm.

Old_No.7

What is that saying again: Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...

Sorry, i don't mean to be mean, but why should social services take this kid into care? He sounds like a handful, yes, but I doubt that fostering or care will help the situation: it will just postpone the problem (for you) and maybe create an even bigger one (for society)... Fair enough that you feel it's not your problem or you've had enough, but it IS your OH and his ex-wife's responsibility. Not the step sister's, not social services, it's the parents that have to take responsibility. Care or fostering should only ever be a last resort, don't you think? By all means look for help, but please don't push this kid from pillar to post, no matter how annoying he is at the moment. Protecting your own kids doesn't have to be at the cost of another kid, I would hope. You might have to be more firm than you'd like to be, learning (the hard way) how to deal with a teenager, while also not being pushed into anything you don't want to do, but your OH has to take his part in the upbringing of this boy, divorce settlement or not: you can't buy off this sort of thing with however much money. Same goes for the mother, but if she doesn't take her responsibility, that doesn't mean your OH can also just walk away and let Social Services clear up the mess. Shame that you get dragged into it, but that can't always be helped.

That said: I do realise you are trying the best you can, but you feel that you've exhausted all the options. So maybe there is someone at social services or somewhere else that can help you both learn how to handle the boy and/or the situation, have a look on this webpage: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/html/Home/Needadvice/familycontactafterparentsseparate.htm