stepson change of living arrangements after a divorce settlement

rainee

new year still the same song
we picked him up from essex on monday as we had to go up north for a family funeral so took him back 'home'. He decided to skip school and go to the funeral. he must have realised he got the cold shoulder from his uncle and aunt.
last night oh had a horrid phone call from one of his son's friends dad accusing us of not providing for him....
the biggest question is should we provide him with a roof over his head when the settlement was in favour of his mum and all the major upheavels that means in terms of building works and possible upset for my 2 disabled children????
Any ideas as other half was vey upset last night

rchddap1

Sounds like he's trying to wind you up and pressure you into doing what he wants you to do. That is, "the longer I wind them up...the longer I stir things up the greater the chance that they'll just cave in and say yes. Afterall, I'm my Dad's son so he can't say no."

However, what he wants you both to do and what is right for him are probably two completely different things. You also have to consider your other children...particularly as they need a little bit more time, care and attention.

So he 'skipped' school. Did he talk to the school about the funeral...or did he just decide and didn't bother to tell them. If he had spoken to them I'm sure they would have said no problem. However, if its the second.....you have to consider what he's likely to get up to if he does come to live with you. With 2 disabled children in the house as well at some point you will have to trust him....can you do so?

Has anything changed in both your and your OH's opinions? Do you both think he can be trusted, will get along with the rest of the family in the house, and won't cause any major problems? If you have sat down with your OH and have discussed the pros and the cons...and have come down on the side of no....has any of those pros and cons changed?

My OH's mother's house is being repossessed. She has another 5 weeks to find another home. She is also now bankrupt. However she is supporting an 18 year old grandson who get up at 3pm in the afternoon. He will only go to work when forced....ie, when one of his uncles walks in and says 'you're coming with me'. He won't go and find a job...but prefers to laze around and do nothing. His own parents have thrown him out...but his grandmother took him in. The best thing that could happen to him is to be thrown out on the street. He's got things good and simply doesn't care. The prospect of sleeping on the street would do him good.

The reason I mention this is that the best way to help someone isn't always to give them a cuddle, a room, provide for them etc.... In your own hearts, deep down, I suspect that you both (your OH and you) already know what is best for your OH's son. The trick is to continue down the path that you think is best no matter what the child may throw at you.....this is one such occasion. Providing for your child also means that you help them to become a useful member of society when they grow up...it doesn't mean stuffing their faces with food, gifts, games, etc...

rainee

the thing about the funeral was he was due back at school on monday didn't go in yesterday and we've discovered he didn't go in today!!!
he is now being abusive with his dad stating we have to provide him with a home at all costs even though his mum stood up in court and stated otherwise.
boy i could strangle her at the moment.
i wouldn't have minded so much but my family got dragged into the divorce as well. i had to hand over the confidentual reports from social services on my two children which wasn't nice at all. Life isn't a bed of roses here too. i am begining to feel like we were the 2nd best option oh feels the same way after this afternoon's outburst.
my daughter has stated she doesn't want another brother.......
they know something is up. the older one is in a world of his own but his sister is all with it and made the comment this morning

wigginsmum

Any news from Social Services? Although it's really none of my business, my gut feeling is Don't have him to live with you. Yes you'll get called all sorts by various people, but I think you'd be heading for an absolute nightmare for the whole family if he lived with you. Don't forget the courts can now jail the parents of persistent truants.

Jules

rainee

managed to get hold of them and passed all the details on and they will get back to us so we'll see what happens next

rainee

at last social services have got back in touch
and what use they were
they state its a parental matter and nothing to do with them!! there were so many mistakes in the letter it was untrue plus the visit was done by a social worker in training!!
all we had over the weekend from the stepson was when were we going to pick him up! called me a liar etc etc
both familys have agreed that if we have him here and do not get the financial agreement re-arranged then we lose all of them something we are not prepared to do.
both my two children have stated they dont want him here (well it is their home after all!!)
So dear friends any ideas ??!!
other half and I hardly slept over the weekend worrying over it. Both the sister and mother have not phoned to tell us what is going on but at least we now have a mobile number for the mother who claims she has spent all the divorce money (£85,000) and has nothing to show for it got re-married and stated in court that she wasn't going to stated she needed the dosh to buy a place for her and the son to live in and didn't

i'm so fed up with it all

i've even asked the question 'give me one good reason why he should move in' when he didn't want it the 1st time didn't have a good word to say about my children or me but nothing came back except he had nowhere to go

rchddap1

rainee wrote:

both my two children have stated they dont want him here (well it is their home after all!!)

How would your children feel if both their mother and father said that they didn't want them to live with them? This has got to be a very scary prospect no matter how old they are.

rainee

rchddap1 wrote:

How would your children feel if both their mother and father said that they didn't want them to live with them? This has got to be a very scary prospect no matter how old they are.

I know this sounds wrong but he is 15 years old he made his bed he lies in it. My 2 disabled children must come 1st they will require long term care for the rest of their lives. Their own biological father walked out before the youngest was born and has no contact.
I frankly do not trust him with them.
It must be awful to think that no-one loves him but we do but have serious restrictions on space etc clearly his mother and sister have a bigger agenda and dont seem to care a damm either
What do we do?

bonnie_2

what about his grandparents, we had this problem with my teenager when i remarried and she has been living with her nan for years now i coulndt have her here she is too reckless and wont show any respect just wants money all the time and stays in bed all day, i have a disabled daughter as well so know how you feel. she will be 15 this year.

rainee

the mother's mother will have nothing to do with his mum and my hubby to be's mum will be 80 this year and is in not good health either she is very upset with him too on other issues but thanks for the idea. It sounds like your teenager is like hubby's son!!