stepson change of living arrangements after a divorce settlement

rainee

This might be a long one so please bear with me.
My fiance this year finally got his divorce from his ex wife.
the split was approx 75 to 25 pro her with the care of their son who is 14. We weren't desparate for the money and quite happy for her to stay where she was so that the son could stay at his school (which was quite good) and finish his exams.
Well she wanted to go and live with her boyfriend in hastings some 150 miles away so sold up. her son didn't want to move there nor in with us so decided to move back up north and stay with his step sister (mum's daughter from 1st marriage)This week there was a bomb shell that the step sister wants her step brother out by next week.
Of course he comes cap in hand to his dad could he come here and then commute back to his old school in essex and we are in kent approx 1 1/2 to 2 hours drive away.

As well as the logistics of a 2 1/2 bedroom house with 2 disabled children and the two of us finding room for a 5th person, wether the council would pay for a school place so far away rather than a local one, and the extra expense.

Frankly i am worried on how it would effect my two children and their problems. We cannot move as we have special education and resbite already in place and trying to get that from the borough they were born in was bad enough let alone trying to set it up with another one and they do not like any change at all.

Does anybody know if a divorce settlement can be changed after it is signed and sealed?
or do we just go down the route of trying to get money out of the mum via the csa (and all that hassle)
if he does move in then we need at least a loft conversion at £25k (building here is expensive being a london borough) :xmastree:


any ideas /help would be greatly appreciated

Just a nice bomb shell before christmas xxxxx

wigginsmum

Commiserations over this. It sounds as if the boy isn't tied to any school so there's no reason why he has to go to the Essex one and trying to do that by public transport each day is really not feasible anyway. As for him living with you, why can't he go live with his mother? It really sounds as if you've got enough on your plate and not enough space for him. I think you have to put your own kids first. What does your fiance want? Has he spoken to his ex about it?

Jules

rainee

Hi Jules
he is worried too. His feelings are that he is trying to help but agrees that my two need to come first and if his son does come he is coming on our terms not his. His son has called the kids something awful in the past plus me but I am prepared to put that aside . The only option is social services in Hull . I must admit I have a little smile as I know our social services would state no way !! My poor fiance cannot get hold of his ex as she didn't leave a forwarding address and changed her mobile number plus his son wont give it to us. !!!
I am seing my councillor today so there will be some interesting talking today!!
Still only 8 months till our big day .......

wigginsmum

Frankly I'd leave him to the tender mercies of the Hull social services; he's hardly helping himself with his behaviour, is he? Why is the stepsister kicking him out? Tell him to go to his mother's; he has her details, and it sounds like he thinks he'll have an easy life with you and your fiance. He sounds like a right little herbert, and you have to think of the disruption on your own kids. It's not fair on them, as much as anything else. Whatever you do, you'll be branded the wicked stepmother (I know that one only too well) so stand firm and not let it bother you.

Jules

rainee

an interesting hour conversation with my councillor this morning 'no rash decisions' was the outcome

rchddap1

Good advice. You need to make sure of the effects on your family before saying yes or no. Afterall you don't want a mad thing destroying life for everyone else....particularly your children considering their situation.

At the end of the day though....if there isn't the room in the house then its simply not going to be practical. Talk to your partner...in detail....and work out a plan of attack. Find out how you both feel.

Why is his sister throwing him out? Why go to a school so far away? How will he react to your other children and how will they react to him? If there's only 2.5 bedrooms...how will he feel about sharing a room....is there enough space in the house? There are lots of things you all need to think about.

If you truely believe that it isn't going to work then it is fairer on him to say so now and to refuse to let him move in. It will be harder on everyone if he moves in and all hell brakes loose.

mummytofour

Oh gosh what a sad situation for all. Sounds llike the ex has well and truely got herself a good deal.

I cant help but feel so sad for the boy, not that was what ur OP was about, but I would do anything I could to help, at 14 if he is not handled the right way, he could well got totally off the rails, sounds like a family in crises to me.

I totally agree that you should make no rash choices, I would also urge ur OH to find a way to contact the mother.

Vxx

rainee

Thanks Mummytofour i quite agree I think that is why my oh is so worried. the thing is he made the decision to move back up north to be with his step-sister in the first place as he didn't want to stay with us or his mum with her new boyfriend
it is very sad as I would feel like i'd let him down like everybody else has in his life
frankly his mother never wanted him at all talking to oh family

Marsh_Samphire

I work for a housing association that offers supported housing to young people with no home due to family breakdowns etc. We help them to learn the skills they need to maintain tenancies and move on to their own rented home with us when they get older. Social services often refer young people to us and your local social services may be able to help you find a place for him.

It would be much too overcrowded if he were to move in with you and you already have 2 children to care for, and you say he has already said awful things about your disabled children so this does not bode well either.

In your shoes, I would not let him move in but offer to help him with contacting social services.

mummytofour

Rainee, is there no other family nr you that could help out? or maybe a friend? I have in the past heard of many teenagers this age, move out of home but into other family situations, if he was nearer you you would at least be able to keep an eye on him.

I wish you and your family luck, this is no at all an easy situation.
I guess worst case, as Marsh has said, would be some kind of supported housing, but I would see if this could be nr you as at least that way the lad will have some kind of family support.



Best wishes
Vxx

innovate

The lad is fourteen - - a difficult age for a young man, even in a happy family. He must be totally confused - his parents split up, both have found new partners, his sister doesn't want him.....does anybody want him?

This is an 'ideal' scenario for messing up a young man's life for good. God, I feel so sorry for this lad, he must be in absolutely utter turmoil.

Rainee, I understand and support your position - for you, your kids should rightly come first, and your current housing arrangements don't make it any easier to give your fiance's son much support. For your fiance, the situation is very different, though. It is his son who is at totally loose ends. The boy is crying for help, he needs the support of his dad now. Hope you can give your fiance the support he needs to sort things out for his son.