HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

christmas_donkey

I was going to buy a bottle of vodka to celebrate the new year with, but have decided to donate the money to the red cross.

I found the link here.

http://www.redcross.org.uk/Campaign.asp?id=38543

jellyhead

it's a shame everyone's skint after xmas, especially with being paid early so having to stretch the money over 5 weeks or more, i'd have loved to have given more to the tsunami appeal. worth remembering though that it will be more than a month before everyone is settled so we can all donate next month too :-) and for valentines day instead of buying pressies :-)

as for not buying pressies for adult relatives, i don't either and i don't get them myself. nobody cares, let's be honest when you're an adult and especially when you have kids of your own you really don't notice or care whether people buy for you or not. we buy thoughtful gifts for birthdays that really suit the person but christmas doesn't matter for adults. in my hubby's family they still do buy for adults, perhaps because they have a small family and nobody has more than 2 children each. mother-in-law buys pressies to pass on to hubby's cousins etc. that i've never even met, she puts our name on them. these people weren't even at our wedding and although hubby knew them when young he wouldn't know them now if he met them. it's not that they live in a different town, we visit at least once a month and see lots of relatives each time, just not these particular ones. she knows we think it's silly to buy gifts for people we don't see but she assumes we can't afford it (we can't) so she buys them instead (she doesn't see these cousins from one year to the next either despite their living in her town). we already have around 50 people on the present list so anyone we don't see more than once every year doesn't need to be on it. although the christmas presents and yearly visits can help some people keep in touch with their yearly visit i think it's really strange that people are expected to buy gifts for people who they don't socialise with, who don't know when birthdays are, who wouldn't visit if you were in hospital or know if you graduated from uni, had children or got married etc. - it's just buying because it's christmas and it doesn't seem right ...

elona

bargain Bunny
I could not agree more.
Do you ever feel under false pretences or somehow morally blackmailed when presents are bought in your name?

nearlyrich

We stop buying for adults when they produce children, but we only started this a few years ago, apart from the cost it was getting difficult to find acceptable gift for adults without cluttering up houses etc.

The only exception is we all buy for my mum but that is quite tricky because she doesn't want much, just to see her children and grandchildren at Christmas.

I don't get many presents at Christmas but I really believe it is better to give than receive.

My late MIL always used to buy me expensive collectables like Coalport figurines or those little cottages, which I don't like and they don't fit the style of our house etc. I would rather have had a book or a book token.

If someone makes you feel you have to buy a gift for someone against your will it doesn't really acheive the status of a gift sent from the heart.

Cariad_3

Hi all,
I had my first Christmas in 21 years without my mother in law and it was wonderful.
To put it mildly she is dominating, opinionated etc etc -likes to run her fingers to check for dust, comments on my weight, could write a book but i won't as it is Christmas! ::)
This summer I decided enough was enough when she started on my children. I tried to be balanced in my comments to her but I received a torrent of vitriolic abuse. Suffice to say I don't see her any more(feel very brave!) although my husband & children do(providing she remains kind to them) They have had no problem with her since, infact she's very nice to them.
Friends and family have told me for years to do this but you keep on trying......well now i've stopped and it feels good.
Christmas was beautiful, Midnight mass with my son and friends, no rushing in the morning to get everything perfect, and no still looking at the watch at 11p.m wondering when inlaws would be going!
I think this terrible earthquake tragedy in Sri Lanka/Indonesia highlights that life is precious and so important and we should cherish our family ,friends and surround ourselves with people who care about us.
Like others I have contributed to Red Cross and will do so each payday as I believe we should not forget after a few weeks.
I'm going to help my children and their friends organise a car boot sale for CAFOD, the Catholic charity who are also helping the people in the area. We might do a car wash too. Its not much but every little helps.
It's true it puts things in perspective doesn't it?
Wishing everyone a very peaceful New Year. :-*

christmas_donkey

It's true it puts things in perspective doesn't it?
Wishing everyone a very peaceful New Year.

If anything it has made me realize how short life is. Not one of us know how much time we have left on this earth..... now i am not saying that to depress you all, but what is left of our life ought to be led to the full, not pandering to the miserable sods we are yoked with, just because we are expected to.

My mother rang a couple of days ago for a bit of a winge really. I asked her if she wanted to come for new years day. She didnt but asked why I couldnt go down to her. So I explained we have a visitor travelling to us new years eve and is staying a couple of days, I said it would be awkward what with the new years dinner and everything but I gave in and said I would pop down for an hour. She asked me to take my youngest, it was evident she didnt want to see my husband or the other kids. I ummed and ahhed for a quiet life muttering under my breath that she shouldnt be doing this to me but agreed just the same.

She rang me up last night, to tell me not to bother going down as shes off to my cousins for a few days.

SHES DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!!!!

Now when she winges I dont go down at least I can say, well I agreed to come down new years day but you cleared off again, like last year.

margaretclare

Hi all

First let me say, I totally agree with you all about the uselessness of present-buying/running around after ungrateful and miserable relatives who think they're due some consideration and money spent 'just because it's Christmas'.  And good for those of you who managed to stand up to the torrents of abuse and/or constant whingeing.  Please God, if I ever get like that, anyone near me has my full permission to put me out of my misery.

And also I agree 100% that this present tragedy sure does put all our little worries, and these miserable people's useless lives, into perspective.  How dare anyone complain that they haven't been bought a present when there are people like us, who haven't even got a drink of clean water.

I donated to the Red Cross at the weekend, and I've just set up a monthly direct debit to Christian Aid.  I've given to Christian Aid for years, but one week in the year is not enough!  And also any donations should be gift-aided so that the charity can claim your tax back, 28p for every pound given.  Doing it this way is more of a regular income for them, even 2 or 3 pounds a month to some of these charities is worthwhile, as like all of us they can budget if they know they have regular amounts coming in.

I am feeling a little bit emotional today.  My darling husband Barry is 70 today, we were out to lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant which was my treat to him.  Coming up is our third wedding anniversary in 2 weeks' time.  Today is also my eldest granddaughter's 24th birthday - she's the one who plays women's rugby.  And 2 days ago my youngest granddaughter was 17, she's the one in Sixth Form doing modern languages.  As I said to her Dad, wouldn't we all like to be 17 again, and know what we know now.  And this evening it is 2 years since my younger daughter died, suddenly and unexpectedly.

So if I had miserable relatives as some of you unfortunately have, I wouldn't be able to sympathise with them.  All I can do now is to try to live, as Caterina put it, as lightly on this fragile earth as is possible.  My daughter Liz was a passionate environmentalist, I try to carry on with some of the concerns that she had.  There's another charity called the 'Trees for Life' Fund that I support, also the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers.  

God bless all of you lovely young people, and a Happy New Year.

Best wishes to all

Aunty Margaret

mink35

I am feeling a little bit emotional today.  My darling husband Barry is 70 today, we were out to lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant which was my treat to him.  Coming up is our third wedding anniversary in 2 weeks' time.  Today is also my eldest granddaughter's 24th birthday - she's the one who plays women's rugby.  And 2 days ago my youngest granddaughter was 17, she's the one in Sixth Form doing modern languages.  As I said to her Dad, wouldn't we all like to be 17 again, and know what we know now.  And this evening it is 2 years since my younger daughter died, suddenly and unexpectedly.

What a lot you have going on at this time of year. Happy birthday to all birthday people, happy anniversary to you and hubby, and *hugs* for you (for your younger daughter).

Happy New Year. :-*

Caterina

Dear Margaret

there are no words to express the sorrow you must be feeling about your daughter's death. You are in my prayers.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Caterina

jellyhead

bargain Bunny
I could not agree more.
Do you ever feel under false pretences or somehow morally blackmailed when presents are bought in your name?

hi,

my mother-in-law is really nice so i don't feel blackmailed or anything. i think she just has a much smaller family than mine so she still likes to remember what to her still seem to be the children in the family even though they're nearing 30 and may even have children of their own. nobody in the family has more than 2 children whereas if i tried to buy for all the cousins, step-cousins etc. in my family i'd go bankrupt lol! i think she might be afraid of offending people too. she's middle class, i'm working class.

i do think it's daft to buy presents for people you hardly know - you don't know what they like and i suppose i've just always been poor but it seems like waste. you can't really give unwanted presents to charity shops without offending people. i know that i always end up with too much stuff i don't need after xmas and nobody really listens when i say that a book voucher would be the nicest present they could give me. i don't think many adults really want much, they have everything they need and as long as somebody buys some choccies then what more do you need? lol! i don't think many people really want more than a card. it's not nice to be completely forgotten i suppose but a card shows that people are thinking of you. one year when i was a single mum on income support i bought everyone a chocolate orange, nobody minded that i hadn't spent more money.

on the tsunami issue, my little boy wants to donate his xmas money, i'm so proud of him! he says he's already got enough and doesn't need to buy any more toys.