Workplace harassment - should I leave

Horace

I am not surprised that mrpharmacist has disappeared with all the comments he has received on here.

I often wonder if the very people making comments that caused a reaction from the OP and then had the nerve to say that it's his own fault that he is being bullied/harrassed are the perpertrators in their own workplaces?

Consider this, mrpharmacist is being harrassed at work due to his sexuality or perceived sexuality by his colleagues, should he have to endure it then the answer is no because his employer by law has a duty of care to all its employees including him. Those that harass because of perceived sexuality are afraid and to be honest with you, are often in the closet themselves.

mrpharmacist should keep a diary of all the events of bullying/harrassment that he has endured since he started working for the employer including details of how it made him feel. He needs to speak to a union rep and work with that rep to submit a grievance to HR. He should also speak to ACAS.

Before anyone tells me that I don't know what I am talking about I once worked with someone who told our colleagues one day that she was gay and that her partner was a woman - talk about how people change, one minute they were friends with her and then because she said that she was 'different' they turned on her - she endured some particularly insidious bullying to the point that our employer gave her early retirement on medical grounds because she became too ill to work. She ended up having only one friend at work - me because I accept her for who she is and I am comfortable in my own skin not to be afraid in case homosexuality is catching.

If you are reading this, then I wish you luck mrpharmacist. Don't let them or the opinionated people drive you away. Banter in the workplace is different to out and out bullying and harassment - being ostracised is also a form of bullying and your employer should stamp it out.

pinkshoes

Horace wrote: »

I
I often wonder if the very people making comments that caused a reaction from the OP and then had the nerve to say that it's his own fault that he is being bullied/harrassed are the perpertrators in their own workplaces?

As I've previously said, my group of friends at school were told off for bullying this boy. The only reason they did it and continued to do it was because he reacted (i.e. got worked up/angry/upset). Although I was there, I didn't join in, but nor did I do anything to stop them.

Given the OPs over-dramatic and rude response to someone's helpful post, we're just trying to point out to the OP that perhaps it would help and prevent the bullying if they didn't react in such a way. We're not saying it's his fault, we're just saying that by not reacting to the bullies, it could be a way to prevent it.

It's all very well running to the management and putting a complaint in, but this often ends in the person being miserable in their job and leaving. We're just trying to come up with a solution so that it won't happen to them again.

sarah1980

pinkshoes wrote: »

As I've previously said, my group of friends at school were told off for bullying this boy. The only reason they did it and continued to do it was because he reacted (i.e. got worked up/angry/upset). Although I was there, I didn't join in, but nor did I do anything to stop them.

My dad always says to me "Those who witness abuse are being abused".

Twopints

pinkshoes wrote: »

Given the OPs over-dramatic and rude response to someone's helpful post, we're just trying to point out to the OP that perhaps it would help and prevent the bullying if they didn't react in such a way. We're not saying it's his fault, we're just saying that by not reacting to the bullies, it could be a way to prevent it.

Helpful post? No, it virtually accused the OP of lying. A typical post from that user, but the OP was not to know that, and, in their circumstances, this would just appear to be further bullying/harrassment. Not really a surprise they reacted how they did.

pinkshoes

Twopints wrote: »

Helpful post? No, it virtually accused the OP of lying. A typical post from that user, but the OP was not to know that, and, in their circumstances, this would just appear to be further bullying/harrassment. Not really a surprise they reacted how they did.

Ok, so Conor's post might have been slightly on the insensitive side, but again, no need to take offense to it! Take away the slightly insensitive nature and what he says is very true.

This just goes to show that what one person is calling bullying and harrassment, many others just see as a view point and nothign worth getting upset over.

This further reinforces my viewpoint of not getting upset and reacting to things people say. The only opinions that are worthy of getting upset over are those of the people that love and care about you.

Conor_3

Twopints wrote: »

Helpful post? No, it virtually accused the OP of lying. A typical post from that user,

I'm sorry but I take offence at that post. I wasn't accusing them of lying at all. I'm completely 100% convinced they believe what they've posted.

And by "typical post from that user" what do you mean? Is it because I get straight to the point instead of mincing around an issue? Mincing around an issue is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard for solving the problem. (no doubt you'll now bang on about me using the word "mincing". I fully expect the "look at the homophobe" response from the Daily Wail brigade in here.)

OK, the reason I said what I said is this:
If you changed jobs, worked at a completely different firm where nobody knew anyone from your old firm, what is the possibility that it was caused by the people at the previous firm? None. Even the OP said "somebody somehow" so even they find it tenuous that someone from the old job has told someone in the new one although it's the only solution they can come to.
So if the location has changed, the company has changed, all the people have changed then logically, the common factor in all of this is the OP. My comment about taking a good look at yourself had everything to do with looking at it objectively rather than emotionally and seeing if it was basically the normal carry on that's at every workplace and that because of the previous experience, whether the OP was being oversensitive about the issue.

Here's a suggestion, Twopints. Get off the sodding soapbox you appear to be on, engage your brain and actually think a little about what has been written and the reasoning behind it rather than what you think has been said. And you can take all the offence you want with that last sentence. I have no time for you and the other members of the Daily Wail brigade.

Conor_3

Mark7799 wrote: »

What my issue is, is there any level where you think that the recipient of such remarks that they deemed bullying/harrassment etc etc should take a look at themselves instead?

I remember a saying to do with explaining phenomena which basically goes along the lines that when all other avenues have been exhausted then the conclusion, no matter how implausible, must be the answer. Everything has changed but the OP.

Well if you look at his original post, he's obviously had a bad time at the old job. Looking at it further, the words "someone somehow" jump out at me. It suggests that there is no rational reason the OP can think that they found out and that the possibility that someone from the old company told someone at the new one, no matter how remote, is the only explanation. Well I could buy that if, for example, a customer of the old company told a salesrep at the new one when they spotted them working there if the OP was in direct contact with the customers but I didn't think that was the type of work he was involved in.

So we have another option which I favour. Pillock A, B and C at the new company make glib comments about the newbie as people do. The OP reacts to a comment from Pillock B and they all latch onto it. And then it progresses. So rather than "insulting by design" from information they got from someone working in the old company, they drop on it acidentally. End result is they keep pressing the button because the OP reacts. OP gets same grief as they did at the old company because they're reacting to specific button pressing from the new co-workers. Continue ad-infinitum. It basically becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

SomeBozo

mr pharmacist seems to have disappeared !!!

I suspect mrpharmacist did not get the answers he wanted on this thread.

If he came on wanting sympathy without the advice, that would have been available to him in bundles here. The fact is that he didn't want just sympathy, he wanted advice as well.

Part of that advice is take a good look at ones self first. This advice was given well before the "abrupt & rude post" he posted back at this advice.

We are all here to help. We all give our posts here free and willingly. Just like the "real world" this is a cross section of society and hence we get a cross section of posts and opinions. Add in that the written meduim is the hardest to express yourself with, then a wide range a opinions will be here.

Bozo

mr_pharmacist

Thanks to anyone who tries to give sympathy and constructive help in this thread, excuse my irritated first reply as I am a 'newbie' and not really aware of the etiquette on here nor the known behaviour of other posters, I also had discussed it elsewhere on the net without my version being questioned.

Let me just specify first of all that I can say for definite that the gossip followed me from my old workplace as it has been talked about within earshot, when I say 'someone somehow' I am merely talking about wether said allegations were sent by e-mail or through someone who knows someone there but the abuse and innuendo has been the same, and relates to my family as well as the gay stuff. In fact in my previous job I had to take time off sick and was even receiving silent phone calls to my flat from one of the perpetrators because I had unwisely told in advance of my plans to take it to HR. That person is now in a good job because I didn't follow through with my harassment claim which I regret, the HR department there only deciding to give him a warning for abusive e-mails as a first step and not really encouraging me to go the full way.

To be honest the gossip started fairly early in my new job, around two years ago, and I was actually able to work without it affecting me too mush as in another team my colleague was ok. However people in other departments make snide comments to me, are unhelpful or make sucking noises when they pass me which obviously is upsetting. The problem in particular is one woman in my team makes frequent allusions to it in my presence, when the boss and colleagues are away of course, and this makes me in a low mood and more likely to be less friendly to others. This woman doesn't have to do half as much work as me to get targets as she has been there a while and inherited a big territory and so can sit and meddle while I am trying to work. In addition she bad mouths me to people in other departments who are now rude and unhelpful so doing my job is difficult coming up against these attitudes. Even just before I went off I was in a training programme and the trainer made a couple of gay gags at my expense, when I marked her down in the appraisal she then cam and shouted at me the next day! This led to me feeling more isolated and stressd out, and as others so this they moved in and made more hurtful comments.

I don't know who to tell HR about because as mentioned there have been so many at it. Obviously the woman I talk about is the worst for it but to leave out others doesn't seem right. I need to talk to my union rep but it's fairly embrassing and I'm sure he knows about it already. One person in my team has seen me get abuse a couple of times but I don't know if she would back me up as she is just new. Another colleague told her within earshot of me 'don't name names' after I had foolishly mentioned I was planning to go to HR. So they have probably got stories ready anyway as they have been forewarned.

As I say I have no friends or particular allies in the place so don't know who would back me up - it's perhaps possible someone might spill the beans to HR if they opened up the investigation to all employees.

Reading this you probably wonder why I even consider going back but I don't see why I should be forced out of a job I am good at which was their plan prior to me going off sick, particularly on the cusp of a recession.

Finally I should also add that if you consider this 'banter' I should just learn to ignore would you say the same if an Asian guy was working there and getting constant degrading jokes comments about his culture?

BridgetJones_2

mr_pharmacist wrote: »

To be honest the gossip started fairly early in my new job, around two years ago,

Two years?! Insane gossip is always flying through my office and it's soon forgotten or accepted a week later.

The rumours must be awful for them to linger...where do they even originate from? Call me sceptical but something doesn't quite wash.