Workplace harassment - should I leave

Mark7799

frugallass wrote: »

I'm not just lucky, I'm realistic ! I can't believe that you still think that being 'picked on' and being bullied or harassed are the same thing. Bullying and harassment is serious, just take a look at the various websites out there !

Just by ignoring a problem doesn't necessarily make it go away - get real !

But isn't that the whole point?

I engage in harmless banter
You are being picked on
They are bullying.

It's difficult to comment on this case without knowing what was said and also the OP's threshold. If (and this is purely speculative) they have a low threshold to this sort of behaviour it may be an issue that will dog them elsewhere. Maybe there's a more deep-rooted problem?

pinkshoes

frugallass wrote: »

I'm not just lucky, I'm realistic ! I can't believe that you still think that being 'picked on' and being bullied or harassed are the same thing. Bullying and harassment is serious, just take a look at the various websites out there !

Just by ignoring a problem doesn't necessarily make it go away - get real !

Actually I was bullied at secondary school for 5 years by one particular girl, but I chose to ignore her eventually, as I learnt that by getting angry only gave her what she wanted, and would make her continue. I refer to it as being "picked on" because I believe that by "ignoring" it (i.e. not letting it bother me), I prevented it from escalating.

I have also been "bullied" at work, but by ignoring it, it never escalated either. I have also seen other people being bullied in previous jobs, and the only reason the bullies continued is because they got a reaction.

Of course bullying/harrassment are not the same thing as being picked on, but a reaction to being picked on can easily lead onto bullying, so the two are clearly linked.

Ignoring bullies and not rising to their bait worked for me. It is also what children are taught at school. Bullies are usually lonely or jealous people, and they only continue to bully people who give them the reaction they want. I know this because my "group" at school was also told off for "bullying" a boy. Why did they do it? Because he got angry, upset, and reacted! Had he just ignored them, then they never would have bothered again.

Your comment about comparing it to women getting raped and saying they were asking for it is inappropriate and uncomparable (and a little sick actually).

sarah1980

Mark7799 wrote: »

But isn't that the whole point?

I engage in harmless banter
You are being picked on
They are bullying.

It's difficult to comment on this case without knowing what was said and also the OP's threshold. If (and this is purely speculative) they have a low threshold to this sort of behaviour it may be an issue that will dog them elsewhere. Maybe there's a more deep-rooted problem?

The fact is, if I find some behaviour highly offensive, whilst you find it acceptable, then fine to carry on said behaviour with you, but not with me. This is why I think the OP needs to make his feelings understood with management/HR first. If these bullies know what they're doing is wrong, but still persist, then the term "bullying" is quite appropriate.

Mark7799

"The fact is, if I find some behaviour highly offensive, whilst you find it acceptable, then fine to carry on said behaviour with you, but not with me. This is why I think the OP needs to make his feelings understood with management/HR first. If these bullies know what they're doing is wrong, but still persist, then the term "bullying" is quite appropriate."

To take an extreme analogy (which I accept is going off topic:o ), if I said I felt bullied by the tone of your comments, would you consider the issue was mine or yours?

sarah1980

pinkshoes wrote: »

Actually I was bullied at secondary school for 5 years by one particular girl, but I chose to ignore her eventually, as I learnt that by getting angry only gave her what she wanted, and would make her continue. I refer to it as being "picked on" because I believe that by "ignoring" it (i.e. not letting it bother me), I prevented it from escalating.

I have also been "bullied" at work, but by ignoring it, it never escalated either. I have also seen other people being bullied in previous jobs, and the only reason the bullies continued is because they got a reaction.

Of course bullying/harrassment are not the same thing as being picked on, but a reaction to being picked on can easily lead onto bullying, so the two are clearly linked.

Ignoring bullies and not rising to their bait worked for me. It is also what children are taught at school. Bullies are usually lonely or jealous people, and they only continue to bully people who give them the reaction they want. I know this because my "group" at school was also told off for "bullying" a boy. Why did they do it? Because he got angry, upset, and reacted! Had he just ignored them, then they never would have bothered again.

Your comment about comparing it to women getting raped and saying they were asking for it is inappropriate and uncomparable (and a little sick actually).

That was my comment about the rape, actually. And I stand by it - you have said that it is up to the victim to prevent this happening, "prevention is better than cure".

Question is, what do you do about the kids who end up hanging themselves because they are getting "picked on" at school? You are obviously thick-skinned enough to have been able to ignore it. Perhaps you had other friends who could give you the self-worth which the bullies were trying to chip away at.

I was humilated at school (really nasty stuff, not just verbal) and why? Because I am half Indian and have looked very different to the others. Now I am the kind of person who gave it straight back to those girls, made it very clear I wasn't to be messed with and interestingly, they were once "caught" by a teacher whilst giving me grief, and that was all it took to stop it for good.

sarah1980

Mark7799 wrote: »

"The fact is, if I find some behaviour highly offensive, whilst you find it acceptable, then fine to carry on said behaviour with you, but not with me. This is why I think the OP needs to make his feelings understood with management/HR first. If these bullies know what they're doing is wrong, but still persist, then the term "bullying" is quite appropriate."

To take an extreme analogy (which I accept is going off topic:o ), if I said I felt bullied by the tone of your comments, would you consider the issue was mine or yours?

Mine, 100% absolutely. And if you were to say this to me I would be the first to apologise. But I don't believe you are implying this, because in the OP's case, it sounds as if there are some very serious accusations being made (accusations about one's sexuality are usually not lighthearted when they are persistent).

Mark7799

sarah1980 wrote: »

Mine, 100% absolutely. And if you were to say this to me I would be the first to apologise. But I don't believe you are implying this, because in the OP's case, it sounds as if there are some very serious accusations being made (accusations about one's sexuality are usually not lighthearted when they are persistent).

I'm not implying this in the OP's case (I do not have enough information to comment accurately - anything said would only be speculation). What my issue is, is there any level where you think that the recipient of such remarks that they deemed bullying/harrassment etc etc should take a look at themselves instead?

sarah1980

Mark7799 wrote: »

I'm not implying this in the OP's case (I do not have enough information to comment accurately - anything said would only be speculation). What my issue is, is there any level where you think that the recipient of such remarks that they deemed bullying/harrassment etc etc should take a look at themselves instead?

Instead? Or in addition?

Mark7799

Fair point but either could apply.

McKneff

mr pharmacist seems to have disappeared !!!