The ultimate incentive to get debt free, can I do it by New Years?

Dinah93

Lol I read you were reading that, I looked it up simply because obviously I do that so might be interesting!

My parents are living for the day they're grandparents, his are dreading it. The first time I met his mum she gave this big speech on how she had no desire to return to the children phase and if he absolutely had to have them he better wait until at least 30. That's the big difference. My mum would definitely take the kid/kids a night a week minimum, heck she wants to go part-time at work if I'm still working so she can be their daytime carer or we can split it between us. We used to stay at her mums when we were little on Fridays and loved it, and it gave them a date night, I always wanted to be able to give my kids that, and I genuinely, 100% believe they would have a better life here than there, a more supportive network mainly. No maybe not as much money, but maybe more, there are a lot more oppertunities here in law simply due to the size of the country and number of firms! But so long as I have enough to meet the bills, I think anything else is just nice but doesn't make you happy. Yes, I really want to stay here, but as a unit I think England genuinely is the better option, he wouldnt have to give up his career to move, just do an extra year, and my family and friends love him to bits and have done everything to make him feel welcome, especially since they know how hard it would be for him moving to a strange place. I would go there for him, and sit in my little box that costs 4x as much as here, and see no one, feel completely isolated and never blend in as OH has readily admitted some people will dislike me simply because I'm English. It's a pretty country, and it's nice to visit. but boy can they hold a grudge. I wouldn't ever feel comfortable going anywhere without him in case something happens, someone kicks off at me for a history that I had no control over, he tells me its not safe in Limerick after dark on my own even in the town centre, what kind of place is that to choose to raise kids?

Lol my job, yeah it bores me but I am good at it, and it does pay very very well, and we certainly wouldnt have that second income there. But hey, I'm still waiting for his first compromise on anything, I'll believe he's willing to try england when he turns up with more than one suitcase!

Sorry I'm rambling guys, I'm just really upset whenever I think about this, trying to block it out, not that that helps. I've said if he comes here first to do the exams, if he genuinely hates it I will go there, but just the thought of actually having to do that (and I would, because I said I would and I won't make promises I can't keep, I will not cheapen myself like that) makes me feel sick and want to cry. It might be an irrational fear, but it seems based on solid foundations, and surely its no more irrational than loving a country more than a real, breathing person. I'm not even sure I can stay with someone who loves a country more than me, or anything except their own child more than me, if he does then this relationship isn't what I thought it was.

It's so stupid, I used to accept he loved Ireland, I even thought it was admirable that he was so proud of his country, and support that, now it's becoming like 'the other woman' and I can't stand the thought. Ireland is leeching away my happiness and it's a bleeding rock, it's not about to appreciate it. He gave me a claddagh ring a while ago and I can't stand to look at it, it's like it's mocking me, 'you'd be good enough if only you were Irish'. I used to love it because it was a part of him and his heritage always with me. I'm wearing it backwards so I can only see the band.

clearmydebts

Hiya,

Just read your post and had to reply (as an Irish woman living in England!). The reason I came to the UK was because there was no variety in the job I am doing so there was better opportunity here. I was never a home bird and flew the nest at 17. This was encouraged by my parents (who I am very close to), so I got used to living away from family at a young age.

Your OH may be getting jitters because the subject of moving is becoming more like a reality now. I think he will move over to England but try to encourage him to discuss his fears about the move. If you can give him an answer for all his worries then he can move over! You have also offered to move back with him if it doesn't work out, so there is a back door for him if he needs it.

I have never felt homesick, but I have been told that the feeling is dreadful, like a heavy, dull ache inside you all the time. If either of you move over to each country and are feeling like that, then you might have to accept that you aren't meant to be. There is no point in one person being totally miserable.

There are some people in Ireland who will take a dislike to you because you are English, but they are ignorant people and thankfully this is decreasing as Ireland gets an influx of different nationalities. If you moved there, you would blend in though, but only if you go with a positive attitude.

Don't try and make Ireland 'the enemy' or the 'other woman' though, as you will drive yourself around the bend. The pull of Ireland is very strong to all Irish people and most won't compromise on their love for their country. However, at the end of the day, it is an hour away on the plane and I can't see any reason why he wouldn't want to give it a try. There are 1000s of people going to Oz and South America on a gap year all the time. Why can't he view England as his gap year, and then when he settles in he could make it a permanent gap year (lol!!!).

As for Limerick City, yes it is quite a rough city and (without disrespecting anyone) it wouldn't be my cup of tea, but there are other lovely areas that aren't too far away. Clare is on the doorstep and is renowned for being one of the nicest, most peaceful places in Ireland!

Hope this helps!

Dinah93

Thanks CMD. I know I'm mad to turn Ireland into my competitor, but it's just the way he talks sometimes I want to shake him and say 'you tell me I mean more to you than anything in the world, so how come you put me through the wringer on a weekly basis deciding actually I'm second?!'

I feel homesick whenever I'm away for more than 3 or 4 days, and even when I'm away I text or call my mum every day, I just can't contemplate being away from them for weeks or months at a time. Not without taking up a serious drinking habit! I have suffered with depression a lot in the past, my mum is the only one who has ever been able to help me through it. I seek a crutch, something to control, when I was younger I used to push my boundaries with what my body could take, I would cut myself or drink insane ammounts, or my most common issue that I still revert to when I'm feeling out of control is eating, I become extremely restrictive in what I eat, diet obsessively, often combining with the destructive behaviour for example going for a 2 hour run at 3am alone. I'm scared I won't be able to function normally if I'm that stressed or unhappy. Yes, I know I should probably see someone about this kind of thing, but it is largely under control at the moment until he has a go at me and says he doesnt know if he can come, I get stressed and stop eating and so on. He still lives at home but his family aren't overly close, very independant, his dad works away a lot, or works very long hours when he is there, he gets on well with his brother but they have quite different priorities and I don't think I would describe them as close although I know they would be there for one another anytime it was needed, and he meets his mum for a lunch or goes out there for dinner once a week or so.

I've said we will always make sure he can go back once a month, but the comments he comes out with about England, well he'd never put up with me saying them about Ireland that's for sure! I understand that thats his home, but he went to work in Amsterdam for a bit and enjoyed that, and talked about coming to England even before we were together so maybe Ireland is a smoke screen and it's just me.

clearmydebts

No, it isn't you, he is most likely getting the jitters. When is he meant to be coming over to train? Maybe he should come over and get a job before he trains and just 'do it', rather than talking about it all the time.

People talk about Ireland passionately but he would be a fool to sacrifice love for a country, no country is worth that!

Dinah93

He was looking at starting a masters in feb, but still living over there and just coming here for the handful of lectures, then moving here properly in september to do the GDL. Now he doesn't seem to want to do the masters in feb, wants to add an extra year on making it 3 1/2 years until he's qualified... part of it is he says he wouldn't do the masters in Ireland (so why do it here?) and he'd be qualified there in 2 1/2 yeras not 3... but I can't do long distance for all that time, this is not a way to live! We're both so happy when we're together, and miserable when apart, I would rather it took a year longer here but it was a year together. He seems completely cold to the emotional side of things, doesn't seem to get that I can't wait and see if he does want to move here for nearly 3 years! I just know how much happier I am when we're together and nothing can cancel out that emotional aspect for me. Men are too bloody cold and logical, don't they have hearts?! Also if he studies there his dad will pay, apparently he won't if he comes here (but his dad keeps saying about how he needs to be doing something, surely having an English qualification will open an equal number if not more doors than an Irish one?) so he would have to use his savings and possibly get a small loan. I find it really odd his dad won't pay if he comes here and won't give a reason, and I can't help feeling in fact it's BF saying that he won't so he doesn't have the responsibility for why he isn't coming.

Tete_en_l'Air

Yikes, I nip out for dinner and when I get back you're having a crisis! I think you're probably just feeling a bit insecure becuase you haven't seen him for a while, like you say things are fine when you're together. Could you go over to Ireland while he qualifies, then you both move over here to get married and have kids? That way you've shown willing, and it'll be his 'turn'...?

clearmydebts

I can relate to the Dad not paying thing, it sounds like his Dad doesn't want him to move at all. Luckily my parents aren't like that but my OH's are. When we got married, they said 'here is some money, you will get a right amount when you move to your proper house', i.e. when you move to Ireland, (we had a flat in Scotland!!!) It is a very backward Irish country thing to do.

Think Tete's idea is good, why not compromise and move over there now, while he graduates and then move over to the UK. It will be a good life experience and maybe he could go to college in Cork or Galway, both close to Limerick (so his Dad will pay) but more fun and defo more picturesque!

Cinny91

Dinah93 wrote: »

I feel homesick whenever I'm away for more than 3 or 4 days, and even when I'm away I text or call my mum every day, I just can't contemplate being away from them for weeks or months at a time. Not without taking up a serious drinking habit! I have suffered with depression a lot in the past, my mum is the only one who has ever been able to help me through it.

I know how you feel! When I was having problems my mum was the only one who could talk to me. It's a great thing how mothers can sooth any problem. My parents too used to drop me and my brother + sister off at my grandparents every now and then so they could have date nights. I loved spending that time with them, got some great memories from those nights!

I sure as hell would not want to leave my family, job and roots to live in a place where I wasn't too sure if people liked me just because I'm english. That wouldn't make for a happy life, or a place to bring up your kids. Now I've heard the rest of the story, stand your ground missy! You've done alot for him and if he can't do this one thing for you, over a 'rock', I'll give him what for okay, maybe not but you get what I mean!!

Cinny91

oh dear, just noticed i've called you missy again!!

clearmydebts

But if you feel homesick after 3-4 days, why have you made him a promise (one that you say you will defo keep) to move over to Ireland. There is no point in making a promise like that if it is going to make you depressed and ill. You will have to tell him that you can't keep the promise, and that you certainly can't move to Ireland.

You only have one shot at life, there is no point in moving somewhere that makes you ill.