Family and presents.

c_l_a_i_r_e

1tisme wrote: »

That's the problem, I do feel bad. I'm trying to work out if it's because it's just guilt or if it's a subconcious thing that's telling me I'm wrong.

God, all this over a birthday present.

I think you feel bad because you are disappointed that your family are not as close as you would have hoped, and this issue over the presents has just stirred up all these feelings again. I agree with the earlier post that if you can afford to keep sending a small present to the younger children then maybe you should. There is no point in not sending something if you are going to eat yourself up with guilt over it. Be happy with the fact that there is still at least some form of communication between you and your siblings family. It may fall far short of what you would hope for but unfortunately many people don't even have that.

morganb

Don't bother about sending a present.
Send a card and maintain a relationship with the children in that way.
I have similar issues; I've been sending presents to nieces and nephews it the family who we never see because they live so far away; and their parents send gifts to mine. Not any more! I am going to suggest a present amnesty this year and just say it's because we don't see each other!
And I know there is a sense of 'duty' but my children spend much more time with their godparents and our friends, and they don't miss out by not seeing extended family.
Hope that helps.

jellymid

We receive a number of presents every year for us and our children from a number of people we knew a long time ago but haven't seen for years. I always feel grateful for but unsettled by these, as I feel there is really no need anymore. Some have lovely, newsy letters which are much more appreciated and make us feel more connected with our old friends. I have tried to politely say "Please don't feel obliged to continue with this... we just love hearing your news" but to no avail. I'm now assuming that they take pleasure from giving, but am still a bit concerned that it is a tradition that they don't know how to stop.


If I were you I would just write a note in the children's cards instead, just with a bit of family news...what school year their cousins are in etc, just keeping them aware of potential relationships in the future.d

Good luck with whatever you decide

geekgirl

Do you know what, you have spent much more time, energy, money and emotions on your family than they deserve.

Save it all for people, whether family or not, that care for you equally.

Maxjessdru

I am also in a similar situation - I haven't spoken to my S for over 7 years (no specific falling out just nothing to say to each other!) and she lives over 200 miles away so no contact. She has 5 children and I have never met the youngest 2. I gave up sending cards/presents to her or my BIL as she has never sent me so much as a card but I do sent cards and money for the children for Xmas and birthdays. Again, I feel its not their fault I don't like their parents!

ekkygirl

This all sounds so familiar, I thought it was just me and mine lol

*Louise*

Blimey - I could have written that first post myself about a couple on OH's side of the family.

They don't bother with us, haven't visited for 8 years, and they don't even pause outside to drop off a gift for our kids - they usually leave it at the grandparents house or give the gift early when we visited for their child's birthday.

It was all so one sided I said we're not doing it any more. I don't want to be the one to stop sending things though, so I started sending money instead. It's not as if I know what they are into any more if I wanted to send a gift anyway.

webbie

I too have a very similar situation - but with grandparents and aunty/uncle/cousins. All our relatives live within 5 miles - we only "politely" get together at the odd birthday - otherwise I experience the drive-by pressie drop too.

I have tried over the years to develop a two-way relationship - only to be told by grandparents "they are our grandkids and you are expected to bring them to us to visit". I tried over the years - but very difficult when I have a busy family life/studying/working/activities etc and they are sat retired.

The relationship is now we see each other about every 4 months and it is very strained - as no-one really "knows" each other. I don't stress anymore - and am going to suggest cards only from now on. How can I buy presents for several people when I don't know what they like?

beautifulgorgeous_2

Go on the world vision site and donate on there and order a personalised card to send to the relatives, starts at a fiver and you can gift aid your donation and the people in the developing world will get want they NEED.

basketcase

1tisme wrote: »

Debt Free Chick - About post 17, I dont think there is a reason to find for all this. They have had opportunity in the past to discuss things when I talked to them and they only say there is no problem, it's just the way it is. I agree that they are just doing life, as you put it, to suit them.

I think we have different views on what family means. I think my sibling thinks family is just a word and I think its a way of life. I think family means you have people in your life you make the effort for and who make the effort for you, otherwise they become just ordinary people you know and end up treating like passing aquaintances. . I think my sibling doesn't think the same way. As I said earlier, I have moved on, it honestly doesn't bother me now.

Ciould be worse - your sibling could talk like you and still act like (s)he does. Ask me how I know... :rotfl: